32 Hilarious Patton Oswalt Quotes From His Stand-Up Acts

Some know him as Spence from The King of Queens, some know him as Remy from the 2007 Pixar movie classic, Ratatouille, and some might even know him as the one actor with the most MCU roles (five, including all four The Koenig Brothers and Pip the Troll). However, to his biggest fans, he is just Patton Oswalt — a talented comedian who has been sharing his personal ups and downs and philosophies on stage for years. We celebrate his long and fruitful career by highlighting some of the funniest quotes from his greatest stand-up bits.

"I Just Paid For One Year Of My Daughter's College, I Did Not Tell A Single Joke, And I've Never Made An Audience Happier"

In Oswalt's 2014 special, Tragedy Plus Comedy Equals Time, he recalls a time he was paid "a sacrilegious amount of money" to perform at a casino, but the audience was so deeply under the influence and so rowdy, he never got a chance to do his act. Instead, he merely stood on stage for half an hour as the crowd screamed the titles of movies and TV shows that they recognized the comedian from.

"That's Right, Our Songs Will Match The Sound Of The Scream Trapped In Your Throat, Dad!"

In 2019's I Love Everything, which is one of the best stand-up specials on Netflix, Oswalt recalls working for a wedding DJ company that still used cassettes long after CDs became commonplace. He compares the horribly muffled music to the sound that the fathers of knocked-up brides likely wanted to make during their dance at the reception.

"Aging Isn’t Bad If You Don’t Take It Personally… Pretend You’re Jeff Goldblum In The Fly..."

In 2022's We All Scream, Oswalt compares getting older to the metamorphosis that Jeff Goldblum's character undergoes in David Cronenberg's 1986 horror movie classic, The Fly. In fact, he recommends treating the situation the way he did when he started becoming a human-insect hybrid by taking notes on any amusing changes.

"'My Skeleton Is Going To Come Out Of My Body!'"

Oswalt recalls when a scene from the 2010 werewolf movie The Wolfman came on TV with his toddler-age daughter in the room and, in order to prevent bad dreams, he turned on the "Them Bones" song from Schoolhouse Rock. Quoting his daughter's cries as she later ran into his bedroom, he demonstrates how the plan backfired and the educational tune about the skeletal system turned out to be her nightmare fuel.

"I Want To Apologize To Anybody That I Ever Made Fun Of For Wearing Sweatpants In Public"

In his 2011 Showtime original special, Finest Hour, Oswalt admits he was wrong to criticize anyone who treated sweatpants as an outdoor wardrobe. In fact, he considers them a miracle and the pinnacle of human accomplishment.

"You Pass The Age Of 50 And Then, Suddenly, Everything's Fatal"

When explaining how he broke his foot by slipping off a curb at 2022's Netflix is a Joke Festival, Oswalt goes into a spiel about how injuries come more easily for him at his age. It leads into a story about how his friend, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia star Glenn Howerton, broke his collarbone snowboarding, which left the comedian green with envy over how much cooler his injury story was.

"Every Animal In The Circus Openly Doesn't Wants To Be There Or Wants To Murder You"

Oswalt has a bit in which he imagines what it would be like to pitch the idea for the circus in modern times and it sounds just as creepy as he suggests. A giant tent on the outskirts of your town filled with captive wildlife and men in bright clothing and white makeup does not sound like ideal family fun when you really think about it.

"We Were Not Love Wizards, We Were Divorce Necromancers"

In I Love Everything, he talks about how, when he worked as a wedding DJ, his boss referred to them as "love wizards," claiming what they do would ensure long lives of happiness. In truth, none of the couples they worked for lasted very long. 

"It's Like I Am Legend But You Can Get A Sandwich"

This is Patton's way of describing his experience in Los Angeles at Christmastime, during which most of the city seems to leave, which is exactly how he prefers it. This is also how he sets up a story of when he and his brother went to see one of the best movies of the '90s, Jerry Maguire on Christmas Eve, and his brother responded to Tom Cruise's line about living in a cynical world with a hilariously cynical expletive.

