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The awards are meaningless but the presentation is always a blast, even more so now that it’s live. Since us live and we love us some Moon Man presenting, I’ll be locked in right here updating this page live with the results tonight, along with various rumblings about what’s happening from my point of view on my couch in a ratty old pair of sweatpants.
But, if you’re not interested in my blather (or if you want to start reading my live blog from the beginning) you can skip over that right to our live updated list of the winners by clicking here for an auto-scroll to the bottom. Winners will be red and in bold. For video highlights from tonight's broadcast, go here.
In the meantime, here we go. Here’s what’s happening with 2009 MTV Movie Awards right now!
9:59 That’s it! Thanks for following along everyone. I hope you like fangless vampires.
9:57 Time running out! Denzel Washington, who’s no stranger to the ticking clock, is on stage to plug his daughter’s acting career and present the award for Best Movie. And the winner is… Twilight. That’s right, over The Dark Knight. Over Slumdog Millionaire. Congratulations Twilight fans, your obsessive voting has won your film an utterly meaningless award.
9:52 Heath Ledger wins Best Villain, but it’s thrown out as an aside as they go to commercial. Apparently they only care about awards given to people who are still alive and thus have something to plug. Wouldn’t want to cut into one of Eminem’s commercials to hand out a movie award or anything.
9:50 Jim Carrey on stage to accept his award, dressed in a flasher’s trench coat. He forgets his speech, and we hear his inner monologue as he panics. “There wouldn’t be a swine flu if we treated the pigs better.”
9:47 Danny McBride and Will Ferrell on stage petting white, Persian cats, in an attempt to change their image from “the funny guys” to the “evil guys”. These cats are totally dead. Punt. And the award for Best Comedic Performance goes to… Jim Carrey, Yes Man. You know what? Yes Man isn’t bad. The House Bunny, now that’s bad.
9:46 Golfing with Kings of Leon. Andy Samberg changes his outfit.
9:38 Channing Tatum and Sienna Miller on stage to introduce a performance/advertisement from Kings of Leon. Does this mean a pantsless Ali G is going to drop out of the air and get his balls stuck in their drum kit?
9:35 Cameron Diaz is now an adult film star. Hey they’re presenting an award! The audience doesn’t seem to notice. And the award for Best Female Performance goes to… Kristen Stewart for Twilight, who kisses Stephanie Meyers’ ass and then sucks up to the fans before dropping her award and squawking like chicken.
9:34 Very strange bit in which red noses and rubber chickens are inserted into a clip from Star Trek. That might be funny if I was 12.
9:29 Pre-recorded comedy bit in which Andy Samberg plays Doubt: The Videogame. It goes nowhere.
9:19 MTV Generation award handed out to Ben Stiller, for being funny in some movies. Cue the montage, followed by Kiefer Sutherland, Zac Efron, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog to parody the Oscars awful three-actor award structure which quickly devolves into a Ben Stiller roast. Genius! First genuinely funny bit of the night. On an unrelated note: I love that Will Ferrell is in the front row wearing a jumpsuit.
9:16 Andy Samberg welcomes us back to the big commercial. Stars of The Twilight Saga on stage to introduce the first ever trailer for New Moon, for real this time. Kristen Stewart looks like she’s been having sex backstage, either that or she’s doing heroin. Trailer time!
9:13 Andy Samberg introduces the Twilight: New Moon clip by talking about pants! Gotcha! Still not the clip. Instead it’s an Orbitz commercial which parodies The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. I love this new marketing technique. How do you get people to watch commercials? Lie to them. On a related note, you’ll be able to download all of Twilight: New Moon tomorrow right here on Cinema Blend. Note: when downloaded Twilight: New Moon may seem a lot like a commercial for E-Harmony.
9:09 Cue the Twilight: New Moon clip! Audience shits its pants but, instead we get Andy Samberg in a Teen Wolf costume. Hilarious. Real Twilight clip still to come.
