Bill Burr has taken up the mantle of bygone truth-telling comedians like George Carlin, Bill Hicks, and Lenny Bruce. He's far from politically correct, which often gets in trouble, but that is something his fans love. His stand-up acts are wildly popular as his Monday Morning Podcast, which he's hosted for almost two decades now. It would be impossible to list all his greatest lines, but here are 32 I can't get enough of.
“My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn’t be funny, but to observe it, it’s hilarious.”
"Observational humor" is a popular term when describing standup acts, but it is a lazy term, unless you get at what it's really about. Burr is cutting and sometimes mean, but we all are sometimes.
"There's something about going to a dude ranch that makes you feel like a man, even though you're basically just riding a horse."
Going to a dude ranch doesn't make you a rancher, but it does feel "manly" to pretend like you're living on the Oregon Trail without the threat of dead oxen and dysentery.
"Any job you can do in your pajamas is not a difficult job."
Speaking as someone who could work in my pajamas (I don't), I disagree with the premise of the joke. I also appreciate it because thankfully my job doesn't involved a lot of physical stress, so in that sense, it's easier.
"Who would run for a job where it costs 100 million to get it so you can make 400 grand a year? That isn’t a red flag to anybody?"
Burr isn't afraid to delve into politics, though he's usually pretty disgusted by all of it, rather than partisan one way or the other. Running for President does sound like a thing only fools would reach for.
“I still remember the first gig where I got people going, it was Rascals in New Jersey, and the place was packed. I was scared. People were expecting me to be funny. I gotta be honest, every time I walk into a club, it’s that same fear.”
Bill Burr is proud of his career as a stand up comic, and seems completely satisfied by it. It also seems to genuinely terrify him sometimes.
“I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their window, am I right?”
If you're from a big city and you've ever been to Montana (I have), you know it's both incredibly beautiful and at the same time, a little scary and desolate. Burr hits the nail on the head here.
“Let’s go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you’re thinking.”
I agree with Burr 100% here. Brunch is the most overrated thing in dining. I love breakfast, and I love lunch, but brunch? No way, never. It's really just an excuse to day drink, but there are cheaper and better ways to that, even.
"I love how we'll eat a pizza that can clog four arteries in one slice, but we're concerned about sodium."
It's important to worry about sodium, or anything else that if you consume too much is bad for you. You can't worry about one thing at the expense of all the others though. This is just common sense, something Burr has a lot.
"I'm not saying women are smarter than men, but I am saying that men are dumber than women."
That's right, the women are smarter. Or at least, they aren't as dumb as men. Everyone's a little stupid, right? Burr thinks so. Even he is sometimes. Not here though.
“I love making movies, and being in any that I can be in. I’d like to be in those giant movies, as the fifth or sixth lead, and have three or four killer scenes. You don’t have the responsibility of the entire movie being on you. I like those roles. I’m shooting for the middle.”
C students united! Shooting for the middle isn't something we all admit to striving to do, but it's where many of us feel the most comfortable. Like the Mandalorian actor, I don't need to be an overachiever, just let me be something good but without too much pressure. It's better for my health (and his, apparently). He's happy being a character actor.
"Marriage is just finding that one person who annoys you the least."
I don't actually find "take my wife, please" kind of jokes all that funny, but Burr does land this one pretty well. Let's be honest, wife, friend, family member... they all will annoy you at some point. A good partner is the one that does it the least.
"You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober.”
I'm not endorsing a reckless life that involves too much drinking, but it does make things more fun, which in turn makes them go by too fast. I think a lot of people will look back on the Covid lockdowns and agree here.
“Carnegie Hall is as good as they say it is. It’s not like Stonehenge which looks great in books but then you go there and it’s a pile of rocks next to a highway. There’s actually a highway right next to it, but you don’t see that in pictures.”
Taking shots at rock formations thousands of years old is easy. But Bill Burr is not wrong here. Stonehenge is kind of a letdown in person.
“A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they’re really small.”
Has anyone ever said anything more true? While it's true there are things that are more serious, so many anxieties and fears are not much different when we're 36 than they were when we were six. Face them, you'll be better for it, like Bill says.
“I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today...”
