It seems that everyone has a different opinion of who is the best late-night TV host these days, but at least most people would agree that anyone currently in the business does not hold a candle to Johnny Carson. The iconic comedian — who passed away at the age of 79 in 2005 — hosted The Tonight Show for an unprecedented and unmatched 30 years, becoming the long-running program’s definitive emcee and one of television’s all-time greatest icons in the process. Relive some of his most memorable moments by sifting through this collection of hilarious and even insightful Johnny Carson quotes.
“Sis Boom Bah... Describe The Sound Made When A Sheep Explodes"
One of Johnny Carson’s most popular Tonight Show segments saw him portray Carnac the Magnificent, who had the ability to provide the answer to a question before reading it from a notecard in a “hermetically sealed” envelope. He normally managed to maintain the psychic character’s stoic aura, except after reading this explosive pun that had both him and his sidekick Ed McMahon rolling in their seats.
"That's Mister Rogers To You And Stay... Out Of My Neighborhood"
In a segment from a 1989 Tonight Show episode, Carson reads phrases that would likely NEVER come up in casual conversation. One of the funniest examples imagines Fred Rogers from Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood dropping his famous warm demeanor for a more unwelcoming attitude.
"Think It's Easy, Huh?"
After guest Robert Blake suggests that the audience would “know what a loon” Johnny Carson is if he was the one asking the questions, the host accepts his challenge to switch places. When they come back from a commercial, Carson, while in the guest chair, acts like a complete fool — sticking objects in his ears and mouth, providing dismissive answers, and nearly disrobing — and asks the Baretta star if thinks he can still handle the job.
"Today, The Surgeon General Introduced The First 'Safe Santa'... He Has A Velcro Lap So Your Kid Can't Fall Over And Hurt Himself"
Some of the wittiest highlights from Carson’s Tonight Show just happened to occur during the holiday season, such as when he posited the idea of keeping children protected from potential harm when visiting Santa by using velcro. We can think of a few reasons why this does not feel like a fool-proof idea in retrospect, but that also makes the joke funnier.
"I Do Chores Around The House Just Like Anybody Else..."
In one monologue bit, Carson attempts to downplay his status as a public figure by presenting his seemingly average daily routine, but with a twist. The rest of the quote reads, “This morning, for example, I got up, took out the garbage... walked the dog, and peeled six tourists off my electric fence."
“This Monologue Is Starting To Spoil!”
Carson rarely shied away from the chance to poke fun at his own monologues, such as during a Tonight Show episode that originally aired on Valentine’s Day in 1979. When he is interrupted by a fly buzzing around the studio, he jokes that that the monologue must be bad enough to have attracted the attention of the insect.
"Going In Style... What Is It Called When You're On A Gucci Toilet?"
Many of the best moments from The Tonight Show’s Carnac the Magnificent segments saw Carson deconstructing common phrases or idioms or poking fun at a public figure or established brand. This is a classic example of him hitting both birds with one stone.
“The Post Office Asked Me To Tell You, To Save Time… Break Your Own Packages Before Mailing”
The mail can never come fast enough, especially around the holidays, but by prioritizing time management over quality management, flaws during the transport are bound. By suggesting the customer preeminently destroys what they are mailing, Carson delivers comedic gold.
“Last Night, It Was So Cold, The Flashers In New York Were Only Describing Themselves”
The image of a man in a trench coat walking up to unsuspecting New Yorkers and, instead of opening the wings of his coat to rudely expose himself, giving them a verbal play-by-play of what is underneath in order to keep warm is simply priceless.
“Nicaragua… What Can Happen If You Shave Your Ragua Too Fast?”
Sometimes, playing Carnac the Magnificent gave Carson the chance to introduce a new double-entendre into our vocabulary, such as with this example. This was actually one of two different times the word “Nicaragua” was used in an edition of the segment, with the other being the answer to the similar question, “What should you be careful not to do when you shave around your aguas?”
