One Sheet Wonders

Posters exist for movies that are coming out some time soon. We have them. We keep them to ourselves, but take pictures of them to prove to you that they actually exist. Then I make fun of them. This week we get to determine just what exactly Maria is "full" of.

Bill claims the trailer for Shark Tales shows promise. I haven’t seen it yet but what I can tell you is that every stitch of advertising material we’ve seen for it looks weirdly amateurish. At least this poster has some fish on it. The first one was mostly text. But the characters look barely better than that silly squirrel from Ice Age. No wait; this movie must be good because that fish in the middle there… look at him… he’s up to something. I bet it might be something funny.

Maria seems to be staring at that priest somewhat inappropriately in the poster for Maria Full of Grace. Touting the “based on 1000 true stories”, you can bet this won’t be a particularly uplifting story. After all, it won prestigious prizes. Fun movies don’t get to stamp awards on their posters. These days, any time the Catholic Church gets involved, nothing good can come of it.

Here's a midly amusing widget: John Travolta is stinking up this poster for Ladder 49. Is he really a box office draw? At this point, shouldn’t people be running away from any movie sporting his face? Hasn’t he used up all the goodwill he garnered from Pulp Fiction yet? Joaquin Phoenix is too fine an actor to be stuck hanging out below Travolta’s massive chin. Alas, their bond was forged by fire, which is code for Joaquin signed on to the film before he knew Travolta was in it and when he found out couldn’t get out of it.

So apparently the poster artist for Collateral doesn’t buy Tom Cruise’s silvery hair any more than I do. For the poster he’s given him more of a salt and pepper brown. It’s as if Tom’s character from The Firm wandered in and sat down in the wrong movie and had a handgun shoved in his lap. He seems like he’d rather hide it under his chair than hold it. But no Tom Cruise movie is complete unless it boasts an obligatory poster sporting his profile. Contractual obligations completed for Collateral.