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You know how when your job wants to show off a new project, your bosses get you to go on TV to take part in a cow-milking contest with The Tonight Show's Jimmy Fallon? No? Perhaps that situation is specific to actor Ashton Kutcher, who is on the promotional campaign for his hit Netflix comedy The Ranch, which will be releasing Season 4 Part 1 (or Part 7) on Friday.
Check out the video below, in which Ashton Kutcher admits that he has no idea how to milk a cow. And be warned...there is cow poop involved, though thankfully not mixed in with the milk.
For this to have been a supreme tie-in activity for The Ranch, Jimmy Fallon and his Tonight Show squad should have gotten a cow that was actually filled with ranch dressing, so that they could have milked that out. On second thought, that almost sounds more disgusting than what was actually shown. Almost.
Ashton Kutcher was initially taken aback (even though he almost definitely had an inkling of what would be happening when he hit the stage), but despite some initial hesitance, he seemed ready to take the plunge, as it were. After all, this challenge had a pretty ridiculous wager riding on it. Per Jimmy Fallon:
Loser has to personally go up to everyone in the audience and say, 'I'm sorry I didn't milk the cow better.'
I laughed more at that line than anything else in the clip, admittedly. I like considering the absurdity of the rest of this Tonight Show episode being delayed because Ashton Kutcher had to tirelessly step from audience member to audience member while offering remorseful admissions about his deficient milking skills. Feels more like an Eric Andre Show move.
So yes, for anyone who didn't get to watch the entire video, Ashton Kutcher ended up losing to Jimmy Fallon in the end, with the Tonight Show host getting more milk out of his cow. Maybe it helped that Fallon's hands were a little colder than those of Kutcher, who kindly warmed his mitts up first.
It's possible Ashton Kutcher did udderly too good a job getting his hands ready for the milking, because right after he touched the cow's side, the animal let loose with a most heinous excretion. As Kutcher so eloquently put it, "My cow just dropped a deuce, dude." Guys, this reminds me of so many birthday parties from my youth. Wait, no, it doesn't.
As gross as that whole incident was, Kutcher got the second biggest laugh out of me when he shared the following update about the cow's stomach issues:
'I mean it's loose, too, bud. She's nervous.'
This is exactly what people end up watching late night talk shows for, right? Maybe not. I mean, maybe if Kutcher's The Ranch co-star Sam Elliot was around to narrate, and if there was some bowling involved, dude.
And don't forget to tune into The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon every weeknight on NBC, with select episodes airing directly after Sunday Night Football, which should help the ratings a bit.