Jersey Shore Watch: Gorillas In The Mist

Last Week on The Jersey Shore: Miami is home to broken hearts and active libidos. Ronnie makes out with anything that moves, which may or may not have included the house mailbox, and JWoww and Snooki decide to send an anonymous letter to Sammi about it. The letter is written. There is much giggling. We are left wondering if the letter will be delivered...

This week:...And we are not left wondering for very long. Angelina washes her hands of the whole mess. We curiously watch JWoww push her breasts together for about five minutes, like she's trying to make orange juice. Snooki and JWoww hit the clubs...and are thrilled to discover it's gay pride week in Miami. The girls feel right at home being ignored by gorgeous, cut, overly tan boys (SUCH SUBTEXT!) and relax immediately. They go home. JWoww threatens to pee herself. None of us are surprised. Snooki calls her ex Emilio and tells her about her new gay friends. JWoww explains that it's gay parade week. She's misspeaking, but she's actually kinda right. Snooki explains how gay sex works...and she's definitely renting the wrong (or right) adult films, because she gets it pretty much on the nose. She then breaks up with Emilio...again. Didn't this happen last week? JWoww applauds, either because she's proud of Snooki or relieved that her adult diapers do, in fact, work.

Meanwhile in Situationland: He's brought home two girls, One he considers hot; the other he deems a hippopotamus. He and Pauly plan a radical hippopotamusectomy and bring two separate girls to the other side of the house. An elaborate plot is hatched in which the aforementioned hippo-lady (who seems awfully cute to me) is left in Ronnie's room to take a nap. The Situation then takes the remaining girl into "the smash room" where he...situates her. I really hope she's got stock in Purel. Morning comes. There's girls in every bed, and new itching sensations where there was once nothing but peace. Angelina is proclaimed dish-doing-wench in her absence. Cleaning arguments reach a head until The Sitch and Angelina are all shouty. I sort of want these two to just make out and make out and make out until they pass out due to chafing. Yawn. JWoww and Snooki go for a walk, and it's sort of looks like that guy and his little friend from Fantasy Island. Snooki is fraught with emotion over their letter-writing scheme. They hug. An indie ballad plays. Passerby wonder why that poor oompa-loompa is stuck to a trashy-looking girl. And the world goes round...

And The Sitch and Angelina cook dinner and apologize to one another. The Situation pulls her into his chest and she considers suckling on his teat of forgiveness. She quickly reconsiders, and everyone sits down for ravioli night. Snooki looks all sad; she's like a sunset-colored Wednesday Addams. Pauly talking-heads to us that it's because of Emilio. Snooki, listen: if you're going to date a gorilla, expect a little poo to be flung. Know what I'm saying? Good. Snooki decides on an Emilio-purge, and sets fire to a bunch of pictures. Everyone watches. Sammi looks like she's going to vomit, which could be for about three hundred different reasons, but is most likely due to inhaling the fumes of burning photographs.

MOMENT OF TRUTH: JWoww and Snooki decide to deliver their letter of doom. Operation: Special Delivery commences. And here's where things get interesting--the show sort of morphs into a weird, trashy version of Crime and Punishment, where Snooki and JWoww's guilt begins to consume their very souls. Delicious. Sammi discovers the note...and shares her discovery with Vinny. It's all very Scooby-Doo (guess which one's the dog). Pauly's brought in next, and Sammi asks if what's described in the letter actually happened. Pauly says no...but the CLEVER EDITOR prooves him a liar by showing our friend Ronnie making out with all sorts of greasy young ladies! Ruh-Roh, Raggy.

Snooki and JWoww are all "we have to get out of here." Snooki tells us that they need to escape the drama...that they admittedly caused. It's a rare moment of self-awareness for her, and, like when the sun shines through a raging hurricane of sewage, it's a moment of brief, shining relief. Vinny, through elaborate sign language, explains the whole series of events to Ronnie. It's a little too much like a conversation with that talking gorilla from the movie Congo. It gets very elaborate; I'm pretty sure Vinny tells Ronnie to bunt, or something.

Sammi shows Ronnie the letter. Ronnie immediately pegs it on JWoww, due to the advanced vocabulary. NCIS, this crew is not. Ronnie goes to Sammi and goes through the list of offenses: He admits to several instances of groping, motorboating, and general himbo-ing, but denies cardinal offenses such as hand-holding. Sammi rejects him. The rest of the gang continues to Scooby-Doo their way through the (non)mystery of who wrote the letter. Ronnie tells us he's not stupid (show, don't tell, Ron. We'll believe you when you can do that, kay?). The fight continues. Sammi asks Ronnie if he's made out with anyone. He says no. CLEVER EDITOR STRIKES AGAIN as we ump-ss-ump-ss-ump-ss our way through a "Ronnie gets his tonsils hammered" montage of making out. Sammi says "WE'RE DONE" for the 347,622nd time this season, but this time she means it because she's wearing her say-something glasses. She then transforms into a snotty mess and blows her nose into her comforter. Uhm. Hygiene, girl. Seriously.

From a safe distance, JWoww and Snooki call the house. Sammi answers. Awk-ward. Sammi asks if they wrote the letter. JWoww denies, denies, denies and we watch a piece of her soul die. Snooki then continues the lie and turns a paler shade of orange. Okay, seriously, ladies. You know you're on film. Eventually, the truth is going to come out. This is just a cry for help. The girls return home. Snooki and JWoww feign innocence and read the letter. The Situation joins them and gives us the audio-book version. Sammi confronts them again; the girls finger Angelina (figuratively...) as the writer of the letter.

The boys discuss events. Ronnie remains certain that the Snooki-JWoww consortium dropped the letter. Sammi ENDS IT. Again. Ronnie calls his home-town girl and begins to initiate what looks an awful lot like phone sex. Sammi barges in, wearing an itty-bitty dress that looks like she's either headed to the red light district or the OB/GYN. Sammi calls him stupid, and dumb, and selfish, and then pulls out a thesaurus and continues the barrage. Ronnie hugs his pillow and goes fetal. There's a stuffed puppy on his bed, too, which makes this even more upsetting. Sammi threatens to cut him, which seems very New Jersey to me, until I realize she's speaking in metaphors. And then everyone goes to bed. The end.

Next week's haiku:

Snooki cooks and humps;

Jwoww and Angelina

Go at it (meow! hiss!).

See you next week, lovelies. Remember: Watching this show hurts them more than it hurts you.