I need more Mean Girls in my life. If you have taste, you probably feel the same way. The fetch 2004 comedy is endlessly quotable and surprisingly thoughtful. It’s also filled with an army of supporting characters with strange, unexplained backstories that cry out for more information.
A few years ago, ABC Family gave the world a bullshit sequel that brought back no one except Tim Meadows. Now, there’s a sister project in development called Mean Moms. I suppose I’ll see the latter if it ever makes its way to theaters, but in all honesty, what I really want is something that has a more tangible connection to the vibrant world Tina Fey created.
What I want is to spend more time with the foot cream-using, Kalteen Bar-eating, weather-predicting characters I already love. What I want is clarity for the lingering subplots I’ve always wondered about and more information on the supporting players I’ve never gotten. What I want is seven Mean Girls spinoff movies, and I need them as quickly as possible.
Here are my recommendations…
Love In The Time Of Toaster Strudel
Think The Social Network with far more delicious stakes. The cutthroat, high stakes business drama, romantic comedy prequel to Mean Girls follows Mr. Wieners as he competes against a rival food scientist to present Pillsbury with a workable alternative to the Pop Tart. With gooey focus, our hero pushes the boundaries of what’s possible with quick breakfast preparations and ultimately creates a snack for the ages.
In the middle of it all, he meets the beautiful future Mrs. Wieners, a sassy Jewish beauty who dreams of buying a large house in the suburbs of Chicago. He’s used to working eighty hour weeks by himself. She’s used to dating brash, confident and unemployed men. It’s a match made in late twenties common sense heaven. Look for a climax involving a multi-million dollar check, the birth of an insecure and beautiful baby girl and probably some hoop earrings.
Just First Cousins
Twenty-eight-year-old wannabe meteorologist Karen Smith takes a job in Chicago for a local news station working alongside her first cousin/ traffic reporter Seth Mosakowski. The two haven’t seen each other in a few years, but there’s something about their reunion that fits like a comfortable pair of mouse ears. Over the loud objections of her best friend Gretchen Wieners, Karen and Seth begin a relationship, assuring themselves that since they’re first cousins and not just cousins, it’s definitely okay.
Hellbent on breaking the two up before they procreate, Gretchen makes it her mission to sabotage the relationship before it ever truly gets off the ground. She wants Karen to be happy, but sometimes best friends need tough love more than blind support. Unfortunately, the task will be pretty difficult because Seth always looks fine.
Long before she was a confident and opinionated artist, Janis was Regina George’s best friend. In fact, the two did everything together until a boy severed the relationship and led Regina to spread lesbian rumors about her former BFF. Pissed off, alone and confused, Janis takes a semester off and returns for high school in the Fall with blacker hair and a blacker world view.
At first, she’s unsure of where she might fit in, but then she meets a charismatic and heavily involved gay classmate named Damian who makes her realize she does have a place in the world. This touching, coming of age prequel will make you appreciate your best friend and leave you wanting to wear purple jackets and insult people’s mothers and their unfortunate chest hair.
Kevin G And The Power Of 3
With big dreams of rap stardom and a pronounced lack of shame, Kevin Gnapoor (the G is silent when he sneaks in through your door) decides to enter a math contest sponsored by MIT. First prize is more than enough to hire the producers needed to make a quality album, but in order to claim the prize, the eccentric and overconfident prodigy will need to assemble an elite team of Math-letes capable of solving the most complicated equations.
Part Hustle And Flow, part episode of Jeopardy: Teen Edition, Kevin G And The Power Of 3 will feature more than its share of horrible hip-hop songs and truly wretched math puns. Sine up at your own risk, though, seeing it will all but amount to social suicide.
Julius Caesar, As Rewritten By Gretchen Wieners
Sure, Shakespeare’s version of Julius Caesar is okay in a technically brilliant sort of way, but you haven’t actually experienced the material properly until you experience Gretchen Wieners’ take. She heightens the drama. She adds a lot of nervous screaming. She makes it clear to every last person in the audience why it’s absolutely not okay that Caesar acts like he owns the joint when there are a lot of other cute Senators who would like to have a say, at least every once in awhile.
Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smooshed under his big feet? What’s so great about Caesar? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. Brutus is just as smart as Caesar. People totally like Brutus just as much as Caesar. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everyone, huh? Because that is not what Rome is about. We should totally just stab Caesar.
Glen Coco’s Big Choice
Glen Coco is a ladies’ man. Always has been, always will be. He’s just got that presence about him that draws women in, but after three years of dating most of North Shore High School’s most beautiful and most eligible women, good old Glen decides to settle down and try monogamy. The only problem is he can’t figure out which of the four girls who sent him candy canes he should be with.
Raunchy, uproarious and ultimately heartfelt, Glen Coco’s Big Choice follows the legend as he goes on dates with four different women in an attempt to figure out which one will be right for him long-term. Will it be Taylor Wedell? Will it be Dawn Schweitzer? Or will it be, much to his surprise, a fifth lady who he’ll actually have to send a candy cane to?
Keep Your Hands Off My Carr
Best friends for years, Trang Pak and Sun Jin Dinh have both, without each other’s knowledge, been sleeping with Coach Carr, who doesn’t exactly follow his abstinence only recommendation. At first, the ladies are extremely pissed off at each other, but upon further review, they decide to get even with the two-timing adult by any means necessary.
Filled with lots of Vietnamese swear words and uncomfortable sex scenes involving small Asian women and middle-aged white men, this indie dramedy will get a mediocre reception at Sundance and eventually, settle into a long run of late night IFC screenings.
Enthusiastic about Clue, case-of-the-week mysteries, the NBA and cookies at Disney World. Less enthusiastic about the pricing structure of cable, loud noises and Tuesdays.
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