TV Recap: Gossip Girl - Gone With The Will

“You’re a disappointment of a son; I’d die of embarrassment if I wasn’t already; why do you wear so much purple?”

All good questions, not to mention hilarious. This week brings us the reading of Bart Bass’ will, and surprise surprise, he leaves Bass Industries to Chuck. Also a huuuuge surprise, Chuck manages to screw it all up.

To be fair, Chuck wasn’t without help in this endeavor. His shady uncle Jack tempted him with drugs and prostitutes, which along with velvet dinner jackets mark Chuck’s biggest vices. How could he possibly abstain? He didn’t have a chance.

Further compounding his problem is the fact that Blair, for some reason, is easily taken in by the nefarious uncle Jack. Now, I understand that being the under-aged girl in question may cloud your judgment on this matter, but still. You never trust a guy who does it to under-aged girls! That should pretty much be a no-brainer.

Blair forgot this little rule, and thus allowed herself to be suckered into Jack’s scheme, which involved the most awkward brunch ever, in which the board of Bass Industries walked in on Chuck doing drugs with what appears to be child prostitutes in very expensive underwear.

Now, this would be a pretty embarrassing first impression in general, but that’s not the half of it. According to a little piece of fine print that Chuck failed to read, his takeover of Bass Industries is bound by a morality clause. If he acts inappropriately, the board has the option to replace him with his legal guardian, Jack. The board decided to exercise this option pretty much immediately, to no one’s surprise.

When the whole brunch fiasco went down, Chuck lashed out at Blair for planning it in the first place and trying to act like his wife. After he realizes he’s probably losing everything, he tries to apologize to Blair, but she’s not having any of it. She tells him that he’s the only one who didn’t believe in himself.

After Blair throws his flowers back in his face, he goes home and rips off his tie… and it turns out he was wearing his dad’s tie the entire time. It was a very sweet and sad scene. I’m looking forward to seeing what sad Chuck does next.

“What now, people? It’s not like I brought a tuna fish sandwich.”

This episode was basically broken up into Chuck and Blair… and everyone else. Everyone else is dealing with Rufus and Lily’s illegitimate son. Dan is the only one who knows that that’s the real reason Rufus and Lily are in Boston. Since they won’t let him tell Serena this, he spends most of the episode trying to avoid her. Of course, this attracts the attention of the Mean Girls, who set out to try and figure out why Lonely Boy is being so evasive.

At first they naturally think that he’s cheating on her, and set out to find proof. Of course, digging through his locker yields nothing besides a tuna fish sandwich, so they have to get creative. Nelly Yuki runs into Dan and Vanessa at Dylan’s Candy Bar and commits a little larceny by stealing Dan’s phone. She later intercepts an awkward text message from Vanessa that very clearly spells out Dan’s secret. This immediately ends up on Gossip Girl, where everyone sees it at the most awkward brunch ever.

Everyone makes a big hairy to-do about the fact that Dan and Serena share a sibling. The Gossip Girl post even says, “at least Romeo and Juliet didn’t share DNA.” Well, neither do Dan and Serena. Yeah, this is a weird thing to have happen, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s much ado about nothing. They weren’t related yesterday, and they’re not related today. End of story.

Jenny and Eric got a lot of fun screen time together this week, and it was nice because Eric called Jenny out for being completely annoying all the time, which she is. This time it was because she doesn’t have any friends, so she kept on interjecting herself into Eric’s time with his boyfriend. It was kind of cute, because once they found out they share a sibling, they decided to let it make them closer.

Eventually Dan and Serena got over their weirdness, so when Rufus and Lily returned from Boston, they walked right into a family portrait, with all of their children sitting around the kitchen counter eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Of course, Serena was sitting on Dan’s lap, but still. It was practically a Norman Rockwell painting.

Rufus and Lily presumably have to tell the kids that their long-lost brother is dead, since that’s what his adopted father told them when he agreed to meet with them. Of course, now it looks as though it was all a lie and the long-lost Humphrey son is still out there somewhere. How will they find him when they think he’s dead? Dun dun DUN!