Why Ewoks Are Actually Terrifying

You can’t help but love the Ewoks. Sure, for some, their cutesy efforts in Return Of The Jedi were the start of Star Wars’ creative barren spell, which has only just been rectified. But even the most cynical of individuals must admit that there is something innately loveable about their teddy-like features and antics. It turns out, though, that there has been a huge misreading of the Ewoks, and the good folks over at Cracked have created an in-depth video that perfectly explains why the Ewoks are murderous savages that like to decapitate Stormtroopers and eat their brains. Seriously.

Wow. Has anyone else’s childhood just been ruined in an instant? I always just saw the Ewoks as a rambunctious, fun-loving and huggable race of teddy bear like creatures that were a cross between Winnie The Pooh and The Oompa Lumpas. But, thanks to the above video, I can now see the error of my ways, and they are clearly far from peaceful and would probably murder you in an instant.

The evidence starts with the fact that they captured the Jedi demi-god Luke Skywalker and the galaxy’s best scavenger Han Solo. Sure, that could easily be construed as just being lucky. But they still deserve some credit, considering that it took the entire might of the Empire army, a bounty hunter, and a treacherous friend for Darth Vader to finally get his hands on them.

But there’s more. Way more. One sequence shows an Ewok instantly getting to grips with a speeder bike, which, at a glance, you would think would be way beyond his primitive mind and knowledge. It literally takes the Ewok a handful of seconds to figure out the perfect combination of levers to get the bike moving. Basically, they have a immediate understanding of foreign weapons, which in a war-time environment is particularly advantageous.

Then just look at their own weapons and attire. In one scene an Ewok can be seen wearing a boar-wolf as a hat, which means that the tiny critter murdered the scary looking beast, carved out his brain, and then placed the face over the top of his head to keep warm. The sick bastards. They also have poisoned arrows that are able to give their victims an elongated, horribly painful death, too.

Probably the most gruesome fact about the Ewoks is that they eat humans. After Han and Luke are captured it’s clearly shown that a feast is planned, and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that our favorite heroes will be on the menu. But, during the party, after their success at the Battle Of Endor, Stormtrooper helmets are shown on spikes, which suggests that after the Ewoks bludgeoned them to death, they decapitated their captors, ate their brains, and then used them as instruments.

They also probably asked Han, Luke and Leia to eat them too. And as their guests they would have needed to do so, otherwise they would have just been rude. Who knew that George Lucas had such a mean streak in him?

Gregory Wakeman