Jersey Shore Watch: Reunited, And It Smooshes So Good

Well, like anything gooey littering the beach, the Jersey Shore cast tends to stick together. We reunite in Atlantic City, where all eight of our degenerates have returned to ruin our lives, for one more--and final?--Thursday.

Our hostess has annoying earrings and an asymmetrical head. I'm going to call her Tippy, on account of the head. Tippy introduces everyone, and then informs us that Angelina is not, in fact there, due to Atlantic City's ban on hamsters and other rodents in casinos. The Situation drunkenly mumbles something about grenades in all fifty states, and Pauly informs us of his prowess in something called "the spin move," which is pretty much his version of sweeping the leg. Apparently, the boys in Miami are skinnier than Jersey Boys, which is a problem for JWOWW, due to her desire to be slowly crushed over the years by an orange gorilla. It's nice to want things, J.

We get out first flashback of the evening, where The Situation accidentally picks up a transgendered individual. It's a mess, it's not funny, it's insulting, and I want to show them all Vinny's "It Gets Better" video to prove, point for point, what hypocritical wastes of meat these awful people are, Vinny especially. Ugh. Ugh. Moving on.

Pauly apparently has Tourette's or something, and somehow at one point almost saw JWOWW's "kuka," which I assume is idiotese for "penis." We go through several other catch phrases as I seriously consider playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded weapon. But, thankfully, commercial break hits right before the urge becomes unstoppable.

Post-sweet relief, we focus on Ronnie and Sammi, who somehow are still together. They're like those monkeys that just can't stop humping. I don't understand. Also, Ronnie has Rachel Maddow's haircut, and he's not pulling it off. I also wonder what happened to his eyebrows. Pauly makes a snide remark, and Ronnie's all YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND OUR LOVE, and I think America throws a bucketful of poo at the teevee. Tippy brings us back to the affair of the letter, which makes even less sense in flashback. I really think this is what a stroke, or peyote must feel like. Life stops making sense and everything's orange and the entire world smells like Valtrex. Back in the present, JWOWW takes the humilistage and defends herself. Wow, everyone is the color of my loafers. Blah blah blah. Fight fight fight. Smoosh Smoosh. Commercial.

We're back, and we witness the mating habits of Vinny and Pauly. It's like a Discovery Channel Special: "When Animals Date-rape." I'm over it, I'm over them, and it's clear that they're just trying to find ways to shower together. Vinny reveals that Ramona has met his mother, and somehow it didn't end in a murder-suicide. Tippy says the word "bromance" 467 times. Whatever. We watch a montage of them grooming, and playing in the sand, and laughing, and trading reacharounds. Ah, yes, Vinny. Now I see. It DOES get better...

The Situation joins them on the couch. Suddenly, we get a grenade-diffusing montage, and I'm pretty sure The Situation refers to a lady's special parts as "The Hurt Locker." Even if he didn't, I feel like the universe is begging for that explosive joke to happen, so it did. Also, apparently Ronnie put a grenade "to sleep," somehow, and The Situation makes a face like he's about to cry. Sorry, Mike, I know we told you that we sent that grenade to live on a farm...

Next up is a "The Situation is Embarrassing" sequence, which we call EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT. Vinny and Mike get in a fight and it's a mighty battle betwixt good and evil, and then it's over as quickly as it began, like a sweet kiss from a summer zephyr...or a raging, brief burst of sewer water to the face.

Tippy welcomes us back and it's Snooki time. We go over her Vinny-crush, which is like a big orange dog humping a nice Italian boy's leg. Then it's on to Angelina hatefest #403,255. Yaaaaaaaaaawn. Hey, remember when Snooki tried to get all ghetto and start a fist-fight and it looked like IFC was hosting an Oompa-Loompa mixed martial arts night? ...Yeah. Me neither. Vinny says he slept with Angelina to proove a point--yes, Vinny, your penis knows no standards nor morals. Point proven.

Tippy ends our evening with a quick look back at the fun moments, including breaking closets, camel toes, a liberal dose of HPV, Pauly's abs, Angelina's "kuka" (kuka count: 2), the anatomy of a poof, and the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Hint: I think Snooki is "War." First person to identify the other three correctly wins a prize. Also, Vinny tells us how huge his penis is. Pauly confirms this by telling us about his newfound jaw problems. Get it? Yeah. Think about it.

And, just like that--it ends like it began: quickly, sadly, and with talk of a penis. Tippy reminds us that a return to Seaside is just around the, I'll see you soon, dear readers! Until then, may the GTL be with you. Ciao!