Gwyneth Paltrow Says You Need To Steam Your Vagina Because Pseudoscience

Listen up, ladies. You might think you take care of yourself. You might think you’re well groomed and as fresh as possible, but thanks to noted eccentric Gwyneth Paltrow, we now know you’re almost certainly filthy and slowing dying from toxin build-up. Why? Because you’re not getting regular $50 vagina steams, and as a result, your uterus isn’t cleansed. How embarrassing.

The actress wrote about the steam cleanse over on her Goop blog in a larger post celebrating the new Korean spa Tikkun, which is located in Los Angeles, of course. Paltrow is apparently a huge fan of their practices. They combine “high-tech far infrared heat” with more traditional Korean sauna therapies, and it is supposedly just wild. In fact, the sauna is outfitted with Himalayan salt brick, which is apparently a material that we should like. If we’re being honest, it sounds delightful, but according to Gwyneth, it’s utter shit compared to those aforementioned vagina steams.

Here’s what the Mortdecai star had to say…

We’re burying the lede though, because the real golden ticket here is the Mugworth V-Steam: You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.

Even better, every steam comes with a healthy dose of pseudoscience too. So, while that air is flowing through every hole in your body, you can also pretend it’s doing complicated things with toxins, curing Postpartum Depression, helping with infertility and of course, burning fat. Isn’t that just delightful? And don’t worry gentlemen. There’s a steam for you too. It’s called the A Steam, and it’s GREAT for the anus.

You can catch Gwyneth Paltrow in some upcoming Marvel movies or waist deep in a weird fad somewhere in Los Angeles.

Mack Rawden
Editor In Chief

Enthusiastic about Clue, case-of-the-week mysteries, a great wrestling promo and cookies at Disney World. Less enthusiastic about the pricing structure of cable, loud noises and Tuesdays.