I've Watched Every Episode Of Ghosts And Now Have Prepared A Detailed Plan For How To Hack Death

Thus far, Ghosts Season 5 has been terrific, from the house dealing with a mummy crisis during Halloween, Trevor getting the opportunity to be a father, and major revelations coming out about Alberta. My favorite moment thus far, however, was in the season premiere, “Soul Custody”: Knowing that he may be about to face his imminent death, Jay prepares for his potential future as a ghost… by grabbing a cookie and sticking it in his pocket. It’s a moment that has stuck in my mind in the weeks since, and it has made me wonder: how might one best prepare for death living in the universe of Ghosts?

Deciding to do something with the thought instead of just letting it run around my brain like a hamster on a wheel until the return of Ghosts in February 2026, I decided to make a list of all of the things I’d want to have with me on my person when I died to ensure the most comfortable, entertaining, and safest afterlife possible. Boiling it all down, I think I would good with these 13 essentials.

Utility Vest/Cargo Pants

Let’s start with the clothes I’ll want to die in – which admittedly is far more about function than fashion. Would I look like a dork for all eternity as a ghost wearing a utility vest and cargo pants? Undoubtedly. But having all of the pockets is vital in order to have the best afterlife possible, as I will have them all stuffed with particular items that will make post-life existence far better than what all of the undead characters on Ghosts endure.

Cookie

Obviously I have to copy the idea that inspired this list, as, in the words of Sasappis, the EternaCookie is genius. Any time is a good time for a cookie, it’s a desert that fits easily in a pocket, and it’s a food that is sharable with other ghosts (a.k.a it won’t have to be awkwardly shared through a wall like with Carol’s butterscotch candy)

Flask With A Swig Of Whisky

Much like I’m taking the EternaCookie idea from Jay, I’m also inspired by the special item possessed by Joan (as introduced in “His Girl Shiki") and putting a flask on my check list for a perfect Ghosts death. It only needs to have a swig of whisky in it given that the liquid goes right back in the bottle after being consumed (meaning it will weigh less and not be as big a burden to carry for eternity), and while it’s a bummer that ghosts can’t really get drunk, it seems that the sipping and taste is enough pleasure by itself for spirits (no pun intended).

Rope

It’s a bit dark, but this idea comes from “Holes Are Bad” and the rescue of Flower from the well. The cord that is revealed to be around Hetty’s neck from her death is an exceptionally useful tool to save everyone’s favorite Woodstone hippy, and it makes me think that I would definitely want some kind of rope on my person as a ghost in case of an emergency. It could be either a bundle clipped to a belt or, if comfortable enough to wear for eternity, wrapped around my waist.

Playing Cards

If a ghost has a deck of playing cards, can they host a game of poker? How about just blackjack? If giving cards to other ghosts isn’t an option, how about just playing solitaire? Will all of the cards immediately return to the deck after being dealt? I don’t have the answer to any of those questions from within the Ghosts canon, but in case the answer to any of them is “yes,” I would think having a deck of cards would be an amazing treasure to fight the boredom of eternity.

Yo-Yo

There are a lot of different games that can be played with a deck of cards… but if I’m stuck as a ghost for hundreds of years, I’m going to need some other kind of entertainment too. Enter the yo-yo. It’s not exactly the most advanced toy, but it’s very small and comfortable to keep on one’s person, and one can spend a good amount of time learning new tricks to kill time and show off to other ghosts.

Baseball Bat And Baseball

At first, I considered adding a boomerang to this list, but then I realized that ghost objects come back naturally anyway. Then I thought about a tennis racket and a tennis ball, but hitting a ball against a wall is out… which is what brought me to “baseball bat and baseball.” The bat would have to be slung across my back to avoid discomfort, but ghost physics essentially creates an infinite pitching machine: you toss the ball up, hit the ball, the ball goes far, zooms back, and you hit it again. Another great activity option!

Pen & Notebook

This is another entry that comes with a question mark, as I don’t know for sure that anything written down on ghost paper with a ghost pen would stay on the page (the ink might just suck right back up into the pen after you’re done writing). Still, it’s worth having the items on one’s person in case they do work. It’s not really spoken about on the show, but there’s a lot of pressure on individual memories among ghosts, and having a written record would be a game changer.

Tablet & Wired Headphones/Wired Speaker

When I first had the idea for keeping a tablet, the problem that sprung to mind was, “Would the batteries hold a permanent charge?” But then I remembered Season 4’s “Pinkus Returns,” which introduces a ghost with a Walkman that can forever play Prince’s Purple Rain on cassette – which is a device that requires batteries. The tablet would have to be pre-loaded with downloaded movies, TV, books and music, as you can’t rely on Wi-Fi access, and I’d want both wired headphones and speakers (again, no guarantees re: Bluetooth) so that I could both use the device privately and share.

Flashlight

With the battery question answered, a flashlight is my next “must.” In addition to the fact that light is psychologically helpful if in dark environments, it can also be a great safety tool. If I were to get stuck someplace where I can’t be heard so matter how loud I scream and yell, waving a flashlight around could be a way to get attention and help.

Voice Amplifier

But what if I can’t be seen, but I can be heard? That’s where the voice amplifier comes in handy. In addition to being useful as a safety device (again, I’ll mention Flower being trapped in the well), it would also be useful for expanding communication across ghost boundaries. If Thor had a voice amplifier, he wouldn’t need to use the Screaming Window to communicate with his son; he could do so from any place on the Woodstone property.

Whistle

This is a bit of a backup situation and another safety device in case of emergency. If the voice amplifier fails for some reason, a whistle is an ideal tool, as it can be heard from far distances and isn’t so complex that it might be disrupted by any unknown ghost rules. Plus, it’s also a great device to use if one needs to cut through a whole lot of group bickering, of which there is quite a lot on Ghosts.

Vial Of Cocaine

This one is for Hetty… though I will admit, not entirely. In addition to the potential of getting on the good side of any Victorian Era ghosts who I may encounter in the afterlife, it might just be fun to have. I don’t do hard drugs in real life, and one of the main reasons is the health consequences. If I’m dead, that reason dies with me. As with the flask, the effects probably wouldn’t last very long (based on Season 4’s “I Know What You Did Thirty-Seven Summers Ago,” there’s a much better high to be had via a hotboxed car), but it would still be a nice diversion to have on hand.

Beyond the EternaCookie, will living characters on Ghosts eventually figure out that they can take extreme advantage of the awesome knowledge they possess about the afterlife? We’ll have to wait and see.