From being the all-time greatest Oscars host to appearing in some of the best romantic comedies of all time to headlining a beloved Pixar animated film, Billy Crystal has been all over the place for the past half-century. During that time, he’s given movie and TV audiences countless lines, quips, and zingers that have become parts of our everyday lives. Here are 32 of those hilarious quotes that we just can’t get enough of…
"When I Buy A New Book, I Read The Last Page First." - When Harry Met Sally
Harry Burns will forever be one of Billy Crystal’s most iconic characters thanks to quotes like this one from When Harry Met Sally. Though macabre in that his character reads the last line so that he knows how the story ends in the event of his death, the line tells you more about Harry than a long, drawn-out monologue.
"Well, It Just So Happens That Your Friend Here Is Only Mostly Dead." - The Princess Bride
Billy Crystal is only in The Princess Bride for a cup of coffee, but he makes the most of his brief screentime with this unforgettable performance as Miracle Max. Watching him tell Inigo Montoya and Fezzik that Westely is only “mostly dead,” before explaining the different stages of death is the gift that keeps giving.
"I Tried To Be A Man Of The People, I Had A Payphone In My Car" - Comic Relief '87 Opening
The Comic Relief specials created by Bob Zmuda raised a ton of cash while also providing some much-needed laughs. This is especially true for the opening of the 1987 special where Billy Crystal and Robin Williams played two former bigwigs who are now bums on the street corner asking for money and trading stories about how far they’ve fallen. Crystal’s line about a payphone in his car is especially hilarious and a little dark.
"But Every Time I Went To Taste The Cheese, The Thing Came Down Right On My Tongue! I’m Tellin’ Ya — After Forty, Fifty Times, I Couldn’t Even Feel The Cheese, Much Less Taste It." - Saturday Night Live
One of the best recurring sketches on Saturday Night Live in the ‘80s was the “Do You Know What I Hate?” bit featuring Billy Crystal and Christopher Guest. And while just about every sentence is funny in the various incarnations, Crystal’s Willie talking about the trouble he got into when trying to set a mousetrap is at the top of the list. The delivery, the imagery, and the expressions on his face are all on point.
"Hi Curly, Killed Anyone Today?" - City Slickers
A lot of what makes City Slickers, one of the best '90s movies, work so well is the chemistry between Billy Crystal and eventual Oscar winner Jack Palance. The gruffness of Palance’s beloved Curly played so well against Crystal’s Mitch Robbins, especially in this classic interaction out on the cattle drive.
"That's It, I'm Out Of Ideas. We're Closed. Hot Air Balloon? Too Expensive, Giant Slingshot? Too Conspicuous. Enormous Wooden Horse? Too Greek." - Monsters, Inc.
The pairing of Billy Crystal as Mike Wazowkski and John Goodman as James P. “Sulley” Sullivan in Monsters, Inc. was a match made in comedy heaven, and the best friends and coworkers at times feel like an old married couple. This dynamic can be seen in this classic moment when Mike grows increasingly more frustrated when his ideas for the “Boo” situation don’t seem to be impressing anyone.
"You Look Marvelous!" - Saturday Night Live
Billy Crystal’s portrayal of Fernando Lamas as an over-the-top talk show host produced one of the best Saturday Night Live catchphrases, which just so happens to be one of the comedian’s funniest TV lines of all time. Dare you say, it’s “marvelous”?
"Owen, You Gotta Get It Throughout Your Thick Head: I May Be A Lot Of Things, But I'm Not A Killer" - Throw Momma From The Train
Throw Momma from the Train is one of the darkest comedies in Billy Crystal’s stellar filmography, as well as one of the funniest. The dark and sometimes disturbing tone of the film is best illustrated by this quote from Crystal’s Larry Donner to Danny DeVito’s Owen Lift when the latter tries to get the former to kill his mom.
"Come Out, Come Out, Mr. Doody, And Swim In The Swimming Pool." - Parental Guidance
Is Parental Guidance one of the movies featuring Billy Crystal? No, not really. However, this 2012 family-friendly comedy does have a hilarious sequence where Crystal has to sing to his grandson to get him to go “number two” in a public restroom. And yeah, it’s in the form of a song.
