Too lazy to read all the wonderful news our insightful crew scours the globe to bring you every day? Too outmoded to have an MP3 player for the podcast? Shame on you all! However, being the generous lot we are, welcome to news:blended, your weekly guide to the most interesting stories reported on Cinema Blend over the last seven days.
news: blended has been on a small hiatus of late, but like an Obama stimulus plan, Head Honcho Josh has given it a massive unregulated bailout in the form of me. Unlike an Obama talk show appearance, however, I promise I won't crack any jokes about handicapped children... well, I'll try...
SATURDAY
Who likes short shorts? We like short shorts!
She ate a cherry tomato then vomited it up! Hilarious!
Saturday was almost a day off for our news staff, with only one story hitting the site. One for the ladies as we brought you pictures of Matt Damon in short shorts attempting to bring an end to aparthied in South Africa by flashing his calves. I'm not sure that's how I remember it going down in the history books but it's a movie by Clint Eastwood, so it's bound to be interesting.
Outside of regular news, Josh was schmoozing it up at SXSW and tried to convince everyone that a comedy about a bulemia enabler can actually be funny. Jeez, is it make fun of a disability week?
SUNDAY
Eddie Murphy in a crappy looking family comedy – Imagine that!
It wouldn't be a rapper drama without a fight over Benjamins now would it!
Why doth Eddie Murphy forsake us so? And so. And so. After tantalising everyone with a return to form with Dreamgirls, Eddie has retreated so far back in to his comedy rut, even Steve Martin is shaking his head in disgust. This one sounds like a knock off of that crappy Adam Sandler comedy from earier this year.
From needlessly cute to needlessly profane, naturally with Notorious released in cinemas, a Tupac biopic is now in the works. Only, to no surprise there's beef over who is making the film, who was going to make the film and who's going make money from the film. It's all about the Benjamins, baby!
MONDAY
We can make this movie with a penknife and some duct tape!
Rogen on with the show but admits Chow a no-go on Kato
Here's a weird fact. I grew up in the 80s and never saw my first episode of MacGuyver till I was 23. I was more of an A-Team guy anyhow. But it seems despite not having a writer, director or star, the De Laurentis dynasty are doggedly determined to “MacGyver” a movie together anyway. Yes it's a verb.
Speaking of movies and making things up as you go along, CB's own SXSW team managed to get a word from Seth Rogen on what's happening on Green Hornet and it seems Stephen Chow is now completely off the project. Josh's bets are now on John Cho to replace him. Depressingly I think he may be right.
TUESDAY
Man up Bay, Ratner could have it in on time!
The solution to video game movie adaptation suckage...?
This week Sony performed that idiotic but increasingly common move of announcing a ridiculously tight release date for Transformers 3, four months before the second movie is even in theatres. This news caused Michael Bay to snort coffee out his nose in shock and he got right on to his blog telling Paramount that, like Arnold in T2, he needs a vacation. The staring competition is on, who will blink first?
Video game adaptations all suck. All. Every one. Even the ones you like as a guilty pleasure suck and you know it. So Fox has the answer! In an attempt to mix up the meaning of adaptation and hopefully confuse everyone in to thinking this will stop it sucking, Fox will create a movie and video game adaptation, or is that a video game and a movie adaptation... simultaneously. Somewhere out there cash registers are ringing and another raft of serious film-makers are losing the will to live.
WEDNESDAY
Writs With Sharp Teeth
Actually it's Mission: Improbable
Harlan Ellison is a mystery to me. He's like a fascinating modern day philosopher inhabiting the body of Joe Pesci in a Scorsese movie. He also likes to sue. A lot. In fact I'm pretty sure just mentioning his name in this article without paying him a royalty will result in litigation. And so it's no surprise that with his episode of Star Trek over 40 years old and a new Star Trek movie imminent, Ellison has found another reason to take Paramount to court.
Tom Cruise is probably just as crazy as Ellison but has that much creepier, much more serene pod-person vibe. He's been on Japanese TV telling everyone about his plans for another outing for Ethan Hunt possibly set in Toyko. Which is kinda like a band going to some outback town and declaring them the best crowd ever. You know they don't mean it but the locals go along with the vibe.
THURSDAY
I blame Dr Manhattan for this one
Chris Columbus and the Half-Hearted Knockoff
As I mentioned earlier I was an 80s kid. One of my favourite movies of the time was Splash. Not just because it was a great comedy starring Tom Hanks, but the presence of a perpetually nakey or topless Daryl Hannah was an added bonus for a growing boy. Well it seems that in the wake of increasing acceptance of on-screen schlongery, someone thought a romantic comedy about a merman would make a hilarious role reversal movie or something. I say no. Mermaids are sexy in a wrong kind of way, Aquaman flopping his flipper around the Statue of Liberty is not.
A movie about a young boy discovers he has supernatural powers gifted to him from his bloodline and is sent to a school where they throw around the word “half-blood” to learn how to harness his powers, directed by Chris Columbus. Harry Potter, right? Wrong! I think JK Rowling should get some litigation advise from Harlan Ellison on this one.
FRIDAY
A glowing blue penis and sore asses make WB reconsider R-rated movies... er wait...
Pope a cap in yo' ass... Wait too much ass metaphor in these...
While I go seek therapy over my story titles it seems the bosses at WB have declared a movie that made more money than most movies released at this time of year a flop. Yes, because they hyped up Watchmen and it didn't make as much as The Dark Knight it's now a flop, so they're only going with PG-13 rated superhero movies less than 2 hours long from here on out now. Sorry boob and dick lovers out there.
One man who certainly won't like boob and dick movies is the Pope. But he likes movies based on Dan Brown novels even less. Like most people who plan to boycott a something, word is he hasn't seen it. Paging Benny, there's a reason your religion is sliding in to irrelevant. Spend a little more time promoting rubbers and a little less shit-talking silly fantasy movies and people might start to care again.
That’s all for a triumphant return to news:blended, taking all the week's deep, insightful, carefully written, well researched news by our immensely talented team and distilling in to the equivalent of a social-networking status update. If you like what you read, leave a comment below, or get in touch. If you don't, well I guess you could always go start a Facebook group to demand the other guy back.
