It’s a little too early in the season for the staple road trip (season two’s nearly mountain-less ski trip was flawlessly positioned amidst the escalating tension between Stephen and Kristin and the burgeoning possibility of a Talan-Kristin hook-up), but the requisite de-emphasis of the trip’s actual purpose (in this case, Tessa’s modeling career) was certainly there. Tessa’s past in previous episodes seemed to link her only to passionate (about music, that is) Chase, but apparently her full past is peppered with a “sickness” (eating disorder, anyone?) and a brief relationship with Cameron. Cameron, whose slutty ways are bordering Jason-like (whom he vilified earlier this season!), “had fun” with Tessa in the hotel room and cuddled with Jessica on the beach upon returning.

Cameron’s pariah-of-a-friend Nick W. is definitely a dedicated and knowledgeable Laguna fan himself. He pulled the whole “what happens in San Diego, stays in San Diego” (which, um, only works with Cabo and when Kristin and/or LC says it) line, referenced the lofty Laguna bubble, and managed to say the most appropriately insightful and rehearsed comment about Tessa’s looks: “Tessa is so unique looking.”

The dinner part of the road trip was no doubt a hugely crass advertisement for Dick’s Last Resort. The waiter was way too excited about getting the scoop of the new season of Laguna before it came out to be believable and even had a private chat with Tessa about her love life that was creepy on many levels but did get her all pensive.

Back at Laguna, Alex H. triumphantly announced that Jessica is destined to be with Cameron (this with alternating shots of the Cameron-Tessa hotel hook-up, of course). Alex H., the pinnacle of highbrow bitch-talking accessories, consistently proves to be entertaining wallpaper in any Laguna season, with or without Kristin (though, preferably, with Kristin). Oh, and, yes Alex, huckleberries are real berries; they are not just from the title of the book that you, um, never read.

Memo to Laguna producers: it’s not okay to completely leave out Cami and her ruthless sidekick Kyndra (yes, Kyndra is Cami’s sidekick, biotches) from an entire episode. As if it’s not enough that Kristin decided not to sign on for the third season, in hopes of better opportunities. We can only hope we’ll be seeing more of disciple Alex H., the last lingering vestige of delicious Kristianity. The closest this season comes to backbiting omniscience is Rocky’s hair, which, Cami, I hate to break it to you, but isn’t Regina-George-big.

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