9:06 Lil’ Wayne with a blonde actress whose name I will not attempt to spell, to present the award for Best Song…and to let Lil’ Wayne self-promote. And the winner is… oh come on it’s going to be Twilight right? Why are we going through this farce? No wait, it’s worse. Miley Cyrus for Hannah Montana wins! Twilight’s perfect record crumbles. I guess even Twilight fans think Paramore sucks. Miley Cyrus waves howdy to god. It’s funny because they’re buddies like that.
9:03 Hayden Pantierre and some guy in a hat (sorry I’m over 30) to present the WTF Award. Hayden Pantierre with the rap. She’s no Amy Poehler. Holy flannel shirt! The winner is Amy Poehler. Cue the pre-recorded acceptance speech! She almost shit her pants! You could make a fortune selling fresh pants outside the MTV Movie Awards. Jason Segel’s penis was robbed.
9:00 Leanne Rimes on stage to sing a slow version of “Jizz in my Pants”. Missed opportunity. They should have brought out Robert Pattinson. Chris Isaac appears to sing a less popular Andy Samberg digital short, before they launch into Lazy Sunday. Seriously, wtf does this have to do with anything? At least maybe you could have made a case for Eminem, this is MTV after all, but this… Nevermind. It was all worth it to watch Forest Whitaker sing “Dick in a Box” as a opera. I’m on board, except with the bleeping. Andy Samberg weeps with his Lazy Sunday buddies.
8:58 Another skit from the audience, this time involving Jim Carrey who admits he’s wearing “digital shorts” and talks Andy Samberg into performing one of his songs… even though it has nothing to do with movies.
8:55 Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds on stage to promote The Proposal and present the award for Best Kiss. So apparently I’m not the only one who thinks Sandra Bullock looks increasingly like a dude. Ryan Reynolds says what we’re all thinking. And the winner is… Twilight. What, you thought Milk had a chance? Elitist. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart on stage to re-enact their kiss. Watch out for his pants Kristen. Kirsten Stewart: The only woman in the world who doesn’t want to kiss Robert Pattinson
8:54 Another skit in the audience, in which an actor pretends to have won the award for “Most Desirable Sound Editor” and air-humps the Golden Popcorn. This was funnier when Adam Sandler did it more than a decade ago in Happy Gilmore. It’s more vile than funny.
8:47 Harry Potter clip with a pre-recorded intro from the three Potter kids. A shockingly large portion of this live broadcast is needlessly pre-recorded.
8:43 Bruno flies towards the stage on wires, clad in angel wings. Unfortunately, halfway there his cock gets caught in the wires. MTV bleeps everything he says as he crashes on Eminem. Eminem is pissed and stalks off. He’s a pretty good actor. Weirdly, it’s ok to see Bruno’s naked ass but it was not ok to see Kate Winslet’s naked ass in a clip from The Reader. Seriously, I think I saw down Bruno’s asshole. This was, apparently, the presentation for something… which was won by Zac Efron. Ah yes, it’s Best Male Performance.
8:42 Seriously, I am not comfortable with Popcorn Man horning in on Mr. Peanut’s action.
8:36 Vanessa Hudgens on stage (fully clothed) with Jonah Hill (also fully clothed) to make pubic hair jokes and give the award for Breakthrough Performance Male. Unfortunately, they forgot to tell the audience what the award was. Luckily, the audience isn’t paying attention anyway. And the winner is… Robert Pattinson. Did Robert Pattinson just say he came in his pants? Twilight will win every award it’s nominated for tonight, and Robert will have to change those pants. I guarantee it.
8:33 Andy Samberg in a recorded bit doing a Bruce Springsteen song while he sings about explosions in movies. Samberg throws it to Will Ferrell doing a Neil Diamond impression. JJ Abrams with a keyboard solo! So… why is this recorded? This would be so much cooler if they’d done it live.
