Little Kid Suspended For Brazen Use Of Lord Of The Rings Magic

In these darkest of times, it appears that a newly discovered threat has arisen plunging all of mankind into a state of catatonic fear from which there is no recovery—a ring! To be precise, the ring to which we are referring is The One Ring, crafted by the Dark Lord Sauron in the molten mass of Mount Doom, infused with his cruelty, malice and desire to dominate all life into this sinister bit of bling. Yes, this living embodiment of pure evil was found… in a Texas elementary school, brought in by a fourth-grader who just wanted to show his friends. Now, that boy (unless he’s a dark sorcerer in disguise,) is in perilous waters deeper than the Dead Marshes with his school district. Scandalous!

According to Odessa American, a Kermit, Texas, fourth-grader (aka, public enemy number one..ring) named Aiden Steward brought a Hobbit-esque replica of the ring to class, claiming it could make a classmate disappear. This was perceived by those in charge of the school as "a threat," putting young Mr. Steward in a bit of a predicament, resulting in him actually being removed from school. (Because the unfathomable power of The One Ring is best quarantined.) So, what’s all the hoopla about? Well, if you ask me, it’s about the safety of Middle-ear…I mean, Texas. As Aiden’s father, Jason tells the NY Daily News:

I assure you my son lacks the magical powers necessary to threaten his friend’s existence. If he did, I'm sure he'd bring him right back.

However, the school district isn’t buying it, as little Aiden remains suspended for his act of pseudo-magical mischief. So, how did this all come about, you may ask?

Having just gotten around to seeing the final part of Peter Jackson’s latest Middle Earth film trilogy, The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (which just hit the $900 million mark), Jason was left excited and enthused about the film; specifically regarding the magic ring, which has the effect of rending its wearer invisible, found by Bilbo Baggins in the first Hobbit film. Of course, fans of The Lord of the Rings trilogy will know this piece of jinxed jewelry turns out to be the most powerful and reviled magical object in Middle-earth, The One Ring. (aka, The Ring of Power, The Weapon of the Enemy or Isildur’s Bane.) Likewise, little Jason would bring his toy replica of said ring to school and, in an act of seemingly innocent role-playing fantasy, told a male classmate that his ring could make him "disappear." From that point on, history was made and the school principal caught wind of this nefarious of acts, prompting its proliferation further up the food chain to the superintendent. Yes, these mindful folks in the Kermit School District are keenly aware of the fact that magic rings are not to be trifled with.

As of now, the perpetrator of this most heinous of crimes, 9-year-old Aiden Steward, remains suspended from his school, where he now sits at home, prevented from conjuring malevolent magical curses upon his enemies. Thank you, Kermit School District, you’ve given America another valuable win.