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Man, the 2014 Golden Globes were nutty, eh? Awards season’s drunkest cousin on the block had its night in the spotlight on Sunday evening and — as is to be expected — it did not disappoint. From minute one the show was off on a rocketing and riotous pace (something other award shows would be smart to try and emulate), with hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler absolutely nailing their opening monologue and things only continued off the rails from there. In a good way, of course! But still: there was plenty to see and a lot of people with an intrinsic need to be seen, willing to go for the goofy gold any and every chance they got.
Of course not everyone can stand to tune into these things (What? Did you not tune into our live-blog? How rude!) and would rather wait for the Monday morning quarterback highlights. So we’ve done you the favor of compiling the biggest water cooler moments in one handy-dandy post — because we’re nothing if not afraid to be servicey. Don’t say we never did anything nice for you.
Tina and Amy Nailed the MonologuePerhaps the easiest way to mess up an awards show is to start the ceremony off on the wrong foot. Luckily, such feats are impossible with Poehler and Fey at the helm of the ship. The duo, all too aware of the slippery slope they’re on, given that they’ve already hosted once and will host the show again in 2015, were quick to point out the originality of the plot. “Because this is Hollywood, and if something kinda works they’ll just keep doing it until everybody hates it!” Fey quipped. The ladies stripped away any pretenses about the show’s A-listy guest list, with Poehler remarking that “by European rules, it’s everyone in this room, and then Jean Claude Van Dame,” and calling Matt Damon “basically a garbage person.”
Though the winning joke of the evening was obviously that George Clooney/Gravity zinger, which is better experienced than it is heard repeated (but we’ll do both anyway because why not): “Gravity, the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die then spend one more minute with a woman his own age.” Forget Beyoncé, it’s these bitches that are the true definition of flawless.
Diane Keaton SangWhile accepting the Cecil B. DeMille Award for Tiny Men with Big Glasses — just kidding it’s a lifetime achievement situation. In any case, Keaton’s performance really deserves to be presented without comment.
Andy Samberg and Brooklyn Nine-Nine ShockedAndy Samberg and his freshman FOX comedy series, Brooklyn Nine-Nine surprised everyone taking home the awards for Best Male and Best Comedy on the TV side, ensuring a billion thinkpieces on how Saturday Night Live had the best night ever, and how Lorne Michaels is the overlord of any laugh had on television.
Emma Thompson was Barefoot, Maybe Also Drunk, Definitely CrazyDoes anyone else want to be Emma Thompson when they grow up? The Queen of Giving None of The Fucks was in fine form — at least once she took her shoes off and ran with it.
Jacqueline Bisset…Did A ThingI suppose no one can be really sure what was running through Jacqueline Bisset’s mind when she picked up her award for work on Starz’s Dancing on The Edge. Perhaps nothing. Perhaps everything. Or perhaps she was running herself, stirred to life but actually sleep-walking her way through an elaborate fever dream from her youth. Nothing that a quick hug from Jon Voight, a jaunt halfway backstage, and a couple un-bleeped expletives couldn’t fix.