8:29 Eminem’s performance ends and a voice comes on to plug his new album. So that was a six-minute, on-stage advertisement. Got it.
8:28 Eminem still on stage, and being bleeped excessively. Can we rename these the MTV Pandering To Teenagers Awards?
8:24 Taraji P. Henson on stage with the cast of The Hangover to introduce a performance by Eminem. First, Taraji P. Henson with The Hangover cast? Who thought that bizarre combo up? Second, what the hell does Eminem’s new album have to do with movies? This is MTV, they stopped playing music ten years ago, yet they suddenly return to it during the movie awards? I can’t watch music videos on MTV anymore, but I’m forced to watch Eminem during an awards ceremony which has nothing to do with him. Brilliant MTV. Brilliant.
8:20 Shia LaBeouf on stage to shave. No wait, he’s here to present a “really cool thing”. It’s the award for best fight! And the winner is… Twilight! Seriously, Twilight? This is what happens when fan voting is allowed to happen unchecked. Worst action in any vampire movie ever. It’s all about the emotion-porn.
8:20 It’s official. Andy Samberg doesn’t know what he’s doing. Montel Jordan? Really dude? Really?
8:19 When did the golden popcorn become Popcorn Man, and what will it take to get them to go back?
8:12 Michael Bay and Megan Fox on stage to intro an exclusive sneak peek at Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. In it, Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf hide in a desert ruin while a very angry robot chases them. Meh. For some reason I expected more. Very short.
8:09 Wasting no time! Anna Faris and Chris Pine on stage to present the award for Breakthrough Female. And the winner is… Ashley Tisdale, High School Musical 3. Um, if you’re in your third movie in a series does that really count as breakthrough? What, nobody watched the first two?
8:07 Andy Samberg raps the intro old school! Megan Fox not amused. Fred Armison does some sort of skit with Dr. Drew in the audience, it makes no sense. Cameron Diaz dances.
8:07 First web 2.0 reference. Viral video: Keyboard cat.
8:06 Samberg lays down ground rules for the evening. Farting ok. Punching not ok, unless you’re Kiefer Sutherland.
8:04 Andy Samberg, after several minutes naked, appears on stage in a tux after an intro by Justin Timberlake and a gratuitous Dick in a Box reference.
8:03 Andy Samberg beamed naked into the Enterprise transporter room which is run by… Aziz Ansari!
8:01 Samberg digitally inserted into the year’s big movies. He’s totally crushing on Twilight’s Edward.
8:00 Andy Samberg appears on screen, re-enacting Slumdog Millionaire. Sound returns to MTV. Here we go!
7:59 The Hills ends and the sound goes out. MTV with the technical problems.
7:50 Megan Fox commercial break! Brunettes > blondes.
7:47 CST Suffering through The Hills while waiting for the Awards to start. What happened to the pre-show? So… much… blonde… hair. I feel like I’ve had my eyeballs dipped in bleach. Actually, that might be preferable.
