Alright kids, please pardon my untoward language but: wasn’t that some bullshit we just saw on this week’s episode of The Bachelor? I mean, they set us up for crazy at the end of last week's episode. They were misleading like all get-out in those promotional materials! Where was the drama, where were all the absolute “oh hell to the no” commentary from the parents that we were promised? Where were the tears, the yelling, the game-changing? Oh, tomorrow night. Cool.

In that case, we’re keeping this one short and sweet. So let’s take a look at the hometown dates — all of which were blandly boring, overall. Sure, Clare had her Clareness, but not to the level had she been up against Nikki, so meh. We were underwhelmed by tonight’s hometown dates. Weren’t you? Let’s discuss their doings and try not to get annoyed.

Nikki’s Hometown: Kansas City

Nikki, ever the excited frontrunner, had her hometown date go swimmingly. No surprise, considering the girl is smitten kitten over Juan Pebbles. And he likes her quite a lot, too (heck, she’s already met his family). In the end, her feelings for him were strong but she couldn’t bring herself to be forthcoming with them. Blah blah blah.

Andi’s Hometown: Atlanta, Georgia

Are you feeling dangerous? Andi and Juan Pablo set out to shoot at some paper from across the room in a highly controlled environment. We might as well call her Andi DANGER. She’s pretty good at shooting stuff (guns are terrifying), but her biggest wonder was: can Juanie P hit a bullseye?! What a metaphor. The bullseye is, of course, her heart: after all, Andi’s been waiting to fall in love with Juan Pablo, but she’s not there yet. When it came to meeting Andi’s family — a deciding factor on how she might feel, according to her — the tune was not as sweet. In fact Dad was NOT HAVING ANY OF IT. Her practically-a-twin sister wasn’t much into JP, either. Andi’s dad won’t wish them well, doesn’t give Andi his blessing on it. Ladies and gentlemen, your next Bachelorette.

Renee’s Hometown: Sarasota, Florida

Oh Renee. Poor Renee. She’s so excited about her family meeting Juan Pebbles, and especially her so. So much so that she’s going to eat said son (Ben): but not before JP meets him, natch. She, too, feels that her family’s opinions are the deciding factor, but she is certain she’s falling in love with him. She didn’t, though, because nerves. There was literally nothing of interest in this date except for her mother’s off-handed comment regarding JP: “We do love our pets,” which I thought was amazing. A+, mom.

Clare’s Hometown: Sacramento, California

Clare’s hometown date was all about her dad. Unfortunately we were not privy to her father’s private video. We were, however, privy to a very sweet story about sharing her father-daughter dance with him before he passed. But the family drama we were promised was really just her overprotective and clearly-not-adept-at-being-on-camera older sister Laura, who played Captain Buttinski for her mom. Laura asserted that Clare was attempting to emotionally manipulate her mother by crying after Laura’s “getting real” moment, but really it all just came across as weird and awkward. There was a lot of talk about respect. It was bizarre. Especially because — spoiler alert! — The whole family actually likes JP. Overall, Clare’s family is not all that crazy, so why is she calling them crazy? She’s clearly the craziest one in her family.

In the end, the “shocking” rose ceremony was everything but: Renee went home after Nikki, Clare, and Andi (in that order) got roses. It was sad because she seemed to actually, weirdly, really like him. But tomorrow: man oh man tomorrow better be dramatic as fuck, or I’m going to be really pissed.

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