"I'm So Afraid That Some Kid's Going To Come To The Door As Remy And, Just Out Of Enthusiasm, I'm Gonna Go, 'You're Inside Of Me Right Now'"

This is Oswalt's way of explaining why his role Ratatouille has ruined Halloween for him forever.

"Hiking Is For Trudging Defeatedly"

In a bit from I Love Everything, Oswalt describes how his philosophy on nature walks differs greatly from hikers of a younger demographic who seem to take the activity as a more extreme form of fitness.

"My Daughter Has Made My Depression Way More Creative"

In a bit from Tragedy Plus Comedy Equals Time, Oswalt describes fatherhood as a great ally in his battle with depression, which would force his condition to be more inventive in its attacks. As an example, he describes finding a delicious-looking Lean Cuisine item that he tosses out in favor of a less appetizing meal that requires fewer steps to prepare.

"It Looked Like Danny DeVito In A Rat Costume"

Have you ever seen a rodent so large that you assumed it had to be a celebrity of modest size only dressed as the animal? Oswalt claims he has when he recalls the time he saw the biggest rat he had ever seen running along the wires between the utility poles outside his house. He specifically name-drops Batman Returns' Penguin actor Danny DeVito as the actor who could have been dressed as this rat.

"Is Cursive Writing Magic?"

Obviously, Oswalt does not believe that the act of writing cursive has some supernatural effect. However, it sure seems like it does when you consider how fancily printing your own name is treated as some write of passage before you can claim to own your own house, car, etc.

"I Have A Theory About Jesus..."

In I Love Everything, Oswalt posits that the Son of a Man is really a composite of people who existed during that time and performed the many astonishing acts the Bible claims. The theory comes from his own habit of crediting memorable stories from his younger years to one person named Craig.

"You Take Ambien, Go In The Vestibule, All The Doors Open Up"

Oswalt presents his own amusing metaphor about where dreams come, which involves our asleep selves being transported to a vestibule with dozens of doors, each of which contains a theater troupe that specializes in a different kind of subconscious experience. The theory is a lead-in for his explanation of what it is like to take the insomnia treatment medication, Ambien.

"It Looks Like They Took The Head And Legs Off Of A Jack Russell Terrier And Then Found A Beaver Carcass And Filled It Waffle Batter And Ball Bearings..."

This is how Oswalt begins to describe his parents' dog in Netflix's Talking for Clapping. He goes on to mention the way he struggles to drag himself around the house and is quick to attack just about anything before recoiling in fright as he realizes his parents brought him up the same way. 

"Denny's Is Where You End Up After A Series Of Bad Decisions And Catastrophic Twists Of Fate"

When Oswalt's daughter announces "America's Diner" as the place where she wants to go for a daddy-daughter day, he suggests that they "pop in" for a meal and leave to play basketball. However, he points out that Denny's is never the place you stop at on the way somewhere, but is the destination after a rocky journey.

"... Make Sure All Your Family Members Are Healthy Before You Decide To Go, 'I'm Gonna Make The Ringtone A Fart'"

After telling a story about a repairman with a phone that quacks when someone calls it, Oswalt explains why he believes that comical alert sounds can only be appropriate for so long until they receive a call that is anything but funny.

"There's No Kirby"

In I Love Everything, Oswalt recalls hiring a talented but "sketchy" subcontractor to put up wallpaper in his house who would complain about issues with the process to Kirby, whom Oswalt assumed was the subcontractor's partner. The partner tells Oswalt his name is Daniel and that the subcontractor would continue to yell at his imaginary friend all day, but that the finished wallpaper would make it all worth it.

"How Does The Whiplash Feel Watching Reality [Wizzing] All Over Satire Every Day?"

While doing crowd work for his 2017 Netflix special, Annihilation, Oswalt strikes up a conversation with a writer for The Onion sitting in the front row. The comedian cannot help but ask him what it must be like for someone who writes satire to live in a world where politics is often stranger than fiction.

