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Everything Wrong With Noah In One 13 Minute Diatribe

Noah divided audiences and critics alike upon its release. While some saw Darren Aronofsky’s biblical epic as an intimate, art-house blockbuster, others simply believed that it was a convoluted nonsense. CinemaSins are here to help the naysayers with a 13-minute video that explains everything that’s wrong with Noah. You can check out their issues below.

According to CinemaSins, Noah ultimately committed 131 offenses. But what were its biggest flaws? Well, there was actually quite a lot to pick from, so you better strap in. First of all, Russell Crowe’s Noah was so adept at doing battle with Tubal-Cain’s men that he managed to eclipse the fighting skills of both Jason Bourne and Gladiator’s Maximus. This is despite the fact that he is supposed to have been lifted straight from the bible.

But there’s more. Plenty more. In fact, Noah should have really come to an early and grisly death in the early stages of the film. When Ray Winstone’s Tubal-cain ends up killing Noah’s father, Lamech, he later declares that he only didn’t kill Noah too because of the future ark-builder’s immense hiding prowess. However, the below image will show you exactly where Noah ended up hiding from the army of people that ended up murdering his father.

I’m far from an expert hide-and-seek player, but I’m pretty confident that even I could have noticed the boy hiding behind a teeny-tiny rock. Another big sin to emerge from the move was basically anything that involved Anthony Hopkins’ Methuselah. Noah’s grand-father not only roofies his own grand-son, but he then doesn’t provide any instructions for how to use the all-powerful seed that immediately grows a forest in one fell swoop. Luckily, Noah was able to correctly guess what he was supposed to do with this seed and thus he was provided with the materials for his ark.

But that doesn’t really explain why it took eight years for Noah to build his ark. Especially when he had the huge rock-angel-things helping him out along the way too. Those lazy swines were also shown to be sleeping on the job for parts of the movie too. You just can’t get the staff. There are plenty more oversights to the film that the video reveals. Despite these issues, Noah, for the most part, was still an intriguing and pulsating take on the biblical tale. Plus it also taught us that Noah invented wine, getting drunk and taking a nude-walks on the beach too. Where was that in the bible?