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TV Recap: Nip Tuck – Allegra Calderello

It’s the return of Pussy Lips! Allegra Calderello, a meek housewife who received a vaginal transplant to save her severely burned mouth (and inspired a hilarious performance by Jennifer Coolidge’s Candy Richards on Hearts N’ Scalpels), revisits the offices of McNamara/Troy for additional work at the request of her husband. Mr. C. has “The Big C” and insists his wife needs a lot of work if she’s to land another man after he’s gone. The mention of cancer and making preparations to take care of loved ones after death motivates Christian to think about a future without him and what needs to be done before he’s gone too.

Lizzy is living every little straight girl’s dream as she prepares for her wedding to Christian. Her mother arrives in town with the gaudy, ivory lace gown she wore to her own wedding decades ago, finally able to hand down the dress to her daughter. After coming out to her mother in her youth, Liz dashed any hopes Mama Cruz ever had of seeing this day. But that’s still no excuse for her nasty attitude. She’s a Latina Archie Bunker, a huge homophobe who keeps putting her daughter down and refusing to believe that Lizzy and Christian are legit. Despite the impending nuptials, she will always see Liz as her flannel-wearing, lesbiana ugly duckling. But at least they have tradition. Unfortunately, tradition comes in the form of a hideous, too-tight dress. Liz decides it’s time for that breast reduction.

Christian breaks the news to Sean that it’s time to hire a replacement surgeon for the practice. Dr. Logan Taper looks good on paper: graduated with honors from UCLA; interned at Cedars Sinai; a distinguished residency at the Joseph M. Still Burn Center in Augusta; and guest editor for the MJM. Add to that he loves the ladies. But he’s kind of creepy and he keeps fondling the furniture. He could never replace Christian, and Sean agrees; he allows Dr. Taper to join him for Allegra’s brow lift, breast implants and lipo, and even lets him tag along to the strip club to scout out a location for Christian’s bachelor party. But Sean still can’t make room for a new partner and say goodbye to his best friend of 20 years. Neither can we!

Christian performs his last surgery: Liz’s breast reduction. She wants to shrink from melons to mangoes, but he decides on her behalf that D’s are good enough to keep things interesting. Mama Cruz loves that her son-in-law has such skills, but she’s a teeny bit jealous. She tries to stir up some trouble between Liz and Christian, pointing out how inconsiderate and controlling he seems and Lizzy takes the bait. At least until Christian makes up for the faux pas by presenting her with a gorgeous new designer wedding dress. Screw tradition!

Sean finally agrees that Dr. Taper is a fine choice to take over Christian’s surgical duties, although he does find it unsettling that Christian has already given him a key to his office. Dr. Troy may not be dead yet, but he has no time to waste. He’s got some living to do before he dies: getting married, spending quality time with Wilbur, and stuffing his face on fine Italian cuisine in Italia – ‘nuff said, do your thing. They drop by Dr. Taper’s new office to welcome him to the practice, but when they open the door they get a strange surprise. The creep has stripped naked and is having sex with the couch. No, not on the couch. With the couch. He claims to suffer from objectum sexuality, a very real condition in which a person forms relationships with, and feels sexual attraction toward, common objects. Like furniture. Wow. An Ethan Allen-inspired version of Equus!

Allegra’s surgery is a complete success. But before she even finishes healing, Mr. C. tries to sell her to the highest bidder, their hometown butcher Tito. She’s insulted that hubby’s treating her like a piece of lamb shank, but brightens considerably when he later apologizes…and introduces her to Anthony, a classier, younger and much more handsome choice of future mate. It’s sad he knows he’s going to die and that his wife may one day get on with her life, but seeing Allegra leave the hospital arm-in-arm with her new man is nice retribution for Mr. C. being such a dick. And it’s too funny that he still doesn’t know he’s been kissing pussy lips.

Liz continues living the hetero bride’s dream by having a bridal shower with her best girlfriends (some of whom have really been her girlfriends). Mama Cruz makes snide remarks and insults her lesbian friends, and Liz lets them slide at first. Then she breaks down and confesses to the group that Christian is dying. Finally Mama understands why a handsome, successful plastic surgeon would agree to marry her ugly duckling and Lizzy blows up; she lets out all of the sadness and anger she’s felt through the years, tells her mother to leave the party, and withdraws her invitation to the wedding. Later, Christian reminds her that she’ll need her mother after he’s gone, I guess for household help or comfort. But I say, hire a maid and get a cat!

As with all true-blue Nip/Tuck fans, Sean too is grief-stricken at the thought of losing Christian. On top of Julia and his kids, he’s just another person he loves that he’ll have to bid goodbye. Teddy vows to never leave him alone. Too bad, ‘cause I can’t stand her.

Next Week: Season finale?! Er, the end of the season after 8 episodes?! I don’t get it…

Ed. Note: The reason this season feels so short, Nip/Tuck fans, is because the producers decided to continue the season that was cut short by the writer's strike rather than start anew.