10,000 B.C. - Review

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Rated: PG-13

Distributor: Warner Bros. Pictures

Release Date: 2008-03-07

Starring: Cliff Curtis, Camilla Belle, Steven Strait, Omar Sharif, Tim Barlow, Marco Khan, Reece Ritchie, Mo Zinal, Joe Vaz, Joel Virgel

Directed by Roland Emmerich

Produced by Roland Emmerich, Mark Gordon, Michael Wimer

Written by Roland Emmerich, Harald Kloser

Visit the movie's Official Site!

Reviewed by Josh Tyler : 2008-03-08 11:28:45

When he’s not making big-budget, empty-headed blockbusters I have no idea where Roland Emmerich’s movie watching tastes lay. But I can think of at least five movies which I know he’s seen, since his new movie 10,000 B.C. takes them, grinds them up into a paste, and spreads them liberally across the screen. Emmerich’s script is a rehash of Apocalypto, with a dash of The Ten Commandments and 300 thrown in. His production design borrows liberally from Lord of the Rings, and his villains were lifted straight out of Stargate and plopped down in the middle of a brand new desert. All five of those movies are good on their own, but when they’re ripped off by Emmerich in one sprawling epic; the result is a tedious bore in which grubby people stand around muttering in a variety of badly chosen accents.

It starts with a primitive mountain village where generation after generation has subsisted by hunting the great mammock. The great mammock looks a lot like a wooly mammoth, I guess 10,000 years ago they hadn’t invented the “th” sound yet. Luckily, they have invented the rest of the English language and so our caveman characters speak in lovely, strangely accented American. There’s a lot of prophecy mumbo jumbo at the outset, which feels as if it drags on for at least the length of the Mesozoic age, until finally we get to the story. Strange men on horses kidnap half the village and run off with them. The three remaining hunters set off on foot to save their kidnapped friends, and along the way encounter mud and vicious proto-Egyptians.

D’Leh (Steven Strait) is our hero, a glassy-eyed primitive from a race of people with an affinity for not bathing and wearing bad Rasta-wigs. I saw no sign of the herb, but if they were smoking it, that might help explain the movie’s downright lethargic, disinterested pace. D’Leh drifts across the countryside in pursuit of his girlfriend and his people, and whenever there’s a problem the movie invents another random prophecy spouted by an aged oracle to solve whatever corner the plot has managed to paint itself into. At one point they quite literally dig a wise man up out of the ground to give the movie its next, much needed MacGuffin.

I will say one thing for 10,000 B.C.: the special effects aren’t as bad as they look in the trailer. Or maybe I simply didn’t notice them, since almost all of the movie’s big special effects are actually in the trailer. If you’ve watched any advertisements for the film, you’ve already seen nearly all of the excitement it has in its bag of tricks. Between the ten seconds of running mammoths and growling saber-toothed tigers 10,000 B.C. has nothing to offer but a lot of wandering around in the mud and guys thrusting spears into things off camera. Well maybe that’s not quite fair. There is a scene in the middle where everyone plays Honey I Shrunk the Kid as they run around in the midst of oversized blades of grass being eaten by giant, squawking turkey vultures. But other than that it’s a lot of half naked, grungy Rastafarian primitives standing around holding spears and trying to figure out which prophesy to follow next. Here’s a prophecy for you: You’ll hate this movie. See something else.

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victoria
July 29, 2008 at 01:48

i disagree with this review. i was hesitant before watching this movie but i loved it. it takes quite a bit of time for the story to get to the point i must agree but once it did there was alot of heart stopping action. many superstisions and prophecies do take place in this movie but that is what some tribes based their lives on. this movie gave me a new perspective on times where mamoths and sabor tooths roamed the earth. and yes even cavemen can fall in love. Give the movie a chance and i promise you will not regret it.

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Chuck
March 29, 2008 at 20:01

10KBC's the worst POS since "Yor: Hunter from the Future!" Along with all the other movies he burgled, there's an awful lot of "Fast Runner," the Inuit epic, even the father who ran off, the son who must live with the missing father's rep, the girl from another tribe that he must rescue, the old woman seer that lives/sees his trials, the spear, and on & on... And what about all the stuff lifted from "Mad Max" 1, 2, & 3? And why would a kid who grew up in the snow say he's thirsty and ask for water when he's trudging through SNOW? It doesn't even work as a fable. Maybe the "star that doesn't move" is the geosynchronously orbiting starship of the alien "almighty" overlord ("that came from the stars")- and why do aliens always need pyramids? Rent "Fast Runner" instead. Enjoy...

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Hyver
March 15, 2008 at 17:12

Hi,

I totally disagree with you. I was quite disapointed when I saw that it WASN'T an historical movie, but, well...it was not bad !

Special effects are great, the story is good (even if it his too 'love story-ish') and made me think about samish old stories.

I think people should see this movie as a FICTION. Yes, they use mamouth to build a pyramide, yes, there is a pyramid, yes, they have wigs...AND?!

Whats the problem with it?! as long as the movie isn't known as historical !

PS: i saw it in french, it was...disgusting !!

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JSHAR
March 14, 2008 at 13:15

Good review, except on one point: Emmerich directed Stargate, so you I can't blame him for lifting from that one, although it was a far better film.

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yyry
March 13, 2008 at 15:51

Dude, this review rocks ! Your way of describing a movie is simply fantastic and superfunny ! I'm gonna believe you when you say this movie sucks, but i'm going to watch it anyway just 'cause i wanna laugh my ass off in the cinema ! LOLZ

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ric
March 8, 2008 at 11:24

spent 16.00 on a turkey, money that could have been used to buy a real turkey. wooley mammoths and man eating turkeys were the best part of the show. first time i found myself rooting for the animals to win. very tedious very boring. thankfully, no 10,000 bc II

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Simone
March 8, 2008 at 11:20

Thanks Josh for this review and saving me from watching it. I had that feeling about Apocalypto upon seeing the trailer for the first time.

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JoshT
March 7, 2008 at 00:28

Indeed, and now he wrote it again. Judging from how well it turned out the second time, I'd say his co-writer Dean Devlin was mostly responsible for its success the first time around.

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Dbov
March 7, 2008 at 00:26

I'm no Roland fan, but Josh, did you realize that Roland Emmerich WROTE Stargate?

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Primus
March 6, 2008 at 18:07

First!... and definitely 100% agree to this review.

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