"You Go Downstairs, You Shed A Tear, And You Say, 'It's A Shame. She Would Have Loved This Movie." - America's Sweethearts
America’s Sweethearts is one of those early 2000s rom-coms that doesn’t get talked about nearly enough, which is a shame. In the movie, Billy Crystal plays Lee Phillips, a tenacious publicist who’ll do anything to save a movie threatened by the breakup of stars Eddie Thomas (John Cusack) and Gwen Harrison (Catherine Zeta-Jones), including leaking a misleading photo that causes a media firestorm.
"Like When You Go Bowling And You Know You're In Someone Else's Shoes" - Friends
There were a lot of famous actors on Friends outside of the cast, including a random appearance by Billy Crystal and Robin Williams. In this improvised scene, Crystal and Williams have a hilarious conversation about infidelity that leads to this absurd simile that’s just too much.
"I Don't Like Heights. This Is Why I Stopped Growing At Fifth Grade." - My Giant
My Giant may not be the most well-liked Billy Crystal movie, but this 1998 comedy co-starring Romanian basketball player Gheorghe Mureșan saw the actor poke fun at his own height or lack thereof with this humourous line.
"Come On, Don't Talk Back, Mime Is Money." - This Is Spinal Tap
Hearing a mime talk is funny on its own, but hearing Billy Crystal as a mime talking is on a whole other level. And guess what, that’s exactly what happens in Rob Reiner’s hilarious mockumentary, This Is Spinal Tap, in a short yet unforgettable scene where Crystal gives another mime, played by Dana Carvey, some much-needed wisdom.
"You Rush A Miracle Man, You Get Rotten Miracles." - The Princess Bride
Miracle Max is full of great lines in his brief stint in The Princess Bride, including this one where he explains why you shouldn’t rush a miracle man. Well, unless you want a rotten miracle.
"And My Mother, Disguised As An East German Judge, Gave Me A 5.6" - When Harry Met Sally
The conversations between Billy Crystal’s Harry Burns and Meg Ryan’s Sally Albright are what make When Harry Met Sally so dang good. And one of the funniest of those chats comes partway through the movie when Harry describes a dream where he’s being judged (by his mom) on his love-making skills.
"He's A Lost Soul, He's A Dented Can, He's Behind Me, Isn't He?" - City Slickers II: The Legend Of Curly's Gold
City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold pales in comparison to its predecessor in just bout every way, but this brilliantly awkward and perfectly timed scene when Jon Lovtiz’s character is introduced early on in the movie is nothing short of golden.
"Don't You Have A Dark Side? I Know, You're Probably One Of Those Cheerful People Who Dot Their 'I's' With Little Hearts." - When Harry Met Sally
The way the words roll off of Harry Burns’ (Billy Crystal) tongue in this classic conversation with Sally Albright (Meg Ryan) in When Harry Met Sally is something that never gets old. While brash, the description is spot-on.
"Sulley, You're Not Supposed To Name It. Once You Name It, You Start Getting Attached To It." - Monsters, Inc.
The transformation experienced by Billy Crystal’s Mike Wazowski in Monsters, Inc. is one of the best in terms of a character letting go of their insecurities and fears to become a parent. It’s just that this quote, which comes after Mike and Sulley (John Goodman) find Boo, is before the little monster has his grant epiphany.
"What Is My Goal Here, To Make You A Happy, Well-Adjusted Gangster?” - Analyze This
Analyze This, a movie that features a great Tony Bennett cameo, is built around the on-screen parking of Billy Crystal and Robert De Niro, which ultimately leads to some unforgettable moments. One that comes up all the time, is an interaction between Crystal’s psychiatrist character and De Niro’s mafioso that leads to one of the funniest lines in the movie.
"Amnesia Dust, You Throw A Pinch, The Kid Forgets Everything That Happened The Last Few Seconds, [Throws Dust] That's How It Works." - Tooth Fairy
Released a year or so before Dwayne Johnson found his footing in Hollywood and became one of the biggest box office draws of the century, he starred in the 2010 family-friendly comedy, Tooth Fairy. Though the movie is kind of whatever, it does have a hilarious interaction between Johnson’s character and Billy Crystal’s fairy who teaches the new recruit the power of “amnesia dust,” several times.
