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Deadpool is good at a lot of things. Killing bad guys, making random yet hilarious quips, breaking the fourth wall, eating chimichangas…okay, that last one doesn't require a lot of talent. However, if there’s one thing that Wade Wilson is especially horrible at, it’s giving advice. Oh, in his head he believes it’s one of his top talents, but it’s the rest of us that suffer in the process. Nevertheless, that hasn’t stopped him from providing his own hilarious tidbits about life improvement to those in need on his new show.
After commenting on how hard it is for him to pleasure himself to the Ken Burns documentary The Roosevelts, Deadpool (of course played by Ryan Reynolds) and his buddy Weasel (played by T.J. Miller) kicked off their show, Dear Deadpool: An Experience with Wade Wilson, sponsored by Mike’s Harder Lemonade. The first question came from Mary, whose son’s girlfriend wanted to cook Thanksgiving dinner. The problem is, this girlfriend isn’t "good in the kitchen," so Mary wanted to know how to give helpful advice without "offending her pride." Oblivious to what Weasel just read, Deadpool instead explained how he would assault a compound at night, opting for knives rather than projectile weapons. Yeah, so, stabbing someone in their chest cavity probably isn’t going to help with basting a turkey or preparing mashed potatoes.
Next up, Patrick wanted to know how late after a wedding is it still acceptable to give a gift. Once again, Deadpool ignored the problem at hand, instead explaining what to do when getting caught up in a "turf war between two hard-swinging crews." When someone is moving in on your territory, the Merc with the Mouth has three easy steps: hit first, hit hard and find the top boss (rather than deal with the flunkies) to kill him and his heirs, the latter so that a Count of Monte Cristo situation is avoided. At this point, it’s clear Weasel regrets helping out with Dear Deadpool and desperately wants an out.
Finally, Carol wanted to know how to deal with a neighbor who continually trespassed on her property, specifically which 9 mm ammunition to use. Rather than tell this woman how best to keep her neighbor from getting back up, Deadpool stayed true to his contrarian roots and instead explained how to make great potpourri. The key is to handle your herbs and flowers very carefully so as not to bruise them. That being the final straw, Weasel calmly says that they won’t be doing this again, so tough luck for those of you who wanted a second season of Deadpool giving unhelpful advice.
If you want to learn more about how Wade Wilson lives his crazy life, Deadpool is screening in theaters worldwide, and we’ll see more of his shenanigans in the near future when Deadpool 2 is released.