That The Hills Have Eyes will be number one this weekend is almost a foregone conclusion. It’s a horror movie, and even the worst of those has done amazingly well box office business lately. And the film’s marketing campaign and even the critical consensus is filled with all the right buzz words. You know, words like “brutal” and “horrifying”. Nothing gets people to the theater faster than the prospect of blood. I’m not sure what that says about us as a society, but it’s a fact. Competing with it are two other pretty high profile movies, but neither is getting positive reviews and won’t do much to capture the much coveted dumb teen audience. They’ll be rolling out the fake I.D.s to sneak into Hills.
But who cares about box office. Here’s our look at what you should be watching this weekend.
Limited Releases (Opening in fewer than 500 theaters.)
Ask the Dust debuts in a 6 theater release this weekend. It’s an adaptation of a Depression-Era novel, which probably means it’s a lot of fun. Aging beautifully star Salma Hayek stars as a fiery Mexican looking to better herself by marrying someone rich. I guess she’s not big on women’s lib. Things get complicated when she meets an aspiring writer played by Colin Farrell, because he’s really hot but also kind of poor. Will she choose good looks or massive amounts of cash?
Also in limited release is the controversy courting Asia Argento movie The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things. It’s a confused story about a boy bouncing back and forth between being raised by a whore and extremist, fundamental Christians. Expect lots of fun shots at the Jesus fish lovin, overly religious.
Expanding
The Libertine opened in limited release back in 2005, but this weekend it goes to 815 theaters. It’s the first time it’s played anywhere outside of the one or two theaters it popped up in back in December to qualify for Oscar consideration. Why they were so worried about qualifying for an Academy Award is a mystery, the film never had any chance of getting one. It stars Johnny Depp as the Earl of Rochester, a 17th century womanizing, debauched poet who drank and slept his way to an early death only to receive posthumous acclaim. Sometimes the best thing an artist can do for his art is drop dead.
Failure to Launch (Opens in 3,057 theaters.)
With both Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker rocketing towards George Hamilton tanning levels, it was only natural to pair them up in a bad romantic comedy. As you might expect, they’re terrible together. Luckily, the film has a great supporting cast to save their ass in the story of a 35-year-old man who still lives at home with his parents. To get him out of their house, his parents hire a self-titled relationship expert, who will use fake romance to lure him into growing the hell up.
The Shaggy Dog (Opens in 3,501 theaters.)
Tim Allen continues making ineffectual family films in this remake of the classic Disney family movie The Shaggy Dog. The original starred the great Fred MacMurray and told the story of a kid named Wilby Daniels who stumbles into a vague, Borgia curse which turns him into a dog. In the new one, Wilby Daniels and the Boriga curse are nowhere to be found. In their place is an unnecessarily complicated, overly explained science plot which preaches environmentalism and turns not only Tim Allen into a mutt, but transforms a cobra snake into a dog as well. Weird. Bring back Lucretia Borgia!
The Hills Have Eyes (Opens in 2,620 theaters.)
It’s a remake of the dubiously classic 70s Wes Craven movie of the same name, and tells the happy tale of a family of brutal mutants slaughtering a family of hapless vacationers. It’s directed by Alexandre Aja, who last year directed the horror movie Haute Tension, which a lot of people seemed to like. If sickening slaughter and vicious mutant killers is your thing, you’ll probably want to give The Hills Have Eyes a shot. If it isn’t, stay home with me and watch the season finale of Battlestar Galactica, tonight on the Sci-Fi Channel.
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