TV Recap: Desperate Housewives Premiere

It’s time, and Desperate Housewives begins with a real bang. And, I mean that very literally. If you’ve been watching the show since the beginning, you will know that the voice that begins every episode is that of Mary Alice – dear friend of the ladies of Wisteria Lane, who also committed suicide in the very first episode. Miss Mary Alice tells us the tale of Susan and M.J. and the fact that another woman named Lila gave birth to her daughter in the same hour, in the same hospital, on the same day. They left the hospital at the same time, they’ve been in many of the same places, yet they’ve never met. The one night, on Mike and Susan’s anniversary to be exact, they both leave home at the same time, and have a terrible (and I mean terrible) car crash. Yes, into each other.

Skip ahead to the present, and we see Lynette with her teenagers, Bree in her new profession (with hair that looks like a swiss cake roll), Gaby looking really frumpy and really pregnant with two chubby daughters, and Susan screwing someone who clearly is not Mike.

Bree is now a professional chef with a cookbook and a photo shoot. Her perfection is irritating to the photographer and her friends. Her dear friend Katherine is frustrated because Bree is not present for their catering business, and gets a sweet jab in about Bree pretending to be a cook. But Bree kills her with kindness when Katherine finds out Bree dedicated her book to her dearest friend.

Lynette comes to the Scavo Pizzeria to find a mini-casino run by Porter and Preston – complete with tequila shots. The stupid boys admit they’ve been doing it for a month, and somehow think that saying they have homecoming is going to get them out of it.

Now, that guy Susan is screwing. I’m more than slightly irritated, cause it sure seems like she is cheating. She’s been sleeping with the guy for four months, and she won’t let him spend the night. She won’t let him meet her friends, her son, etc. Where is Mike in all of this??? This new guy is not that cute, and I miss Mike! And the guy seems like he’s 19 or something.

And finally, we see an older bald guy being bribed to leave his rented home by Neal McDonough (aka Mr. Williams.) He seems nice, until he all but threatens the poor old guy and starts counting backwards from 5. He gives the guy a whole lotta cash, and though we don’t know for sure what happened, the old guy and Mr. Williams leave the house with the old guy’s suitcases. Mr. Williams tells Mrs. Williams that the situation has been dealt with, and when the window of the black car in the driveway rolls down, who should it be but Edie!

Now, of course, no one knows Edie is back, so she sets out in her pathetic leopard bathing suit to wash the car, a la season one. The ladies confront her, and she gladly lets them know she’s got a husband now – Susan kills me by asking, “Whose?” - HA!

Edie seems her old self when she asks Gaby what the hell happened to her. Gaby says that she had two kids, and Edie asks if she ate them for breakfast? When she says that Gaby should fix herself up even though Carlos is blind, the new husband grabs her arm and tells her to be nice. Edie apologizes and the ladies tell Dave (Mr. Williams) that they love him! This new Edie should be a trip, but quite honestly they could have left her out of the time jump.

Gaby confronts Carlos on their daughter’s eating habits and they have a little tiff over the weight issue.

Lynette asks Tom to talk to the boys, and she realizes that Tom (the high school nerd) is living vicariously through their wild twins. He laughs and says he was cool – but apparently he played the tuba in high school, and we all know what that means…

Gaby takes Juanita (the chubby 4 year old) to a birthday party, and overhears the other moms talking about Juanita’s weight. I think that was the push Gaby needed to take some action for her little girl.

And unfortunately, we have to see Susan making out with her not cute house painter/ guy she’s screwing who isn’t Mike. Lynette comes in to bitch about Tom, and the guy pops out the window in his underwear. He grabs his overalls through the window and the gay guys next door snap a pic of him standing outside. When he gets back in, he complains that they wouldn’t have to sneak around if Susan would just introduce them.

Back to Gaby and her chubster – she makes Juanita chase her home while she drives… HA!

Katherine confronts Bree because it seems that Bree included some of Katherine’s recipes in her book. Bree changed one little ingredient in each – like flat leaf rather than curly leaf parsley, and thought Katherine wouldn’t notice. Yeah, but she did.

Lynette gets some serious payback when she gives in to Tom’s plan to let the twins go to Homecoming in spite of their grounding – she gives them the keys to Tom’s convertible. Oh, Tom, don’t you know better than to cross your wife? The boys end up being over 30 minutes late, and Lynette gets to explain that she needs a backup, and their parenting style has not been working. The boys arrive home, grinding the gears on the Mustang, and Tom rips them. He steps up big time, and the boys know he means business.

Speaking of payback, Katherine gets some too, when she calls Bree on making sugar netting for some crazy cake. Bree claims in the cookbook that she can do it, but Katherine knows better – she flicks some hot sugar on the reporter who is interviewing them. Then the spun sugar sticks to Bree, and she knocks part of the cake down. Katherine steps in and shows the camera how it should be done. Yup, you know what they say about paybacks.

Carlos and Gaby have another tiff over Juanita’s weight, and it comes out that Gaby is really feeling badly because after two kids and five years she isn’t quite as pretty as she used to be – and she’s glad Carlos can’t see her.

At Edie’s Welcome Back party, Orson is singing Jim Morrison, Mrs. McCluskey jabs at Edie, and Susan’s boy toy is there. Edie and the ladies have it out – Edie accepts their apology, and they tell her they forgive her – except signals are a little crossed. Susan’s boy toy does some karaoke, and in her embarrassment, she hits the breaker to cut the lights. She tells the guy – Jackson – that there was a bad accident, and she feels really guilty, and if I didn’t know better, I’d think Mike was dead. Edie and her husband have a chat about their return, and I think more than ever that he is nutso.

The end of the show clues us in on Bree’s son – no not Andrew, the one that is really Danielle’s. Wow, I forgot about him… Anyway, Danielle took him back, and for the first time, we find out that she and Orson are back together. I wonder how they explained that to everyone?

Mike! It’s Mike. He’s not dead, and he can walk, and what the freak could have broken them up? Susan’s guilt ends up being over the woman and her daughter dying. He can’t stand her whining, and she can’t get over the guilt, so they split. They are friendly, but not a couple for sure. Susan tells Mike that she’s seeing someone – I think she said the wrong word – she meant screwing. Momentarily, there is pain evident in Mike’s eyes, but Susan still can’t believe he left.

The questions each woman is facing wraps up the show, and Mr. Williams gets a call that makes him seem even more shady. He was released, from something, and he’s got to check in with some doctor every month. He’s on meds, and he see a video of him with rage issues. Sounds like a good man for Edie. He’s got it in for someone – and that someone lives on Wisteria Lane.