Sharknado 3: The Three Things We Want Most From This Ridiculous Sequel
Watching Syfy’s Sharknado 2: The Second One for actual movie thrills is akin to having elective surgery from a surgeon who works only by tickling his patients. It’s ludicrous, completely devoid of physics and utilizes performers whose acting skills were forged in a child’s playpen, which means it’s at least twice as good as its predecessor. With Sharknado 3 coming next year, you can bet that The Asylum writer Thunder Levin will sidestep maturation in favor of upping the flying shark ante to even more astronomical heights.
As such, we thought it’d be fun (though admittedly not dramatically insightful) to put together what we think would be the greatest possible sequel for this “fin-chise.” And though it was decided that taking a running leap off of the top of a speeding bus would be better for society, here are three ingredients that the next Sharknado installment needs to become the greatest (shark-filled made-for-TV) movie of 2015.
A Florida Setting
We’re not here to question the weather patterns of Sharknados and how they manage to follow Ian Ziering’s character Fin across the country, but we’ll gladly use that hollow plot contrivance to take the action to a different setting. Bigger is better, right? And what would be bigger and better than seeing an entire state get demolished? We’ve seen the sharks take over L.A. and New York – or at least CGI stand-ins for those cities – and now we want to see a bunch of sharks flying over what has, in recent years, become a go-to state for weird and wacky news stories. Plus, it’s got Disney World!
The Florida experience would be two-fold, and theme parks are definitely part of it. There’s no possibly way this production could actually secure the rights to film in Disney World, but that doesn’t mean The Asylum can’t put money together to create truly awful ripoff rides and attractions. (Tomorrowplace, Coffee Cup rides, Space Hill, etc.) Hinted at by the picture above, this would also be an excellent way to reference the now-missing Jaws: The Ride at Universal, which is owned by NBCUniversal, which also owns Syfy. Shark symbiosis! And then once we’re done with the parks, there’s all those beaches and wetlands to play around in. Sharknado 2 brought in a random ass alligator for its subway scene, so why not have an entire set-piece involving sharks falling down on alligators, while Fin and his crew run through swamp water? Forget Vegas. Forget Paris. Florida needs to get sharkified.
A New Batch of Guest Stars
Don’t get me wrong, the list of guest stars and cameos in Sharknado 2 is applaud-worthy, if not award-worthy. Airplane!’s Robert Hays showing up in the beginning as a pilot was pretty much enough for me to forgive this pic’s lack of story and realism. But then there were Taxi’s Judd Hirsch, Pepa, Robert Klein, Biz Markie, Al Roker and Billy Ray muh-fuckin’ Cyrus, to name just a few. (Also, how about Wil Wheaton showing up just to get eaten?) Can this cast possibly be topped? Absolutely.
Let’s bring Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer to Sharknado 3, shall we? Considering Mark McGrath has a starring role in Sharknado 2, I think we can make room for other non-actor musicians here. Richie Sambora and Tom Araya are also welcome. Leave it to Beaver’s Jerry Mathers is still kicking it, so why not bring him and Donna Reed’s Paul Peterson in to play somebody’s bumble-worthy dads. Let’s get Bob from Sesame Street in there as well, or maybe just a Muppet character that everyone pretends is real. We’ve already seen Andy Dick, so why not have Pauly Shore playing a hermit who only comes out of his abode to talk weasels before getting shark-bit. Maybe the action can head to a skating rink, where Tonya Harding can make a terrible pun. And as far as people playing themselves, Nancy Grace needs to get eaten by a shark. (I’m pretty sure I mean in the movie.) And finally, let’s get American Pie's Chris Kline to appear as Tara Reid’s ex-boyfriend. Meta shark moment!
Diversify the Action
For a while, Sharknado 2 seems like it is heading down an all-new path of completely impossible mayhem – why is it that people on Liberty Island can see shark rain, yet Al Roker and his Today Show staff can’t? – but then Fin falls back on the first film’s gimmicks to try and save the day. It should have felt awesome (or some other descriptor) when Fin finally gets his chainsaw, but the Sharknado gave us the epitome of all chainsaw/shark sequences, so it wasn’t needed. Also, that whole “bomb in the middle of the Sharknado” idea should really be dropped, slingshots and all.
Now that airplanes, subways and taxis have been taken off the table, how about watching Fin & Co. riding golf carts and shooting bazookas at sharks falling into sandtraps. (Maybe Mr. T can cameo as a bazooka store owner or something.) I’m also fairly certain no one would bat an eyelash if Fin got a hold of a hoverboard and could expertly use it in mere seconds, all while shooting fire arrows out of a crossbow. And if we’re going along with the whole “set it in Florida” idea that I’ve already discussed, how about taking the story to Cape Canaveral, where a space shuttle is inexplicably about to be launched. Sharks. In. Space. The only proper way to create a franchise’s third entry.
Now I'm throwing it over to you guys. What do you want to see in Sharknado 3? Should Tara Reid lose her entire face this time?
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Nick is a Cajun Country native, and is often asked why he doesn't sound like that's the case. His love for his wife and daughters is almost equaled by his love of gasp-for-breath laughter and gasp-for-breath horror. A lifetime spent in the vicinity of a television screen led to his current dream job, as well as his knowledge of too many TV themes and ad jingles.