Spoiler warning for anyone who hasn’t yet watched the latest episode of Yellowstone!
With the fifth episode of Season 4, Yellowstone reached its halfway point with the pretty big reveal that Jamie’s baby-mama Christina has finally returned after being absent since the penultimate episode of Season 2. That should set off all kinds of ramifications when it comes to Jamie attempting to point fingers at guilty culprits for the attacks on the other Dutton family members. But as much as I’d love to just scream “What?!?” at my TV for the rest of this article, that’s not what we’re here to talk about right now, and I’m not sure how well that would translate anyway.
Instead, we’re taking our weekly journey to tally up all the best lines from Yellowstone’s latest installment, and I’d be lying if I said the episode didn’t suffer for its lack of Jacki Weaver’s Caroline Warner and Taylor Sheridan's universe-expanding Travis Wheatley. But we still somehow ended up with more entries this week than last week, so I guess it's not all bad. Now let’s begin this gleeful trek with some father-daughter cringe.
1. “Coulda done without the anatomy lesson, but it’s okay. I’ll work that shit out in therapy.”
Just as I was shaking off the shivers from seeing the various wounds and scars marking John's body, Beth was having some awkward shivers of her own as Kevin Costner's unaware patriarch clothed himself after a hot shower. I mean, she probably could have made her presence known before that exact moment, but then it's not like she was hiding behind that bottle of Glen or anything.
2. “I’m five away from sleep.”
Stop me if you've heard this one before, but we're starting off with a short run of killer Beth lines, just as the episode did. And while the character technically could have been referring to minutes or pages when talking about needing five more before sleep, we all know she was talking about glasses of scotch. That's our Bethy-poo! (Don't tell her I called her that, though.)
3. “Only the good die young. If a meteor strikes Earth tonight, it is me and the cockroaches running this motherfucker tomorrow.”
While one part of me realistically knows that a meteor strike would 100% destroy Beth's body along with everything else in her vacinity. However, after seeing her emerge from explosive wreckage already in Season 4, there's another part of me would bet any amount of money on Beth's survival in the aftermath of any natural or manmade disasters.
4. “Make a sammich out of it!”
I dare say that Barry Corbin's 6666 rancher Ross is one of the wisest Yellowstone characters that we've been introduced to yet, which is largely based on his spot-on assessment of Jimmy lacking in the cowboy department. And his advice to not sleep on the ground with creepy-crawlies. And of course the quote above, which he uttered when Jimmy asked for a fork to eat his breakfast with. So I guess you could say that Ross gave zero forks about Jimmy wishes, eh? (Fun fact: Corbin co-starred on Netflix's The Ranch opposite Sam Elliott, who is starring in the 1883 prequel.)
5. "If I was you, I think I'd find a way to get ugly."
Carter didn't understand John's strangely sage advice in the moment, but one day he'll likely reflect on the fact that it was his killer curls and cutesy face that caused Beth to show him sympathy in the first place, ostensibly leading to that very moment of him not understanding John's meaning. As well as leading to his tenure of being a shit-shoveler with the best of them.
6. “Who he is to us, sir, is the reason why he’s still walking.”
I kinda wish Lloyd would have been right there in Rip's face when Cole Hauser's toughman uttered those words. One, because they were as unfortunately sincerely as anything else Rip could have told John in that moment. And two, so that Lloyd would know exactly where he stood from that point forward, lest he fuck things up worse down the line. (Which, because this is Yellowstone, will almost definitely happen.)
7. “I’m the retired big boss. You can see how that’s working out for me.”
Despite all of the antagonism on display at the protest, there was a connection to be witnessed between John and Summer from the opening seconds of their first exchange. Prior to the attacks, the ranch owner might have come at this situation with more put-upon angst, but this here bullet-ridden John takes a less stressful approach to life. Not that anyone can truly retire from that life without a ride to the train station.
