Emily's in Dubrovnik, Croatia, home to many pigeons. Ricki is back in Charlotte, blissfully unaware of the down and dirty dealings her momma is engaging in on the Adriatic shores. This week, Emily either feels really strongly towards her remaining suitors or has "no clue" as to how she feels about them. So for clarification, men in skirts and an extended advertisement for Pixar's next movie are in order.
The guys' hotel room is pretty sick. Meanwhile, it looks like Emily is checking into some sort of hovel. Emily appears in the guys' living room wearing something adorable and sparkly. Everyone agrees that they didn't expect Croatia to be "THIS," not specifying what "this" is. She has a date card and it's for Travis: "Let's look for love beyond the walls." Nobody even tries to guess what that means. I guess they'll find out after the commercial break!
Emily and Travis go to Old City Dubrovnik for their date. She's wearing a pink leather jacket, which in theory doesn't sound very good, but in execution is quite lovely. The men on this show have become a constant distraction from the many pretty things that Emily wears. Please step out of the way, Travis. I can't see Emily's scarf. Emily gives Trav the ol' tour guide business, explaining that "thousands of people live inside these walls." If that isn't the start of some creepy Eastern European nightmare of a fairy tale, I don't know what is.
We learn that Old City Dubrovnik is charming because it's the type of place where a man with a mysteriously attached beard can still make a living by carving things out of stone. Travis and Emily dance in an alley to folk music played by a guy who was in no way set up by the producers to be right in that alley right at that time. Despite having a good ol' ugly American hoedown, our Bachelorette and date fail to tip the musician. His dreams of becoming "big American rock band" are dashed.
Travis is having a great time -- he says that the date is a ten on a scale of eight -- but the guys back at the hotel don't know if it's going to work out. Ryan doesn't think that Emily has a big enough personality to date Travis, who as far as I can tell, has little to no personality. So, it's confusing. Ryan must know what he's talking about, though, because he "has a mean man" that comes out of him on the football field. Wait, what?
The second part of the date takes place in the exact same set, er, in a similar setting to her date with Sean last week. Emily tells us that the stage has been set for romance, so if there's gonna be romance, there's gonna be romance. It's a funny concept -- sprinkle rose petals all over the place, add a little vaseline to the lens, and things should progress smoothly to the bedroom. But we all know nothing says "marry me" like getting wasted and making mistakes, so poor Travis is out of luck in this magically sober setting. Travis just seems so nice, but he's low on game. He hasn't dated anyone since breaking up with his fiance two years earlier. Emily is probably afraid that he's forgotten how to do the sex. He doesn't get a rose.
Cut to the gentlemen back at the hotel. It's another date card: "Lasting love requires bravery." John, Doug, Sean, Jef, Chris, and Arie are up, so Ryan gets the one-on-one. Everyone is just thrilled to hear the news. Since Kalon's departure, Ryan is suddenly enemy number one. It's hard to tell what annoys the guys most: Ryan's interestingly manicured beard or the fact that his hair looks like feathers.
Travis is sent home in the rain. How sad! He says that the rejection sucks "with a capital S-U-C-K." Poor fella. He also makes a hand gesture that suggests that his heart is so big that it's wider than his shoulders. He better find someone else soon, because that thing's gonna blow! Travis is so dejected that he throws his umbrella in the street. Now I feel bad for Travis and the umbrella. All in all a very sad send off.
Group date time! Or... more commercials? Because the first part of the group date is literally a fifteen minute advertisement for Pixar's Brave. ABC parent company Disney's (and Pixar's) Brave. This is absolutely ridiculous. We see most of the movie, and there's nothing like watching a group of people watch a movie. Emily dreams that Ricki will someday be as wonderful as the movie's main character. What if they had gone to see Up? Emily would have then definitely wished her daughter would some day grow up to be as wonderful, grouchy and male as the movie's main character.
Next, the guys will be competing in the Highland games, a set of physical challenges that celebrate Scottish culture and the ABC/Disney/Pixar movie Brave, all while in the Croatian country side. Could the production team not afford to get these guys to Scotland? They were just in London. It's a very odd mix of cultural confusion! The men are dressed in tight tank tops, kilts, and knee socks. They ride donkeys into the battle zone, and take on their first challenge: archery. Everyone's pretty good, except for Chris.
For the next event, the men must pick up a giant log and flip it over. The Olympics it ain't. Chris volunteers to go first. And is terrible. "We don't do this in Chicago," he says. Excuses, I say! The rest of the guys, armed with the arms of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, have little trouble accomplishing the task. Except for Jef. Ol' string bean arms can barely lift the thing. But looks adorable trying, at least.
Finally, the men compete one-on-one in the Maid Leash(?). Jef doesn't know either. The guys pull a log between each other? I'm going to stop explaining now before this turns into the synopsis for a porno. Chris picks Doug, the biggest and burliest of all the Ninja Turtles, to face off against. So naturally, Chris gets his butt kicked. But Emily loves it! Why? Because in Brave, people are BRAVE! And Chris has shown great bravery for embarrassing himself in front of the manlier of the men. She gives him a tin cup as a prize.
