This week we go back to the Fall and specifically the week of Halloween. The ladies go all out for some parties and some hardcore hating. But first there are some fake lives to deal with so let's start with The Countess shall we?
The Countess's daughter, Victoria, is home from boarding school. After being abroad in some disgusting European dorm room with only one in house pianist, two fireplaces per floor and Lobster only on Thursdays, Victoria has learned to appreciate her maid Rosie more. She's also learned the fine art of thrift shopping, because that's exactly who Goodwill is intended for--the filthy rich. VICTORIA! Please leave the adorable $1 cashmere sweaters to us working class folk, OK? Stick with your kind and we'll stick with ours. K THX. She's also learned how to grind dance. Now THAT'S ma girl. The Countess really did teach her everything she knows I guess. I mean how else did she land a Count? GRIND-ING! Now that Victoria has taken to thrift shopping The Countess wants to wow her with her knack for bargaining. They buy some "real mother of pearl" necklaces from a street vendor, two for $150. WHAT a GREAT Deal! You idiots. Then it's on to a real store. They've had enough of dealing with street urchins. The Countess thinks shopping together is a great way to spend quality time because materialism is the easiest subject to bond over. Oh and as an added bonus The Countess says Victoria just LOVES watching her get changed in the dressing room. Because that's not creepy.
This week Jill is being interviewed by the BBC because they want to speak with successful people in Manhattan for a Sirius radio show. This week the BBC last week Traditional Home, Jill sure is making the rounds these days! The BBC interview goes well in Jill's mind but watching it you can see the hatred in the interviewers eyes. They basically want to call Jill out on being overtly wealthy and spoiled, but she sort of saves herself by lying about feeling the hardships of the economy despite the thousand dollar bills seeping from her pores. Just take her birthday for instance; she went small this year with a $16,000 Birkin bag and a new Mercedes SUV. Nothing TOO extravagant. Jill plays it off well and plugs her charities but it's pretty obvious these Brits are disgusted by her wealth and they're out to bring people like her down. Her heart's in the right place but really they're the ones with their minds in the right place. Sorry Jill!
Kelly takes new head shots because she needs to keep getting booked for Big and Tall men's store commercials. JUST KIDDING! But seriously, does she think she's going to keep getting work after this show airs? Let's get real. But BOY oh BOY she sure loves to compliment herself and when she asks if her bathing shoot shots should be with open or closed legs the photographer responds in the perviest French accent with, "alvays wit de legz opan." Ewwww, pervy french photographer I do NOT think you want to see those legz opan. This is Kelly the She-Monster Bensimon here. To kill two birds with one stone, Kelly asks zee photographer to take photos for her Halloween party invitation as well. She's going to be the "A" in the Happy Halloween on the invites. She thinks that will make people want to come to the party because it's fun, flirty and cool to be the letter "A"? The way this woman's mind works never ceases to amaze me. But then again I keep forgetting how "spontaneous" she is! That's just crazy Kel-Kel for ya!
Alex and Simon are buying recycled clothes out of feedbags this week. Come off it Alex and Simon! We know you can't afford this lifestyle so quit playing the couture fashion game and fess up that you just can't cut it. It's fine if you need to wear clothes made out of garbage, just admit it like the rest of us and we'll accept you for you. Though I'm sure they spent about $10k on that feedbag dress. So worth it. Even The Countess's daughter had the good sense not to spend more than $10 on her garbage clothes. OMG Alex decides she's going wear this feedbag dress to opening night at the Opera. Good thinking Alex, that won't get you made fun of at all. The van Kempen's then go home to carve pumpkins with their kids Johan and Franswaaaaaa whilst wearing Witch hats. Alex looks frighteningly like a witch and Simon seems a tad too comfortable in his hat and bloody gauze Pashmina for what qualifies as socially acceptable.
Ramona is taking her jewelry line to a new level of sophistication and is going to start selling on the Home Shopping Network. She should fit right in with Suzanne Somers and Joan Rivers. Actually what am I talking about, Joan Rivers will eat her for breakfast. Ramona attempts to film a practice run at home but she can't do it in front of her judgey daughter because she is afraid of her. I can't blame Avery for judging Ramona and I can't blame Ramona for fearing her. She should fear her because some one's got to keep the crazy in check.
And now for the parties. The ladies all attend a week full of Halloween parties together and for the first party all of the women bring their dogs as their dates. Jill gets a Legally Blond costume made for her and her rat dog; Bethenny is Roller Girl and her dog is her Roller bitch; Ramona is Robin Hood and her dog is a mini Robin Hood; and Brad the Gay husband is... a Gay husband? He had on some sort of couch pattern pink suit, probably leftovers from Jill's FABULOUS new apartment makeover (and by fabulous I mean hideous).
Next up is Kelly's Halloween party. SHOCKINGLY Bethenny was invited and she actually showed. She probably got word that Kelly wouldn't actually be there. I wonder if Kelly will be denying Bethenny's presence at this party as well. The party is like a frat party with *cough cough* CASH BAR! WHAT! Kelly, not only are you a horror of a human being but you're a cheapo too! For shame. Jill is "PISSED." Cash bar and she hasn't even shown to her own lame-o party. This is the kiss of death for Kelly me thinks. Once Jill hates you, it's all over. Eleven o'clock rolls around and Kelly STILL hasn't shown so the housewives decide to leave. Bethenny rages to the camera and you can tell that deep down she was praying for this to happen. She pretends to be upset but slaps a smirk on her face and roller skates into the night. Bethenny 2, Kelly 0.
Kelly finally shows up to her party as a Playboy bunny with her half naked boy toy on her arm. She thinks that her costume is mom appropriate since because a Playboy bunny is flirty yet demure. What planet is this woman from? Have you seen Mean Girls Kelly? Because in that move – and in life – bunny costumes are not what flirty moms wear, they're what slutty bitches wear. Get it? Kelly realizes everyone has left her party and she's now hurt. Ohhhhh POOR wittle Kewwy welly. All dressed up and uncomfortable at your own terrible party with no one to show off for, Ho Hum. Just goes to show that no matter how slutty you dress you will not win over the ladies. We don't want your bod, we want your free drinks and we want to talk about you while your back is turned. So do your part and show up to your own parties and dish out the cash. That's how you excite a woman.