"'I Died For Your Sins, But Those Pumps Are Unforgivable'"

In Oswalt's bit about New Song's hit holiday tune, "Christmas Shoes," the comedian asserts that if the poor boy's mom does "meet Jesus tonight," it seems unlikely that He would be concerned about her style of footwear. He later ends his lyrical analysis by pointing out a flaw in the message of the song, which suggests God's plan to remind the narrator of the season's true meaning was making this poor boy's mother terminally ill so they could meet at the store.

"Here's The Note Verbatim. First Line: 'Stop'... Second Line: "Get Out Of Your Car"... Third Line: 'Walk To The Park Bench In Front Of You"... Last Line: 'I Love You'"

Patton recalls responding to a fight with his wife, Meredith Salenger, by leaving for a hike and, upon returning to his car, finds a note on his windshield that initially freaked him out. Luckily, the final line helped him realize it came from his wife but the first three lines served as "a long terrifying walk to 'I love you.'"

"At Best, Bruce Wayne Would Have Grown Up To Be Gotham City's Most Annoying Slam Poet"

In Annihilation, Oswalt questions the logistics of a person like Bruce Wayne becoming the costumed, highly skilled vigilante Batman. He imagines that, in the real world, he would have channeled the pain of losing his parents as a child into some hipster art form.

"Help Sugar Bat Get To His Insulin"

In I Love Everything, Oswalt talks about the sort of things he would find on the side of his cereal box, such as fun games like a maze in which you must guide the product's animal mascot to its life-saving prescription. All of that would change when he reached his middle-aged years and his breakfast became "deadly serious."

"Every Major Holiday, I Live In Fear That This Polish Woman Of Doom Is Gonna [Appear]"

Annihilation takes a more somber turn when Oswalt describes life since the passing of his first wife, Michelle McNamara, such as one Mother's Day when a Polish airport gate agent blindsided his daughter with her struggles to overcome the loss of her own mother. He then describes nightmare scenarios of running into this woman and hearing more tragic testimonies while taking his daughter trick-or-treating or visiting Santa at the mall.

"... People That Write The Obituaries Either Want To Be P.R. People Or They're Failed P.R. People"

In his Comedy Central Presents episode, Oswalt observes how obituary writers seem to add "spin" to how their subjects passed, like describing their succumbing to cancer as them giving into "a valiant battle" with the illness. He later adds how he fears someone will put in his obituary that he "loved to laugh," which would be no different than saying that the deceased "hungered for food so often in his life."

"The Only Reason To Visit Florida Is To Identify Your Daughter's Dead Body"

Oswalt spends a good chunk of Tragedy Plus Comedy Equals Time to rant about why he dislikes Florida. He even thinks the state flag should be an image of shocked parents meeting with a coroner with an enthusiastic flamingo wearing sunglasses in the bottom corner.

"Come On Down To Captain Covid's Alpha-Male Only Buffet!"

In a bit from his 2022 Netflix special, We All Scream, he observes how, even after a worldwide pandemic, things like cruise ships and buffets are as popular as ever. However, he posits that buffets could make a comeback as some sort of anti-liberal statement.

"'My Skin's Going To Hit Skin At One Velocity Or Another Tonight...'"

In Annihilation, he recalls the story of a fight he once witnessed which was started by a gentleman who, from his perspective, searched for romance and found none and decided to put his energy into physical violence instead.

"When Will People Learn That You Have To Make It Clear That You're Supposed To Pay To Get Into A Historic Landmark Like The Anne Frank House So That People Like Me Need Not Live In Fear?"

In his Comedy Central Presents episode, Oswalt reads an excerpt from the diary he kept while he hid in the Anne Frank House after mistakenly entering the museum without paying for it.

"At Barely-A-Clown Productions..."

In Talking For Clapping, Oswalt tells the story of a very unenthusiastic clown who literally walked out of the forest to appear at a child's birthday party an hour late. He jokes that he was hired from "Barely-A-Clown Productions" and imagines their mission statement as, "We find the most disaffected Silverlake hipster and give him or her $50 to put down the David Foster Wallace book and head at a leisurely pace towards your child's birthday and/or celebration."