This weekend, audiences went back to the woods in search of the Blair Witch. We're certainly hoping that these kids are better prepared for what awaits them that their predecessors from 1999s The Blair Witch Project.
The simple fact is that those poor kids in the original movie were completely unprepared for even the simplest problems they had to deal with in the woods. They seemed to think they could just spend a couple of days camping and not take any simple precautions. Even if there was no supernatural force coming after them, they were going to die in the woods anyway. Here's what you can learn by their bad example.
Bring The Right Food
There a brief sequence early in The Blair Witch Project where the kids do some shopping. They buy energy bars, (a good choice), marshmallows (because they're camping, totally cool) and brown rice. Wait, what? If these kids were camping in an RV, or even out of a car, they could make that work, but rice requires things like a pot (heavy) and water (valuable) to make it work. Blair Witch Lesson 1They're working out of backpacks, not an ice chest. Backpack space is valuable and considering they had to fill most of theirs with camera equipment, they simply didn't have the space to waste.
Read The Damn Book
Heather shows off a book at the beginning of the film entitled How To Stay Alive in the Woods. One thing that is clear is that she did not, at any point, read this book. We're fairly certain simply owning the book does not help. The book has an entire section about what to do if you are lost. We're fairly certain it does not say, pick a direction and just start walking, you'll find civilization eventually. At no point does Heather stop to review this book for useful information. We're assuming it was left behind to make room for more brown rice.
Bring A Map For The Entire Route
Here's a novel idea. If you're going to go traipsing around in an area where you might get lost, bring more than just part of the map. At one point, when trying to figure out where they are, and where they're going, Heather says that they started their hike off the edge of the map because she knew where they were going. How about, just in case, we bring a larger map? It's paper, it won't take up too much space. That way, on the off chance that we get a little turned around, we might have a clue where we are.
Don't Throw Away The Map
In the grand scheme of things, losing the map was probably no big deal for these three when Mike kicks it in the creek. You see, the purpose of maps is to figure out how to get from one place to another, but to do that, you have to know where you are in the first place. It would have to be a fairly detailed map to be able to pick out your location from random wilderness once you're already lost. However, you still shouldn't throw away your map. If nothing else you can use it to start a fire.
For the love of all that's holy, if you ever get lost in the woods, stop, goddamn, moving. That's like rule number one. If you get lost, find a safe place, set up camp and don't fucking go anywhere. They say multiple times that they know help will come eventually because they have friends and family that will miss them. If that's the case, then let them find you. By moving around you only decrease the odds that you'll be discovered. Here's a news flash, it is possible to get lost in the United States and the reason you know that is that you are.
Don't Disturb The Rocks
Whether or not you believe they were placed there by a ghost witch who lives in the woods, it's best to just not disturb the odd pile of rocks or the bundle of sticks that have been placed in front of your tent. That sort of configuration does not occur randomly in nature. It could be some kind of animal warren and you might destroy their home. That would just be mean. If it is a ghost witch, then you don't really know what will happen, and it's probably best to not find out.