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Jersey Shore Watch: Season 5 - UTI, Oh My

Previously: Vinny left. Mike left. It was all a load of steaming hooey, because they're back now. Also, we as a nation dealt with a rumor that Snooki might be pregnant, which is less surprising than you might think, because if any woman rubs against any surface of that house, boom, immaculate conception. See me after class if you need me to explain further.

This week: Pauly joyously shouts that he and Vinny need the Smush Room...which answers all sorts of questions. Love knows no color and gender, people. Hey, remember when he left like seven minutes ago, when he had depression and crippling anxiety attacks? That's all gone. Mike duckphones up a taxi to karma, and there we are. JWOWW calls up boyfriend Roger (wow, double duckphone action) and he's absent. I was wondering what happened to him. Mike decides to get a JS-themed tattoo...might I recommend SLUT across his forehead? But no, he decides on LOYALTY and BETRAYAL across his back or something, after his two illegitimate children.

Off to the club, mmm sss mmm sss mmm sss. Dance dance dance, yawn. Mike sits in a corner by himself and pouts. Vinny sticks his tongue down...something. Then, Snooki pees herself. Uh oh. When a Snooki loses bladder control, it means she's nearing the end of her life. Time to put this one down. It's the humane thing to do.

Everyone comes home. Deena eats a hot pocket without chewing it--just shoves it into her distended maw. She then wanders the house saying "I love you" to everything. It's sort of like "Good Night Moon," if the lead in that book was some sort of horribly manicured hamster-beast. The next morning, Snooki wanders the house without underwear, peeing everywhere all willy-nilly. Deena electrocutes herself in a hair-product incident, and she wanders the house, wondering what this means for the future.

Snooki diagnoses herself with a UTI, which does not stand for "Ultimate Tanning Institute." She's all "I'm a vet tech, I know what to do," which is maybe the first time she's acknowledged she's a filthy animal. Everyone heads off to the batting cages, where Snooki exclaims that she hates having balls thrown at her, she just wants them in her...not finishing this. It's gross. She also says she doesn't want to be hit in her urinary tract. I feel like she's treating the term "UTI" like the word "Beetlejuice" is used in the movie of the same name.

Oh, and everyone yells at Mike for not hanging out with them. I wouldn't hang out with them, either. Yawn. Snooki then pees on a bush and on a fence and on a car and I think this means she's made all of Seaside her own. She then clearasils his back. I'm sorry, you people know that I've stopped joking and all of this is literal, right? We've gone that far. I don't believe what I'm watching. He then has a long argument with the rest of the house with his genitalia out, wagging to and fro. It's the laziest porno film I've ever seen. Snooki is all "we don't trust you." And that's that. He says it's time to be the bad guy, and legally changes his name to The Confrontation. Double yawn.

Deena and Snooki pull out...the bunny suit. Snooki straps it on, and Deena lures Mike in...and then the bunny humps everything and is talking in a British accent and I have no idea what's going on, it's like a bad episode of Doctor Who. Then everyone drinks some warm beer. WHAT AM I WATCHING?!

Snooki's dad shows up, everyone gets hair extensions, and Mike meets Roger on the beach for a little canoodling. He tells JWOWW that he saw her boyfriend, and there's some drama, and then DaddySnooki takes his daughter to get her UTI examined, and Mike decides to spread some gossip, and the episode mercifully ends.

Tune in next week, where there's more oddly boring drama. And maybe Deena boinks another girl. And we learn more about Snooki's mysterious hoo-hah illness. Ciao!