Too lazy to read all the wonderful news our insightful crew scours the globe to bring you every day? Too outmoded to have an MP3 player for the podcast? Shame on you all! However, being the generous lot we are, welcome to news:blended, your weekly guide to the most interesting stories reported on Cinema Blend over the last seven days.
This week included the infamous April Fool’s Day. It’s a day when everyone lies to everyone else and justifies it. Not unlike being in Congress. A bunch of true stuff also happened this week, some of it mildly interesting.
SATURDAY
Just kidding.
The Grand director can speak in words.
The fact that Hayden Christensen can’t act his way out of a wet paper bag with a steak knife is not enough to keep him from getting cast in movies. Some dubious website was propagating a rumor that he was going to play Superman in JLA. It turned out to be false, I bet that website is embarrassed. What? Oh….uh….hey, look over there! It’s the director of the ad-lib poker spoof, The Grand being interviewed. Nothing to see over here folks.
SUNDAY
Forest to world: Wild Things Are doesn’t suck.
Hancock was here….and destroyed my house.
The word from Where the Wild Things Are is that it’s too scary for the target audience, kids. Or maybe it’s not too scary. Forest Whitaker took his kids and they seemed fine according to Forest. He doesn’t have any problem with the movie and the fact that he is in it doesn’t influence his opinion at all. Forest isn’t in Hancock, it’s the other famous black actor. No, not Samuel L. Jackson, the other one. The media deluge for Hancock is starting slow with the whole viral thing. I can’t wait until that fad peters out.
MONDAY
Our Dallas based web site covers Dallas based movie festivals.
It’s another movie about zombie strippers.
Our intrepid editor, Josh Tyler, covered the AFI Dallas International Film Festival all week. There were some good reasons for this. He lives in Dallas and runs a movie blog/website/media empire built on movies and other entertainment. Plus he wasn’t that busy. Hopefully whoever decided to star a porn actress and Freddy Krueger in a movie about zombie strippers will not be busy in the future either.
TUESDAY
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
How exactly will this enlarge my penis?
Tuesday was April Fool’s Day, so I immediately did not believe anything I saw or heard. I constantly ran red lights just in case someone was trying to fool me into stopping. When I get my car out of the body shop, I plan on going back to stopping at those lights. We didn’t play along with the fooling here on the site, we just collected other fooling stories and also reported on a Dark Knight promotion. The promotion gave some people a bowling ball. Makes sense to me.
Hayden Panettiere is not fat, but she could be fat, if she were fatter.
Like Striperella, but without the stripping.
An article about how Hayden Panettiere is going to star in a bad movie somehow devolved into a discussion on if she is “chubby” and if Heroes is a good show. The actual answers are no and no. Stan Lee isn’t chubby either. I wonder if he works out. He might not have time as he’s developed three franchise properties for the fine people at Disney. I’m sure none of them will be actual franchises, but a movie might get made. .
THURSDAY
We exploit free labor!
Meet the new idiots, different than the old idiots.
The great thing about being a Cinema Blend reader is that we might make you do our job for us for free. One of our loyal readers saw War, Inc., a John Cusack satire about war and the high price of toner cartridges, and treated us to a review. He was paid with our hearty thanks. Actually, not even that hearty. We also didn’t have much hearty appreciation for word of a new Bill and Ted movie that won’t have Alex Winter and that other guy. They are going to “update” the movie with a new cast and a modern sensibility. That’s code for “sucky.”
FRIDAY
It’s funny and hopefully not offensively racist.
Shia ignores “important” movies for more cheap thrills.
The first time I heard about the movie Tropic Thunder, I had two simultaneous and opposing reactions. Jack Black, yeah; Ben Stiller, boo. I actually booed in my own head. After seeing the posters, I have the same reaction but added an uncomfortable chuckle at seeing Robert Downey, Jr. Am I supposed to think that’s funny? I don’t think Shia LaBeouf is going to be funny in his follow-up to Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Whatever. He looks like he’s on the run with a hot chick. Again.
That’s all for another week of news blending. It’s like what you get at Jamba Juice, but cheaper and not quite as healthy. If you liked it or didn’t, leave some feedback.