The rest of the group date takes place near the water. The guys try to get their one-on-one time in. Arie wants to apologize "about London." Blimey! Is he responsible for the weather there? He feels like he should have stood up for her more during the Kalon debacle. Not this again! She says she holds him to a different standard for no apparent reason. Then something awesome happens. As they peer into a shop window, Emily says, "Those dolls are kind of creepy," and then Arie goes in for the kiss! It's probably the sexiest transition in Bachelorette history.
Meanwhile, Ryan's been spending the day alone with his thoughts, the wind whistling between his ears. His date card comes: "Ryan, the world is our oyster." He's thrilled and immediately starts to pick out his outfit, including a pair of Smurf-like loafers. The man knows style.
Back at the marina, Emily is cold, so Jef gives her his coat. He is so cute, but he is also so twelve years old. The two of them together... it's like hot for teacher. But he keeps her guessing, and she really likes him. He tells her a secret: He's "freaking crazy" about her. Cute. Chris is up next. We get a recap of how brave he is. He's been "in the shadows" for a while this season, presumably creeping us all out from there? It's a weird thing to say. Emily looks so uncomfortable and literally runs away from him. But it's to get the rose for him.
There's more talk among the men of Ryan's villainy. Why is he the villain? One reason offered by the men is that Ryan shaves his legs. Ryan may be smooth, but silky smooth? Ryan and Emily's date is a road trip, Emily explains, "because the date card says" that the world is their oyster. I think someone needs to define the word "oyster" for these two. Oh, no, the real reason is because they go oystering. That makes much more sense. Emily tastes one and spits it out all back woods West Virginia off the side of the boat. It's a great date so far. Ryan carries a little picnic basket around. They meet a man who babbles something incoherent at them (Translation: Get the hell out of our country, white trash), and a dog who wants to eat whatever they've packed for their picnic. The dog keeps reappearing. I wish it had its own show.
Ryan's biggest hope is that he and Emily can be companions, but he really wants a trophy wife. To be fair, she's dressed like a giant trophy. "The trophy is who you are, not what you look like," Ryan says, making absolutely no sense whatsoever. He's written down twelve things he wants in a woman: Loyal, logical (let's be honest, Ry, women need apply to this one, am I right?), number four is "encourager." I guess there's no number three. Five is faithful... these are boring. Magnetic is one of them, and it's accompanied by a wink. That ol' pantie dropper, the wink. It works every time! Then he says he wants someone who is either a servant or subservient, or something about serving. He's put this one in bold. Emily is concerned that she needs to be perfect around Ryan all the time. She doesn't want to fit into some sort of mold for him. Like the mold the Oscars are made in.
Emily picks up the rose and tells Ryan that he's one of the best looking guys she's ever seen. But on her list, a loving, not perfect family would be at the top. And that isn't anywhere on his list. They don't want the same thing. He isn't getting a rose. "That is very shocking because I would not have seen that coming," Ryan says. Yes, that is generally how shock works. He starts giving her the hard sell about regret and time, and he can see that he's about to make her cry, so he keeps pushing. He is awful, and there is more winking. Emily says that for the first time, she doesn't feel confident in her decision. But instead of saying this to the camera, she says it right to Ryan. Tricky editing suggests that she's going to cave, but Emily stands her ground and refuses Ryan a rose again. During his exit, Ryan tells the camera that he hopes they portray him as who he is, not as some arrogant ass. Which is who he is. Jef is right on the money when he says that Ryan just wants to be the next Bachelor. See you on Bachelor Pad probably, Ryan!
Now a wholesome bunch are left in the hotel, and Arie wants to be there for Emily. So he goes to Emily's hovel. They cuddle on her bed (dangerous territory!) and she gives him Ryan's rose as a down payment on the next day's. It's all kind of cute until they start kissing. In slow motion. Maybe those creepy dolls are watching them!
Rose ceremony time! Emily enters in a floor length sparkly dress. Woman loves sparkly dresses even more than Taylor Swift. She looks stunning per usual. Normally I hate the cheesy dresses these women wear, but she always looks so great. Tonight, like all other nights, is extremely important. Why? Because on this night, we recline instead of sit or stand. No! It's because Emily's figuring out who her husband is going to be! Doug and John are on the bubble, and Emily thinks that she's sending home John until he whips out his grandparents' funeral cards. Oh, man. Emily can't send him home now. Too sad. Doug doesn't want to go home. Emily wants Doug to show more confidence. We learn that his nickname is Humble Doug. Cool, Doug. Emily's speech leaves Doug even less sure of where he stands than before. I feel bad for the guy. He is obviously normal, sweet and kind. Three things that do not bode well for him.
It's been a life changing week, according to Chris, and one of these fellas is going to be on a plane back to the United States TONIGHT! I'm not sure that there are that many direct flights from Croatia to the U.S., but sure. Let's go with it. Sean gets the first rose. I'd be pissed if I were Arie. Jef gets the next one. Then Arie. John is getting hot under the collar. Emily leaves! She runs outside and finds Chris peeing against the castle wall or something. He's like, What are you doing? But what is HE doing? Cavorting with a producer? Chris assures Emily that "There are no rules here," other than getting drunk and saying bafoonish things, so she needs to do what she needs to do. For a minute it looks like she's going to send both John and Doug home, but then she gives them both roses. And they all live happily ever after... Until next week, when they're off to Prague, home to lots more creepy dolls! No, for reals. They're big on puppets there.
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