“I Think Claude Cooper Copped My Copper Clappers Kept In A Closet”
Jack Webb, the star and creator of the original hit crime drama, Dragnet, appeared on The Tonight Show as Sgt. Joe Friday in a bit that would prove to be quite the clever classic in Carson’s collection. The routine ends with this even more hilariously complicated case of alliteration: “If I ever catch kleptomaniac Claude Cooper from Cleveland who copped my clean copper clappers kept in a closet… I’ll clobber him.”
“If You Wake Up And You’re Not In The Obituaries, That’s A Wonderful Start”
Johnny Carson was typically hesitant to participate in interviews, but in 1984, he sat with Barbara Walters at his California home to discuss his personal life as part of one of her ABC interview specials. This was the comedian’s answer when the legendary journalist asked him to describe his idea of “the perfect day.”
"Baja... How Do Sheep Laugh?"
For anyone who does not know, the word “baja” means “low” in Spanish, or refers to the Baja California peninsula, which separates the Gulf of California from the Pacific Ocean. However, we cannot deny that it does call to mind the image of a gigglish sheep and, based on this Carnac bit, Carson and the Tonight Show writers seemed to agree.
“We Couldn’t Afford Mistletoe. I Had To Kiss My Girl Under The Poison Ivy”
This one-liner from one of Carson’s great Christmas season monologues is perfect on its own, but gets even when he goes the extra mile during the final clincher. He goes on to say, “At least that’s how I explained the rash to my mother.”
“Did You Know Richard Nixon Is The Only President Whose Formal Portrait Was Painted By A Police Sketch Artist?”
Johnny Carson openly preferred to avoid having serious discussions regarding politics on The Tonight Show, but was not one to back down from giving the people in charge a hard time with his satirical stylings. This jab at President Richard Nixon in response to his involvement with the Watergate scandal is one of the host’s most blisteringly hilarious examples.
“10-4… How Do A Big Guy And A Little Guy Split 14 Bucks?"
Of course, “10-4” was originally introduced as a shorthand term in radio communication used to express that something is “OK” or “understood,” but it is redefined in an amusingly funny fashion in this Carnac bit. However, we cannot help but feel that the big guy and the little guy should each be able to keep $7, if we are really being fair.
“If I’m In Front Of An Audience, I Can Feel Comfortable… I’m In Control”
After previously denying a request to be interviewed by 60 Minutes, in 1979, Johnny Carson finally agreed to sit down with Mike Wallace for an interview that showed a side of the entertainer no one had ever seen before. For instance, in this quote, he explains why he finds performing in front of large groups of strangers to be much easier than the anxieties that comes with personal interaction.
“Three Dog Night… What’s A Bad Night For A Tree?”
At the time of this Carnac bit, Three Dog Night was a popular rock group whose name originated from an old Aboriginal Australian hunting method to keep warm during freezing nights in the Outback by sleeping in a hole with three dingos. However, you have to wonder if the group behind “Joy to the World” and “Mama Told Me (Not to Come)” started to reconsider it when Carson introduced his interpretation.
“You Got No Job? We Don't Care. Bad Credit Rating? We Don't Care. Got A Prison Record? We Don't Care. Don’t Expect To Pay Us? That's When We Care”
Carson demonstrated he could deliver comedy a mile and a half a minute as Art Fern — host of the program Tea Time Movie, in which he presents a film that barely counts as a “short” in between pitches for uproariously unnecessary or ill-conceived products. Near the end of his baton-cracking presentations, he would assure his potential customers that it never mattered to him who you were or where you came from, as long as you had the money.
“Spam… What’s The Sound Of A Pig Hitting The Bottom Of An Elevator Shaft?”
The word “spam” already does sound a bit like an onomatopoeia, so applying it to the very animal that the canned meat product is derived from makes this Carnac bit a good one.
"Mr. DeVito, I'm Down Here"
For his "Phrases You Will Never Hear" segment from January 1989, Carson drops the name of a well-known and highly acclaimed celebrity who had been his guest a couple of times by then. We imagine the great Danny DeVito himself probably would have had a good sense of humor about this joke referring to his modest stature, but the Tonight Show seemed somewhat divided on it, based on their reaction.
