The White Lotus: Sicily came to its deadly conclusion this past Sunday, which means vacation is over and it’s time to pack up our bags. Unless you’ve been watching from home in the midwest like me—then it’s currently snowing outside and you haven’t actually gone on vacation at all.
It’s a bitter 33°F outside, so I’m daydreaming about dipping my toes in the Mediterranean Sea with the characters of The White Lotus Season 2. But now that I think about it, there are a few characters I’d want to take a holiday with a bit more than the others. Here’s my ranking of every character on White Lotus: Sicily, based on how much I’d want to vacation with them.
I really can’t with this girl. She’s getting paid to vacation in Sicily. Not to mention, I’m not sure what being Tanya’s “assistant” actually entails. It kinda seems like Portia (Unpregnant actor Haley Lu Richardson) gets paid to just be near Tanya. I haven’t seen her send a single email or join a single Zoom call.
At the end of the day, I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth—which is why Portia’s bummer attitude rubbed me the wrong way. For the love of god girl, try to find a silver lining.
The man with the most mid redemption arc of all time, Dominic Di Grasso, just barely escapes being the lowest-ranking character on the list. After pre-arranging escorts to meet him on his family vacation, Dom (The Sopranos actor Michael Imperioli) has the gall to call his estranged wife and insist he’s changed—and that’s all in the first episode.
Sure, Dom did become slightly less pathetic during the season, but he really only wants to “improve” himself for his own gain (getting his wife and family back). I really can’t be convinced Dom will ever be a good husband or travel buddy after hearing his wife (voiced by fellow Mike White collaborator, Laura Dern) screaming through the phone.
You know when one of your coworkers invites the boss to the bar after work? That’s what I think it would feel like to vacation with White Lotus manager Valentina (Sabrina Impacciatore). We’d be relaxing on the chaise lounges and I’d be feeling like I needed to get out my dustpan to sweep away all the sand.
I have to give Valentina credit for loosening up by the end of the season, but she still wouldn’t be my first choice for a vacay companion. I would let her plan my itinerary, though, and I’d let her take me out to dinner afterwards.
To be honest, I’d LOVE to go on vacation with Quentin (Tom Hollander). He’s charming, and definitely throws one hell of a party. But I really shouldn’t go on vacation with Quentin, because I’m pretty sure he’d be able to kidnap me. Let me explain: I fully believed he had Tanya’s best interests at heart. He seemed like such a good listener! I guess I should have picked up on the Madame Butterfly foreshadowing.
I don’t have any money, so it’s possible Quentin wouldn’t try to kidnap and murder me—but just to be safe, I think I’ll have to pass on the trip to Palermo.
My vacation vibe is NOT getting up to run at 5 a.m., which is why Ethan (Will Sharpe) ranks pretty low. Vacations are for rest and relaxation—why is this man waking up early to exercise?!
I also wasn’t a huge fan of Ethan’s angry-boy freak-out towards the end. I’m not sure how he justified being so mad at Harper, given his and Cameron’s night of debauchery several days prior. I mean, it’s not like he found a condom wrapper in their room or something…
I love Aubrey Plaza, which is probably most of the reason Harper makes it to #7. Despite being one of my favorite characters, she definitely didn’t seem to enjoy herself at the White Lotus. I’m worried if we go on a trip together and she’s having a bad time, then I’m going to have a bad time, too. Kind of like Ethan did.
Harper definitely did learn how to have some fun by the end, but I think I need to travel with people who are going to act like they actually like me. If we DID go to Sicily together, though, I’d be sure to hit up a lot of wineries.
To be clear, Theo James’ Cameron is NOT a good guy. But I’d be lying if I said he doesn’t know how to have a good time. Listen, sometimes on vacation I just want to get drunk!
Cameron and his wife, Daphne, have a rom-com-like romance vibe that kind of creeps me out, which does make him lose a few points, but I guess they are kind of cute if you don’t know about all the games that go on behind the scenes.
Literally always down to clown, Cameron is undeniably a life-of-the-party kind of guy. And while I’m not down for coveting my neighbor’s wife, I am down to get into some mischief. However, the cheating thing is kind of unforgivable, which stops Cameron from cracking the top five.
The goddess of The White Lotus herself, Tanya (played by Jennifer Coolidge, who won an Emmy for Season 1), arguably stole the show again this season with that big eleventh hour twist. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that I’d LOVE to vacation with Tanya (or Coolidge herself). The stipulation is that we could only go on a BFF girls trip—no husbands or mysterious mafia men allowed.
Tanya seems like one of those people who loses herself in relationships, so there would be a strict “no boys” rule on our vacation. I am slightly worried that she might spend the entire trip talking about herself, however, which is why she only ranks fifth.
Awww, Albie. So nice and so sweet. I would definitely vacation with Albie Di Grasso (Adam DiMarco); he seems like a genuine person who cares about others. But, also because he’s extremely rich and has no qualms about spending his dad’s money. Albie’s that guy who’s like, “Guys, it’s on me tonight,” and then whips out Dom’s AmEx. I’m all for it.
Albie is a little bit needy in the emotional department, but I could probably get past that for a free all-inclusive vacation.
It’s pretty obvious to me that I would not have gotten along with Bert Di Grasso in his heyday. If his son (Dom) is any indication of what he was like back then, I’d have to pass on spending any time with him.
However, present-day Bert is much more mild. While he seems to have white-washed the damage he did to his family in his own mind, as a result he’s a very friendly and well-mannered man. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that F. Murray Abraham plays him in such a likable way, but Bert also won major points in my book when he fought so hard to stop Lucia from leaving with Alessio.
Although he’s a little oblivious, I think Bert and I could have a nice time eating at the buffets, people-watching, and calling out Dom for being a POS.
2. Lucia & Mia
Nearly making the top of the list are Lucia (Simona Tabasco) and Mia (Beatrice Grannò). These ladies know how to party AND they know how to make money.
These are two girls who know they’re smarter than any man in the room and prove it all the time, but that’s not the only reason I’d want to vacation with them. They’re Sicilian—they know all the cool local spots to visit, and can help me stay out of the tourist trap-y areas. Do you think Lucia would let me borrow some of her clothes?
And these girls are smart—they swindled essentially every man at the resort and walked away scot-free. Mia almost committed manslaughter! How did she just get away with that?! Basically, they got to vacation at a luxury resort for free, and that’s right in my budget.
Coming in at number one on the list is Daphne, the queen of keeping the vibes peaceful and light. Daphne (Meghan Fahy) is one of the most curious characters of Season 2. NOTHING is going to ruin this girl’s vacation—and I mean nothing. Not even her husband.
I’m not sure if Daphne is a therapist’s dream or nightmare, but she has a talent for letting go of absolutely everything that doesn’t serve her. Cameron cheated? No, don’t think so. He did it again? Nah, I wouldn’t worry about it.
Between the never-ending positive vacation mood and whatever juicy ways Daphne finds to keep herself happy, I think vacation with her would be a straight up delight. Plus, I’m totally down for an overnight getaway to Noto.
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She/her. Lover of female-led comedies, Saturday Night Live, and THAT scene in Fleabag. Will probably get up halfway through the movie to add more butter to the popcorn.
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