Once again, it's Bill Burr saying the quiet part out loud, which is why he's so popular. We've all had urges like this. We don't actually elbow elderly people, but that doesn't mean we don't want to sometimes.
“I’m not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage.”
The stand-up stage is the last refuge of the depressed comic. Burr's not alone here, he just rachets it up. And is honest about himself.
“I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.”
In college I worked in a warehouse and I can't tell you how much this joke resonates with me. It should resonate with anyone with a terrible boss. We can't all be like Peter in Office Space, but we can take some action.
"The best way to teach your kids how to save money is to keep all your financial struggles completely hidden from them."
Amen. We all might pretend we don't have struggles sometimes, especially with our kids. And we need them to teach them the same thing! Keep it all inside! Right? RIGHT?
"Nothing screams 'I have a drinking problem' like boarding a plane with your own beer coozy."
Technically you're not allowed to bring your own drinks on a plane, but there is no rule that says you can't bring a coozy! It's easiest to order multiple beers at once, this'll help keep them cold.
“Realize that sleeping on a futon when you’re 30 is not the worst thing. You know what’s worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you’re not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You’ll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There’s no risk when you go after a dream. There’s a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.”
Some would argue it's better to have loved and lost than to have never of loved at all. Bill Burr disagrees. Sometimes not taking risks is the smarter move.
“I heard a quote once in a documentary about a band that said you’re better off owning everything 100 percent and selling 20,000 copies of an album than signing with a record company and selling a million copies. There has never been a truer statement about show business than that.”
There is always a real truth under what Bill Burr says and while this isn't really a joke, it is a bemusing way of looking at how people are taken advantage of in Hollywood and everywhere else. If you can make it on your own, that's always the best way.
"Taking care of a baby is the ultimate slap in the face to somebody who used to think they were cool."
Yep, all the dads out there know it. Once you're a dad, you're no longer cool. Is that worth it? To most, sure, but don't be delusional, you're not cool anymore.
“I think I know how to raise a kid. You just play catch with ’em. You just talk about life, and you distract them by throwing the ball. They don’t even notice that you’re filling up their heads with your theories.”
Parents have a lot of power, both for good and bad, This is a classic Burr misdirection, make it sound wholesome, then turn that on its head and make it just a little dark.
“Haven’t you noticed that every time the government screws up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?”
This is one of Bill Burr's most famous jokes, and I'm not even sure I get it, but somehow it's always stuck with me. I guess it's funny?
"What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?”
Judging by his receding hairline, Burr is practicing what he preaches here. It's better to age gracefully than fight it with fillers and lifts. It's easier said than done, especially for men, but it is good advice.
“Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I’m yelling?”
You can say a lot about the comedian, but you can't say he isn't self-aware. He's angry and he knows it.
"There's nothing more freeing than being able to speak your mind and not care what anyone thinks of you. Unless you're married."
Let's be honest, it's not like Burr has held back when it comes to speaking his mind, ever. I don't think marriage matters, at least for him. It may matter to the rest of us.
“I wish they would teach it in schools: Give people the belief that they are going to do well. A lot of people are really talented and scared to follow their talent because you don’t know where it’s going.”
Bill Burr doesn't have to be telling jokes to impart some real wisdom. Like here. It's not meant to be funny, but is meant to be true.
"I don't think I'm cursed with a weak jawline. I think I have a very strong jawline that just happens to be attached to a very weak brain."
This is more self-effacing humor, but make no mistake, he's not weak-brained. Weak jawline? Sure, but not a weak mind.
"You know, I can't even imagine waking up and not having coffee. I'd kill everybody."
Anyone with a serious addiction to coffee will understand this one and empathize. I know I do.
"I'm like that loud guy in the bar, who kind of makes sense for about ten minutes, and then you realise he flunked everything at high school so you just laugh at him."
We're laughing with you, Bill. If anyone is asking.
"I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic hatreds."
I identify with this so much. I probably don't have as many psychotic hatreds as Bill Burr, when I do get annoyed with something, I really get irrationally annoyed. "Pet peeve" just isn't enough.
Bill Burr's humor is not for everyone and some of it isn't even for me, but when he nails a joke, or a truth bomb, he really nails it.