“If You Are A Comedian… If You Start To Take Yourself Too Seriously, Your Sense Of Humor Suffers Somewhere”
Carson’s aversion to discussing politics on The Tonight Show was brought up in his 1984 interview with Barbara Walters, to which he explained that believes he should never take himself too seriously if he wishes to continue his career as a successful comedian. As far as we are concerned, any up-and-comers in the business of humor could certainly benefit from taking this philosophy into consideration.
“Gatorade... What Does An Alligator Get On Welfare?"
According to The History Channel, Gatorade was invented at the University of Florida, whose sports team is the Gators — hence the name. So, incorporating the actual reptile in a Carnac bit poking fun at the popular sports drink is actually somewhat accurate.
“Is Your Mind So Cluttered With Trash That You Have To Call The Department Of Sanitation Just To Collect Your Thoughts?”
Before introducing the first ridiculous product he has chosen to showcase on Tea Time Movie, Art Fern would set things up by asking the audience a series of equally ridiculous, but still somewhat relatable, questions. This rhetorical hypothetical regarding mental health was his segue into discussing his course in Transcendental Meditation at Guru U.
“Did You Ever Get A Fruitcake For Christmas?…”
After asking this question to Ed McMahon, Carson goes into the phenomena of how rarely people actually eat fruitcakes, but instead, keep the dessert item in their closets and regift them to another person the following holiday season. The discussion is then followed by a short film depicting increasingly destructive attempts to cut into a fruitcake by way of pickaxes, a bulldozer, and dynamite.
“A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, Eck… Describe The Sound Made By Someone Choking To Death On Alphabet Soup”
Carson applied more theatrical sensibilities than ever before to this edition of Carnac the Magnificent, in which he actually demonstrates what the notecard describes.
“I Think If You’re Happy In Your Work And You’re Relatively Happy With Yourself, You Don’t Go Out Looking For It”
The Johnny Carson segment of Barbara Walters’ 1984 interview on ABC was full of deeply insightful and inspirational moments, such as this one, in which he discusses his own personal happiness and belief that the people who seek happiness are not those who have already found it in the professional and personal lives.
“Last Night, Geraldo Rivera Broke Into The Head Of A Valley Girl And Found Nothing”
In 1986, Geraldo Rivera hosted a live TV special in which he opened a recently discovered vault supposedly belonging to famed gangster Al Capone, only to discover it was empty. The infamous moment is referenced in one of Carson’s many jabs at the TV reporter by way of also poking fun at the stereotypical intelligence of a young California woman.
“Panhandler Came Up To Me And Says, ‘Can I Borrow $100? I Want To Get A Raincoat’… I’m A Flasher. It Just Doesn’t Work With A Sweater”
People exposing themselves in public is a topic that seemed to come up in more than a few of Carson’s Tonight Show monologues, but it certainly amounted to a few gems. This one is particularly funny since the mere idea of a panhandler asking for a certain amount and offering a specific reason for it is quite amusing on its own even before the final punchline is revealed.
"I Stenciled A Window With 'Noel Noel.' And I Had The Stencil Backwards, And It Came Out 'Leon Leon’”
As many of the funniest Christmas movies have shown, it is so easy for things to go wrong during a holiday celebration. In this monologue bit, Carson gives an example of something that we could have totally seen Chevy Chase’s Clark Griswold do in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.
"I Was So Stunned, I Didn't Think- Was That A Man Or A Woman?"
During a 1974 episode of The Tonight Show, Carson’s monologue was interrupted by the sudden appearance of a streaker running through the studio. We do not think the host could have come up with a more uproarious way of describing his bewilderment in that infamous moment.
“I Didn’t Even Know You Were Jewish”
In, arguably, the funniest moment in all of Johnny Carson’s time hosting The Tonight Show, his guest, Ed Ames, demonstrates how to throw a tomahawk at a human-shaped target on a wooden wall. When the tomahawk lands almost directly between the faux cowboy’s legs, Carson comes up with a perfect, witty comment that would become the stuff of legend.
We wish we could provide you with even more iconic moments and quotes from Carson’s days hosting The Tonight Show. Unfortunately, very little of his first ten years in the gig exists, as most of the footage was erased. On the bright side, it gives us yet another reason to cherish these savored memories of the laughter he provided us.
