Most twelve-year-old boys like to think of themselves as smooth, sexually sophisticated ladies men, at least if they were put in the right situation. I know this because I was once a twelve-year-old boy with plenty of male twelve-year-old friends and all of us talked out of our asses about how great we would be with a girl if we were given the chance. Well, if this story proves anything, it’s that many twelve-year-olds are not ready, regardless of what they might tell you.
Earlier this month, forty-two-year-old former Tennessee Titans cheerleader Elizabeth Garner was arrested for following a twelve-year-old boy into a bathroom during a party, grabbing his penis and asking if he’d ever been with a woman before. She then apparently tried to remove his shorts to give him a blowjob, but rather than going with it, he decided to run away and tell his mother, who immediately called the police.
According to TMZ, Garner told the responding officers that she was very intoxicated and thought the unidentified minor was at least eighteen. She was charged with aggravated sexual battery and solicitation of a minor child for rape. Assumedly, she received plenty of death stares from her husband too.
Whether rightly or wrongly (I say rightly), society collectively views older women attempting to seduce underage boys as an offense far less serious than older men trying to do the same to young girls. In fact, it’s the stuff of screwball comedies rather than horrifying news reports. That being said, twelve is still too young. If this kid was sixteen and a hot older cheerleader came on to him, he should be man enough to either go with it or politely thank her for her interest and move on without telling his mother.
If convicted, Garner could face up to eight years in prison, and this boy could face a lifetime of jokes from his buddies, many of whom, let’s face it, would have run and told their moms too. Here’s to hoping this poor kid’s life, over the next few years, will start to resemble more of a classic teen comedy than a Cate Blanchette movie.
Enthusiastic about Clue, case-of-the-week mysteries, the NBA and cookies at Disney World. Less enthusiastic about the pricing structure of cable, loud noises and Tuesdays.
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