"For Two Years I Ran A Hollywood Studio, But You Can't Trust Those People" - Deconstructing Harry
Deconstructing Harry is one of the wildest Woody Allen movies, which is saying something, and it also features a stellar ensemble cast that includes Billy Crystal playing the devil. In this fantastical sequence where Allen’s character visits Hell, he meets the man in charge who jokes about all the jobs he’s had in the past, including a short time running a film studio.
"While You're At It, Why Don't You Give Me A Nice Paper Cut And Pour Lemon Juice On It?" - The Princess Bride
As far as character introductions go, it doesn’t get much better than Miracle Max (Billy Crystal) bringing up his past in The Princess Bride. Before we even get a chance to meet the guy obsessed with MLTs, he throws this salt, err, lemon, on the wound.
"Either God Is In The Salvage Business Or Bigfoot Took My Car!" - My Giant
Billy Crystal makes the most of his performance in My Giant, which leads to some outrageous lines sprinkled throughout Michael Lehmann’s 1998 comedy. This includes this hilarious quote that manages to include both God and Bigfoot in the same sentence.
"I Couldn't Catch A Ball. Well, It's Hard To Catch With Your Face. I Had The Word 'Spalding' Written On My Forehead 'Til I Was About Six." - Memories Of Me
What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, or at least leads to a great joke somewhere down the line. This is true for Billy Crystal’s character in the Henry Winkler-directed comedy, Memories of Me, where he talks about a sports injury that he won’t soon forget.
"Well, It's Just That You Get To Do All The Dangerous Stuff, And I Get To Parallel Park" - Running Scared
Running Scared, the 1986 buddy cop movie not to be confused with another film of the same name, features the tremendous pairing of Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines, one that leads to some hilarious moments along the way. Case in point, this interaction between the two Chicago cops best illustrates their relationship.
"What's The Matter With You? We Never Discuss Mr. Vitti's Health Outside The Family" - Analyze This
Analyze This does a great job of poking fun at iconic gangster movie lines. One scene in particular works really well when Billy Crystal’s Ben Sobel slaps a mobster and manages to reference both The Godfather and HIPPA violations.
"Well Then, Let Me Be The First To Say Farewell!" - Forget Paris
The ‘90s had all kinds of comedies with professional athletes playing themselves, but few come close to the absurdity seen in Forget Paris. The sequence that takes the cake in absurdity is the one where a dejected NBA ref Mickey Gordon (Billy Crystal) ejects Kareem Abdul-Jabbar from his farewell game.
"Mr. Klein Died Today, Leaving A Wife, Two Children, And A Spacious Three-Bedroom Apartment With A Wood-Burning Fireplace." - When Harry Met Sally
Harry Burns (Billy Crystal) trying to rationalize why obituaries and classified ads should be on the same page in When Harry Met Sally is a moment that, like the movie itself, just gets better with age.
"You And The Wife Retire To Fort Lauderdale, You Start Eating Dinner At Two, Lunch Around Ten, Breakfast The Night Before" - City Slickers
Mitch Robbins (Billy Crystal) walking a group of elementary school students through the sad series of events that awaits them in old age at the beginning of City Slickers is so good. Sure, it’s depressing, but that’s what makes it so much fun.
"Dodgeball Was The Best, Oh Yeah. I Was The Fastest One Out There. Of Course I Was The Ball." - Monsters, Inc.
Mike Wazowski is the king of self-deprecating humor in Monsters, Inc. and one of the best examples of this comes when the not-so-large and not-so-scary creature talks about being the ball in dodgeball as a kid. Ouch!
"You Should Knock First Because There's Some Kind Of Weird Bear In There." - The Comedians
The Comedians, a short-lived FX comedy starring Billy Crystal and Josh Gad, didn’t get too much love when it was released in 2015, but that doesn’t mean the show wasn’t funny, because it was. There’s one scene where Crystal’s character invites Gad’s character over for dinner and tries to warn him about a series of disasters waiting to happen, including a bear. Yes, a real, “kind of weird” bear.
"I'm On Vacation, Ahhhh!" - City Slickers
City Slickers saw Billy Crystal perform a tremendous amount of physical comedy, especially when the cattle drive starts. This is where this hilarious and hilariously painful quote comes into play.
It’s safe to say that Billy Crystal has given audiences some of the most outrageous, unforgettable, and hilarious quotes over the years. And who knows what could have been if he had been on SNL for more than one season?
