Subscribe To New Leaked Jurassic World Brochures Reveal An Amusement Park Of Death Updates
I've already subscribed
So, they talked about how bad an idea it is, but Jurassic World finally features a fully-functional dinosaur park. The events of the first film, which killed several people, haven't been acknowledged. The T-Rex that rampaged through San Diego in The Lost World? Not a biggie. So what is this park going to be like? Photos have been spotted of Isla Nublar's Jurassic World that give us a slight peek at what's in store.
From Reddit (via MTV), we have our first glimpse at a brochure for those daring to tour Jurassic World. Apparently, FedEx is the sponsor signing off on all the merciless dinosaur-on-man death that's going to occur. FedEx – handling your packaging needs, and hoping to watch as a velociraptor tears your face off!
Holy crap, Starbucks is in on this too! So when these bracelets start malfunctioning, trapping Jurassic World visitors in a tight space with a clan of compsognathus, you'll have companies like Samsung to thank. If I could buy the world a Coke, that would be a ton of Coke bottles to throw at these rampaging gallimimus that are about to trample my ass.
Now we're talking. Full-on dino glimpses. They brought back the Tyrannosaur Paddock, because that caused just about NO issues last time. Hopefully the Gentle Giants Petting Zoo doesn't ACTUALLY have a triceratops. Those things can run like crazy and stab you hard with those horns. Along with the chance to "romp" with the gallimimus by car, this is kind of an encyclopedia of terrible, stupid things to do with dinosaurs. Extra points to the idiot who invented The Scrambler, however, which appears to be some fugazi-level amusement park ride that has nothing to do with dinosaurs. If it comes to sudden-death adventures with a long-extinct creature and getting on something that belongs next to a $5 Tilt-a-Whirl at the local fare, I know what I'm picking.
More rides! Apparently the Gyrosphere allows the Jurassic World people to be able to afford Jimmy Fallon. Oh great. Betting his "instructional video" involves Harrison Ford wearing a silly hat, or Elijah Wood playing Stratego with a dog or something. Maybe he sings. Oh god, maybe he sings!
Finally, the dinosaurs! It's good to know we're getting some old friends as well as new ones. Getting the vibe this Mosaurus is going to be a big breakout star of this movie. And we haven't gotten nearly enough stegosaurus in these films. Appreciate the warning, which reads, "PLEASE do not tap on the glass, cross barriers, throw anything into the exhibits, make excessive noise, tease or call out to the animals." Basically, if you bring your child to Jurassic World, it's because you hate them and want them to be eaten.
Jurassic World eats kids on June 12th, 2015.