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Here’s how you know that your film has made it to the big time: You get a porn parody. Back to the Future got one. Guardians of the Galaxy got one, as well. And the next franchise to power a raunchy, NSFW porn parody? The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Naturally. Here’s the NSFW trailer for it. You might want to close your office door before watching:
As you might imagine, the origin story for our beloved warrior turtles changes drastically for the porn parody, Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles. This revised history involves radioactive sperm getting into the sewers. How? We’re afraid to ask. But that leads to the creation of new heroes Michelangeblow, Master Sphincter, Dongatello, Casey Bones, and more. Really, this isn’t THAT much worse than Michael Bay’s version. I mean, if you saw Megan Fox in this outfit, wouldn’t you assume it was part of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles porn parody?
The bulk of this trailer is really just horrible sex puns involving turtles, or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles brand. “We’re coming out of our shells!” Gross. Eventually, someone suggests that the four heroes just get it on already, and porn April says she’s in. We can only imagine what the third act twist of Ten Inch will be.
I know this is a porn parody, and it was probably slapped together in one weekend in the Valley. But really, can the person who created the Master Sphincter costume have tried a little harder? And no, that’s not a sex pun:
The video tells you where you can track down the full version of Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles. It’s not canon, so you don’t NEED to watch it to understand what happens in this summer’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows. That movie, which reaches theaters on June 3, will build on the surprise hit of 2014, bringing back Megan Fox and Will Arnett, while also introducing newcomers Casey Jones (Stephen Amell) and the franchise favorites Bebop and Rocksteady. Directed by Dave Green, the second Turtles will be here soon. Will you check it out?