I Watched Brokeback Mountain For The First Time, And I'm Really Glad I Waited 20 Years. Here's Why

As strange as this might sound, I watched Brokeback Mountain for the first time. No, not the first time since what is considered one of the best 2000s movies came out back in 2005, but the first time ever. For a variety of reasons, namely being a 17-year-old when Ang Lee’s heartbreaking epic about unrequited love first came out, I didn’t see it back then, and I’ve put it off more times than I can count since.

With the 20th anniversary rerelease of Brokeback Mountain right around the corner (it opens for a limited run on Friday, June 20th), I decided to finally go back and watch the magnificent Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal movie. While I was initially a little ticked off at myself for waiting all these years, upon reflecting, I’m really glad I waited until I was a 37-year-old father of three opposed to being a foolish high school senior. Here’s why…

I Don't Think The Inner Turmoil Of Ennis And Jack's Relationship Would Have Hit As Hard

Above all, Brokeback Mountain is a movie about love, loss, heartbreak, and the enduring human spirit despite living in a world that won’t accept you for who you are. Being a teenager, who a) didn’t know nothing from nothing, and b) had never experienced true heartbreak, I think the inner turmoil of the core relationship wouldn’t have hit as hard. I honestly don’t think I would have fully understood everything these two cowboys with hard exteriors and tender hearts were going through over the course of the movie.

Honestly, watching Heath Ledger’s Ennis and Jake Gyllenhaal’s Jack attempt to hide their true nature from their wives, children, bosses, and society as a whole while putting up a facade of standard heterosexual roughnecks was heartbreaking. It was only on Brokeback Mountain that the two felt they could be themselves and be happy.

The Passage Of Time And Its Effect On Relationships Resonated So Much For A Man Approaching His 40s

At its core, art forces you to reflect on your past, your present, and what brought you here, and Brokeback Mountain did just that. Watching Ang Lee’s dramatic take on Annie Proulx’s transformative 1997 short story in the New Yorker, with its depiction of the passage of time and its effect on relationships, was nothing short of masterful. The agony and ecstasy of life and love are explored in great detail as Ennis and Jack go from two strangers on a sheep drive together to star-crossed lovers who just can’t quite make it work, while also not being able to quit each other either.

With my 40s quickly approaching (time seems much faster these days), this aspect of the movie resonated with me a whole lot, and it’s something I’ve been thinking about ever since the credits rolled. At the same time, this is something that I think would have been lost on me way back when. Again, having not gone through love, heartbreak, and rebirth at the time the film came out, I don’t think the messages and themes of this heartbreakingly poignant movie would have been lost on me.

I Also Found Myself Wrapped Up In The Drama Of Ennis And Jack's Families

Though the main focus of Brokeback Mountain is on the decades-long relationship between Ennis and Jack, I can’t sit here and claim that this was the only aspect of the movie. Everything about the two leads’ respective lives off the mountain was just as interesting, especially as the two separate worlds become entangled and increasingly more complicated, especially as the two main protagonists marry, have kids, and attempt to build lives for themselves away from Brokeback.

Though I’ve never had to go through an experience like Ennis and Jack, I found myself getting wrapped up in the ups and downs of their respective marriages and trials and tribulations through parenthood. Being married and having children of my own, I oftentimes find myself being torn between who I was and who I am now, and I can only imagine how difficult it had to be for two people who couldn’t admit to their families (or the world) that they weren’t with the one they loved. Heartbreaking, to say the least.

Brokeback Mountain Requires Patience, Empathy, And Restraint, All Of Which I Didn't Have Back Then

The thing about Brokeback Mountain is that it’s a long movie. Though not the longest movie I’ve ever seen, the pacing of the film makes it so that you need a great deal of patience while taking it all in. The same can be said about the story, as you need to be patient while Ennis and Jack’s relationship slowly blossoms into something so powerful. I don’t know how I would have been able to handle the slowness of the epic back then, but as a 37-year-old, it was absolutely stunning and created a slow and meditative experience.

The movie also requires a tremendous amount of empathy from its audience. If you aren’t able to put yourself in the shoes of the main characters, or even their families at times, this is a hard film to watch. It also takes a surprising amount of restraint at times, especially when it comes to Jack’s heartbreaking death, which is left ambiguous after recalling a story Ennis told earlier in the movie. Like patience, my empathy and restraint back in 2005 weren’t what they are today, though I still need to work on all three.

Also, I Don't Think I Could Have Handled Brokeback Mountain's Complexities As An Immature 17-Year-Old Boy In The South

I make no claims of being a perfect human being these days, but I am a much better person than I was at 17 years old, and I don’t think I’m alone. Here’s the thing: I don’t think I could have handled the complexities, the nuances, or even the emotions at the core of Brokeback Mountain way back when.

This isn’t to say that I wouldn’t have liked the movie, as I probably would have enjoyed it all the same. I just think that an immature teenage boy from the South wouldn’t have been as open to everything that unfolded. Times change, and so do people, and I honestly think waiting so long to watch this gem was the right choice. However, I’m still kicking myself for missing out on such a lovely story.

All in all, watching Brokeback Mountain was a profound, emotional, and delightful experience, and no, it's just because I can now enter the conversation about it getting snubbed at the Oscars.