The Hilarious Wedding Vows Amy Schumer Made To Her New Husband

Amy Schumer in Trainwreck

Nobody expected Amy Schumer to have conventional wedding vows. The raunchy comedienne likes keeping people on their toes, and that was certainly the case for those in attendance for her surprise nuptials a couple weeks ago. As the Inside Amy Schumer figurehead admitted in a recent interview, it didn't take long for her professions of love to turn R-rated. Be prepared for some pretty coarse utterances of love from this point.

As Amy Schumer discussed with fellow comedian Nikki Glaser on her Sirius XM series, You Up with Nikki Glaser (via E!), the Trainwreck actress/writer opted not to go the traditional route when reading her vows to her new husband, chef Chris Fischer. Instead, Schumer kept it real all the way through. And apparently so did her new husband. Maybe a little too real, according to the comedian, as she claims there was even a little bit of "heckling" by her boo. But Schumer says she was ultimately moved by what her new husband had to say about his famous wife, and she was left stunned by his own words.

Mine sucked! I thought mine were good, I wrote mine in like, 20 minutes. I was crying when I wrote them, but his blew me out of the water so hard... In my vows I go, 'But I promise I'll keep going down on you, even though everyone tells me I won't.' And his were like, heckling me too. He was like, 'The other day I lost a tennis match and you called me a fucking loser.' It was all like, awful shit.

Some of that "awful shit" in question might've even crossed the line a little bit for the unreserved comedian. But Amy Schumer is happy to report them back to the public -- no matter how weird and bizarre they might make her seem. After all, she's a married lady now. All bets are finally off.

All his stories about me that were supposed to be endearing were about me screaming at him... I just annoy him all day. I'll be like, 'Do you want to play a game?' and he's like, 'What?' And I'm like, 'Guess how many times I sneezed today?' And like, that'll be the game. And he'll be like, 'Three.' And I'll be like, 'Don't remember!' And he's like, 'I'm spending my life with this worthless monster?'

Nikki Glaser was quick to point out, however, that Amy Schumer did have some nice, PG-friendly jokes in her speech as well. It wasn't all crass talk.

I remember a joke from yours... You go, 'You make me laugh , you make me smile, you make me feel loved, you make me food.'

So, at least there was a joke or two that everyone could appreciate in the crowd. Of course, the wedding wasn't actually about the attendees. It was for Amy Schumer and Chris Fisher, and the funny lady is feeling pretty great about her recent marriage. Schumer and Fischer married close to Valentine's Day after only recently making their relationship public a day or two before. The comedian and the chef were only dating for a few months when they decided to tie the knot, and Schumer believes that only adds to their love. While being single was a big part of her stand-up comedy, she is still in a fine state of bliss.

It feels fucking good! ... I'm a wife as hell. But it's still, like, a novelty. Somebody went to sit next to [Chris] and he's like, 'My wife is sitting here,' and then I got back and he was excited to tell me that he said that. I just have been really overusing it to a degree that's insane. Like, when it's completely uncalled for.

We're happy that Amy Schumer is still feeling so confident in her love, and we're glad that -- even with her status changed from single to taken -- she still knows how to be herself. Here's to the happy (and unconventional) couple! Mazel tov!

Will Ashton

Will is an entertainment writer based in Pittsburgh, PA. His writing can also be found in The Playlist, Cut Print Film, We Got This Covered, The Young Folks, Slate and other outlets. He also co-hosts the weekly film/TV podcast Cinemaholics with Jon Negroni and he likes to think he's a professional Garfield enthusiast.