TV Recap: Gossip Girl - Seder Anything

Gossip Girl has gone on hiatus so often, that I feel like I've been watching this season forever, yet I can't remember anything that has happened. What's funny is that the characters seem to be having the same problem—they're all walking around completely disoriented.

Jenny, for instance, apparently just remembered that Chuck tried to rape her a year ago, something that hasn't been mentioned since, despite the fact that they've been in very close quarters ever since. She decides that she's still burned about the fact that he never apologized, but in his defense, Chuck is relying totally on muscle memory now, so I doubt he even remembered anything had happened until Jenny brought it up.

The muscle memory explains why Chuck was in bed with someone, and it wasn't until she bit his neck that he realized he had actually had sex with her before. Despite these revelations, Chuck still doesn't remember that he's sleeping with Vanessa, so she's nowhere to be found in the entire episode.

Nate seems to be even more forgetful than Chuck, because despite the fact that he dated Blair for about half of their lives, he's completely forgotten who she is. Nate's grandfather convinces her to go along in a scheme: She convinces Nate to go to Yale, in exchange, she gets to be in Nate's cousin's wedding and on her way to becoming a socialite. Quite frankly, as schemes go, it's pretty tame for Blair.

For some reason though, Nate gets all bent out of shape when he finds out about it. It's Blair! That can hardly even be considered a scheme by her standards. She probably didn't even know she was doing it-- it's like breathing for her. Asking Blair Waldorf not to scheme is like asking Chuck not to be creepy, or Dan not to be whiny, or Jenny not to wear a pound of eyeliner, or Serena to stop brushing her hair as an outward sign of her inward turmoil and rebellion. Point is, these people are who they are and there's no changing it.

Blair though, is still all discombobulated since getting rejected from Yale, so she throws herself at Nate's feet, begging to be forgiven, and accepts Cyrus's offer to get her an interview at NYU. So if Blair goes to NYU next year and Nate goes to Columbia, that's two main characters staying in the city. What are they going to do with Serena, who just found out she got accepted into Brown?

She doesn't seem to be worried that the fact she missed a crapload of school to go to Spain is going to adversely affect her chances to actually attend college next year, so as of now, she's heading to Brown. Of course, she may need that special married housing that Kelly and Zack needed on Saved By the Bell: The College Years, because she spends most of the episode thinking she married Poppy's boyfriend, Gabriel, while they were in Spain.

Apparently, Gabriel and Poppy had a fight, so she stormed out of the country, leaving Serena and Gabriel alone to fall in love. Naked swimming was involved, and the next thing she knew, she was in a church saying, “si.” She ends up at Cyrus's Passover Seder, because she needs legal advice so she can get a quickie annulment.

A huge comedy of errors occurs when Dan also ends up at the Seder-- as a cater waiter. He feels guilty about the fact that he's a whiny, entitled brat, so he gets a job to help pay for his tuition to Yale. He kind of sucks at the job though, not only because of said entitlement, but because Serena commandeers him to help her out when Gabriel shows up unexpectedly to the dinner.

Poor Cyrus just wants to get through the prayers, but Serena's drama ruins everything Rufus and Lily are there, and they're basically just trying to catch up when Dan pretends that he's not a cater waiter and he and Serena are together. Of course, the ruse is completely idiotic, so it only lasts about five minutes before Dan has to stop stealing Elijah's seat and start pouring some more wine.

Rufus decides that he doesn't like the idea of his son working his way through life and taking responsibility for himself, so he decides to sell his gallery in order to send Dan to college. Oh, and as for Rufus and Lily's son who made a reappearance last week? There's no mention of him this week.

After the “hilarious” ruse is uncovered and Gabriel leaves, Serena goes after him. He assures her they're not actually married, so Serena decides not to feel weird about stealing someone else's boyfriend, and totally goes for it. Except, she didn't actually steal anybody's boyfriend, because he and Poppy don't appear to be broken up. It seems as though they're playing Serena, but to what end?

Anyway, these guys are all jerks, because as someone who just went to her first Seder a few weeks ago, they should have shut up and enjoyed it. They're super-fun and the food's really good.

So what do you think the deal with Poppy is? What's her angle? Feel free to post your theories below.