8. “What the hell kinda ropin’ are you gonna do in outer space? It’s called gravity.”
I hope that one day, Paramount Network and Taylor Sheridan release a supercut of all of footage (both aired and unused) of the bunkhouse posse playing cards, drinking beer, watching rodeos, and/or talking mad shit to each other. Denim Richards' Colby is going to be part of the best exchanges 99% of the time, but here it's his boast that he could out-rope Ian Bohen's Ryan on any planet, or even in outer space, that inspired Jake Ream's hilariously infantile observation. Power to Teeter for calling those dummies out over the nonsense.
9. “Dunno why people call it morning. 4 a.m. is nighttime, any way you slice it.”
This may not be the most mature or erudite declaration, but it's certainly the most relatable thing that Finn Little's Carter has said thus far. If it's dark outside, and I can fall asleep at that time, then it's still night.
10. "Nothing but coffee and cigarettes 'til noon, and then I can eat what the fuck I want until I start drinking at six."
This particular form of intermittent dieting is probably an easy way to get someone on a fast track to health problems and medical attention, especially if the actual meals consist of fried food and ice cream. But if there's anyone alive who could probably will away cancer and cirrhosis just by browbeating, it's probably Beth Dutton. Science should find a way to turn her into a cure.
11. “Surely you can appreciate that virtually every fiber of my being is screaming at me not to get in a pick-up with a charming white male in his 50s who I don’t know from fucking Adam.”
For all that Summer had a point, and for all that John seemed wildly off-base with his request, it's hard to argue against anyone who is chill as shit like Kevin Costner. If he was the villain in a fairy tale, it's over. "Fuck yeah, I'll come up in this house made out of candy, charming white warlock in his 50s who I don't know from Adam."
12. “It’s the largest ranch in Montana. We can accommodate Denmark.”
Mark this down as the first time Yellowstone caused me to refer to an online atlas to check specific sizes of landmasses. While the country of Denmark and its population can absolutely fit inside the state of Montana, it's hard to know about the ranch itself, since most of what we know about its size is from hearsay boasts like this.
13. “You’re fired, too, ya nosy bitch.”
Few Yellowstone characters ever reach a feeling of what's known "pure motherfucking elation," at least in what Paramount Network is allowed to show viewers. However, Beth reached that unholy pinnacle in Episode 405 when, after having been on the road for seven cigarettes-and-coffee-fueled hours, she was able to give an in-person Fuck You, Buddy to her former boss Bob Schwartz inside his now-former office. Guns: blazing. Names: taken.
14. Everything Said By Buster Welch
Casual viewers might not have realized it up until the moment it was pointed out to Jimmy, but Yellowstone featured a world renowned horse trainer and rider in "Under a Blanket of Red" whose real-life history includes working on the 6666 ranch. A Hall of Famer in just about every organization that honors such talents, Buster Welch is still kicking at 93 years old, and could no doubt fill an episode with mindblowing stories from his many years of winning world championships. It might need some subtitle help for all of his wisdom to fully come across, but still.
15. “I hope the good Lord gave you a big dick, Jimmy. Because He sure shorted you on brains.”
In its final sequece, the episode went from world-class cowboy knowledge to lowbrow shit-talking, with Jimmy showing off his lack of horseman knowledge and his general lack of self-awareness all in the same breath. He was smart enough, if one can call it that, to not follow-up by supplying details about his manhood to the machismo-oozing gents riding alongside him. Taylor Sheridan's Travis is the kind of person who probably has some kind of alarm built into his truck that alerts him every time Jimmy says something stupid; and you just know he'd keep that thing muted, knowing how often it would go off.
With only half of Season 4's dialogue smorgasbords off the table, Yellowstone airs Sunday nights on Paramount Network at 8:00 p.m. ET. While waiting to see where things go next in this gorgeously lethal universe, check out everything that'll be heading to the small screen in the new year with our 2022 TV premiere schedule!
