Of course we’re all going to watch the new Fifty Shades of Grey movie for the beguiling source material, thoughtful subject matter and creative set and lighting direction. The movie will be pure art daaahrling, said no one, because what we all really want to watch is Jamie Dornan’s penis. The fact that it could be missing from the final cuts makes us question whether we now want to go see it at all.
In a new interview with The Observer, Dornan reveals how his stint as BDSM-loving billionaire Christian Grey could be a todger-less experience for all, just so that the film can avoid the graphic NC-17 rating. As we’ve previously explained, such a rating does have the effect of limiting a film’s audience and box office success. "There were contracts in place that said that viewers wouldn’t be seeing my, um… todger," explained the actor as he attempted to clarify why the filmmakers have decided to leave some things to the imagination.
"You want to appeal to as wide an audience as possible without grossing them out. You don’t want to make something gratuitous, and ugly, and graphic… Sam is a very bright woman, so there might be some suggestive elements [of sex] to it, but I haven’t seen it at this stage, so it is hard for me to say. I’m aware of what we shot, and it wasn’t as if we shot a film without any action…"
This. Is. Ridiculous. Part of the appeal of this movie is the sex and seeing how far director Sam Taylor-Johnson might have gone in perfectly recreating the original book/bad Twilight fan fiction. I’m not saying we need an hour and a half of softcore porn, but at least match what we can typically find on an episode of Game of Thrones. For the record, Gone Girl majestically whipped out both Ben Affleck and Neil Patrick Harris’ "todgers"; and only got slapped with an R-rating. Goddammit, give the people what they want! Todger! Todger! Todger!
Moving on, Jamie Dornan unleashes even more hope-dashing gems about the Fifty Shades of Grey production, particularly how he definitely, absolutely does not "get turned on" while shooting sex scenes with co-star Dakota Johnson. She plays the Anastasia Steele to his Christian Grey and I’m betting will almost certainly appear full-frontal. "There are dozens of hairy men standing around, moving cables and lighting equipment. That's not sexy unless you're into being watched, which I'm not," says Dornan.
If none of this has turned you away from what could potentially be a family-friendly episode of Masters of Sex, you can catch Fifty Shades of Grey in theaters on February 13, 2015.