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This Depressing Friends Theory Is Every Ross Hater's Dream

Remember Friends? Of course you do. Even if you missed all of the famed comedy’s original run, it would be hard to miss the show in syndication. I’ve convinced that if you have access to enough channels and switch between them frequently during an entire 24 hour period, you can watch nothing but that one show all damn day. (A combination of the various iterations of Law and Order qualify for this, too. But we can talk about that another time.)

Some of you hated Ross Geller (David Schwimmer). He was bland, you say. Prone to throwing his highly educated life into his supposed friends faces. Obsessed with a woman who’d been completely oblivious to his feeling since high school. But, there’s a new fan theory that will just blow your mind about Mr. Wishy-Washy Dinosaur Lover.

The theory comes to us from What Would Bale Do, a site silly with fan theories. Author DFLOVETT supposes a world in which Ross is not entirely unlike corrupt, cocaine snorting cop Ray Velcoro from the second season of True Detective:


Apparently, Ross did so much weird stuff on Friends that the author thinks Ross eventually lost custody of his son, Ben, because of those weirdo tendencies. The evidence, well, it’s interesting.

The main source of evidence is that we see and hear about Ross’s son quite a lot during the first few seasons of the show. But, then, seemingly out of nowhere Ben simply disappears. We never see that cute, precocious blond boy again. I’d like to add that Ben’s mom, Carol (Jane Sibbett), is a no show as well, but if the rest of this theory is correct, that makes perfect sense.

I know what you’re thinking, Ross is too goofy to lose custody of his kid. The man owned a monkey! Well, I agree, Ross was goofy. But, was he also troubled? DFLOVETT seems to think so. I already mentioned his total obsession with Rachel (Jennifer Aniston). Even though Ross dated other women before and after his eventual relationship with Rachel took off, faltered and then took off again, we all know he was never completely on board the relationship train with any of those ladies. And, it may have taken a while, but they all figured it out.

Speaking of figuring his obsession out, do you remember how Ross dumped Julie in Season 2 when he found out Rachel was willing to give him a shot? Or, how Ross asked Emily to marry him and then said Rachel’s name during the ceremony in Season 4? Or, what about when Ross gave Mona a key to his apartment in Season 8, then changed the locks, all without telling her that his ex, Rachel, had moved in with him, but, you know, only as friends?

OK, it seems totally possible that Ross lost custody of Ben. A closer examination of Ross’s inability to move past the Rachel thing, with a pretty constant string of women he (at least emotionally) abandons for the true object of his affection, does show a determination to put every other personal connection below that hope that he’d capture his dream woman.

So, along with his other oddities, could Carol have said, Screw it! My kid doesn’t need that mess of a man.? It’s incredibly likely. It’s also likely that Ross simply fell slowly out of Ben’s life as he began to concentrate even more on Rachel. Either way, it’s one hell of an intriguing theory that’ll have me looking a lot closer at Ross Geller in the future.

Bachelor Nation, Gilmore Girl; will Vulcan nerve pinch pretty much anyone if prompted with cheese...Yes, even Jamie Fraser.