Too lazy to read all the wonderful news our insightful crew scours the globe to bring you every day? Too outmoded to have an MP3 player for the podcast? Shame on you all! However, being the generous lot we are, welcome to news:blended, your weekly guide to the most interesting stories reported on Cinema Blend over the last seven days.
The 4th of July is here and with it comes all those great 4th of July traditions: gas at eighty thousand billion dollars a gallon, every other home in America getting foreclosed on, and Will Smith releasing a crappy movie. This is what our Founding Fathers and Grandfathers, and Second Cousins died for all those years ago. To honor the founding of this great nation, read some reviews of The Dark Knight, support Matthew Fox like a mo-fo, and celebrate a pot dealing teen. Happy 4th of July.
SATURDAY
Like a written review, only completely different.
Paris. Hilton. Movie.
It’s been the 21st Century for quite awhile now, but we finally got on board that freight train. That’s right, we’ve discovered video! Now, instead of just reading a movie review you disagree with, you can get a video review of the same movie by a different person. We offer you two critics to ignore and resent. That’s service my friends. We also offer the online trailer for a musical about repo men who take purchased body parts back. Stars include Paris Hilton and Joan Jett. It is impossible that this movie will not suck fourteen different ways.
SUNDAY
Strike news no one cares about.
Talk talk, talk talk, all you do with me is talk, talk.
I wrote a story updating the SAG negotiations. Most of the facts were made up and I called the President of SAG Guillermo Von Titinface. No one noticed. Ok, I didn’t do that, but I’m not sure anyone noticed regardless. Sunday was a little slow. Not slow enough for us to ignore the Weekly Blend Audio Show. We may be all videoriffic lately, but we still talk about movies old school. In a downloadable data file you can play on your personal electronic conveyance device. The same way Thomas Jefferson and John Adams used to correspond.
MONDAY
Watch James Bond lick some back.
It took me awhile to figure this out, because I’m stupid. We sometimes write stories about an actor…say….Matthew Fox. You call him something mildly derogatory….say…bland. Then someone on the site matthewfoxrulesudrool.org picks up the story and reposts it with the comment “u won’t b-leev whot theese guys r sayin’ bout MATTY!” Then everyone from over there posts in our comment section. Mostly stuff like “you wish you were as brilliant as Matthew Fox you ass-clown.” See this phenomenon in action on our story about….say….Matthew Fox. Don’t let all your phenomenon seeing get in the way of watching the Quantum of Solace trailer. The name is still stupid, but the movie looks freakin’ great. That’s better than really great but not as good as super-freakin’ great-tastic.
TUESDAY
Rapid fans are rabid fans with super speed.
Johnny Depp makes news by wearing a tank top.
According to the experts in my family, Camp Rock was a poor man’s High School Musical. It was successful, though, and it had those dreamy Hanson Brothers. It had the Hanson Brothers, right? Anyway, the director of Camp Rock is going to get more work, which is nice for his family. Johnny Depp will also get more work, but right now he is working on Michael Mann’s movie about 1930’s gangsters. In the movie, he dresses like a 1930’s gangster, which makes some sense.
Lots of people watch bad movie, leading to more bad movies.
This sounds like the most unlikely thing since $4 a gallon gas.
Simply making a bad movie is not enough to keep people out of the theaters. They are lining up to see Hancock even though it’s supposed to be very lame. It plays the lame game and wins! It also won’t stop them from making a sequel. Of course, this time Will Smith says the movie better not be lame. He’s sitting out the lame game. Speaking of lame, and when am I not? Some guy is pretending to reboot the Superman franchise again. There is no way the reboot will actually happen, but it gives us all a chance to talk about the Superman Returns box office performance. Again. .
THURSDAY
We ask a question with an obvious answer. No.
Method Man becomes method actor. Not really.
Josh has been knocking out some editorials lately. He even got on a real kick and did two in two days. The first asked if Pixar is really as great as we think it is. Well, yes, it is. I guess it’s ok to ask, but it’s not like it’s a tough question. What is the square root of 456,945 cubed. That’s a tough question to answer. Not so tough is why we have so many The Wackness interviews lately. The answer is the movie just got a limited release and we want you to see it. Not cause we are producers or anything.
FRIDAY
The Dark Knight darkens the night of darkness. Wait, that makes no sense.
It’s Spider-Man 2. Duh.
Just like on Thursday, Josh came up with an editorial with an easily answered question. Is The Dark Knight so good it will cause the end of superhero movies for all time. The answer is no. Settled? Good. Then we all have time to vote in the Favorite 4th of July Movie Poll. The film with the most votes gets an all expense paid trip to Columbia. I hope it’s not The Wild, Wild West, since that means we are all stupid.
That’s all for another week of news blending. It’s like what you get at Jamba Juice, but cheaper and not quite as healthy. If you liked it or didn’t, leave some feedback.