BEST MOVIE (voting stays live throughout the 2009 Movie Awards ceremony)
• The Dark Knight
• Director: Christopher Nolan, Producers: Charles Roven and Emma Thomas (Warner Bros. Pictures)
• High School Musical 3: Senior Year Director: Kenny Ortega, Producers: Bill Borden and Barry Rosenbush (Walt Disney Pictures)
• Iron Man Director: Jon Favreau, Producers: Avi Arad and Kevin Feige (Paramount Pictures)
• Slumdog Millionaire
Director: Danny Boyle, Producer: Christian Colson (Fox Searchlight)
Director: Catherine Hardwicke, Producers: Wyck Godfrey, Greg Mooradian and Mark Morgan (Summit Entertainment)
BEST FEMALE PERFORMANCE
• Angelina Jolie – Wanted (Universal Pictures)
• Anne Hathaway – Bride Wars (20th Century Fox)
• Kate Winslet – The Reader (The Weinstein Company)
• Kristen Stewart – Twilight (Summit Entertainment)
• Taraji P. Henson – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount Pictures)
BEST MALE PERFORMANCE
• Christian Bale – The Dark Knight (Warner Bros. Pictures)
• Robert Downey Jr. – Iron Man (Paramount Pictures)
• Shia LaBeouf – Eagle Eye (DreamWorks SKG/ Paramount Pictures)
• Vin Diesel – Fast & Furious (Universal Pictures)
• Zac Efron – High School Musical 3: Senior Year (Walt Disney Pictures)
BREAKTHROUGH PERFORMANCE FEMALE
• Amanda Seyfried – Mamma Mia! (Universal Pictures)
• Ashley Tisdale – High School Musical 3: Senior Year (Walt Disney Pictures)
• Freida Pinto – Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight)
• Miley Cyrus – Hannah Montana: The Movie (Walt Disney Pictures)
• Vanessa Hudgens – High School Musical 3: Senior Year (Walt Disney Pictures)
• Kat Dennings – Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist (Columbia Pictures)
BREAKTHROUGH PERFORMANCE MALE
• Robert Pattinson – Twilight (Summit Entertainment)
• Taylor Lautner – Twilight (Summit Entertainment)
• Ben Barnes – The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (Walt Disney Pictures)
• Dev Patel – Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight)
• Bobb’e J. Thompson – Role Models (Universal Pictures)
BEST COMEDIC PERFORMANCE
• Amy Poehler – Baby Mama (Universal Pictures)
• Anna Faris – The House Bunny (Columbia Pictures)
• James Franco – Pineapple Express (Columbia Pictures)
• Jim Carrey – Yes Man (Warner Bros. Pictures)
• Steve Carell – Get Smart (Warner Bros. Pictures)
• Derek Mears – Friday The 13th (Warner Bros. Pictures)
• Dwayne Johnson – Get Smart (Warner Bros. Pictures)
• Heath Ledger – The Dark Knight (Warner Bros. Pictures)
• Johnathon Schaech – Prom Night (Screen Gems)
• Luke Goss – Hellboy II: The Golden Army (Universal Pictures)
• Anne Hathaway vs. Kate Hudson – Bride Wars (20th Century Fox)
• Christian Bale vs. Heath Ledger – The Dark Knight (Warner Bros. Pictures)
• Ron Perlman vs. Luke Goss – Hellboy II: The Golden Army (Universal Pictures)
• Robert Pattinson vs. Cam Gigandet – Twilight (Summit Entertainment)
• Seth Rogen and James Franco vs. Danny McBride – Pineapple Express (Columbia Pictures)
• Angelina Jolie and James McAvoy – Wanted (Universal Pictures)
• Freida Pinto and Dev Patel – Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight)
• James Franco and Sean Penn – Milk (Focus Features)
• Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson – Twilight (Summit Entertainment)
• Paul Rudd and Thomas Lennon – I Love You, Man (Paramount Pictures)
• Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron – High School Musical 3: Senior Year (Walt Disney Pictures)
BEST WTF MOMENT (New Category)
• Amy Poehler – Baby Mama, Peeing In the Sink (Universal Pictures)
• Angelina Jolie – Wanted, Curved Bullet Kill (Universal Pictures)
• Ayush Mahesh Khedekar – Slumdog Millionaire, Jumping in the Poop Shed (Fox Searchlight)
• Ben Stiller – Tropic Thunder, Tasting the Decapitated Head (DreamWorks SKG/ Paramount Pictures)
• Jason Segel and Kristen Bell – Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Naked Break-Up (Universal Pictures)
BEST SONG FROM A MOVIE (New Category) • “Jai Ho” – AR Raham, Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight)
• “The Wrestler” – Bruce Springsteen, The Wrestler (Fox Searchlight)
• “The Climb” – Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana: The Movie (Walt Disney Pictures)
• “Decode” – Paramore, Twilight (Summit Entertainment)