Spoilers below for the first two episodes of Yellowstone Season 4, so be warned if you haven’t yet partaken in the extended premiere.
Going into Yellowstone’s big and bullet-ridden return to Paramount Network for Season 4, fans were already aware of at least two certainties locked in place. One, the premiere would reveal the fates of John, Beth, Kayce and Jimmy after that hectic Season 3 finale, and two, the premiere would feature some of the most ferocious and lethal lines of dialogue on either side of the Mississippi. Thankfully, neither one of those expectations was bucked.
Along with all of the big reveals and interesting developments that were seeded in to set up the rest of the season, Yellowstone gifted viewers with some truly delectable quotes from Kelly Reilly, Kevin Costner, Cole Hauser and others. Not all of them are meant for everyday use around the house, and some only work in very, very specific circumstances, but they were all A+ moments within the episodes “Half the Money” and “Phantom Pain.” So let’s kick things off with a classic bit of uncorked Rip Wheeler.
1. “Every-fucking-where, Kayce!”
When time is of the essence, and one doesn’t have the seconds to spare to make a list of each and every spot where one’s boss has been shot, the best move to make is dropping an F-bomb to underscore the severity of the situation. Luke Grimes’ Kayce Dutton, having just survived an attack of his own, also survived the first lesson in The Syllabus of Rip, where the “S” in Syllabus stands for “Shut the fuck up, Kayce.”
2. “I am the rock therapists break themselves against.”
Nearly 100% of the time when Beth Dutton is engaged in a conversation, she is holding the reins, the wheel, the registration, the deed, etc. Yet she had to play things more by ear upon meeting Finn Little’s li’l ruffian Carter, whose age she completely misinterpreted, which may or may not offer insight into Beth’s more chaotic brain patterns. In any case, Beth certainly didn’t dumb down her side of the conversation, and whipped out this doozy of a quote after the 14-year-old asked if she was a therapist. I’m not saying I would want in on Beth’s therapy sessions, but I’m not not saying it.
3. “Maggie, you’re fired.”
There was something so painful and still amusing about John Dutton’s inability to give in to accepting medical help upon returning home from his hospitalized recovery. (Watching him get awkwardly carried up the stairs brought to mind Friends’ classic “Pi-vot!” scene.) So as soon as the exceedingly chipper nurse Maggie started her Stepford-esque spiel, all the alarm bells started going off, but rather than extending that unavoidably uncomfortable patient-caretaker relationship, Yellowstone cut that shit short with John’s brevity-minded declaration that Maggie’s services would no longer be needed. (Even if they probably were needed, it’s more fun this way.)
4. “Smart bird.”
Nobody handles wind chimes like a stressed-out Beth Dutton, which is to say with both barrels blasting. Kelly Reilly’s “don’t fuck with me” energy is so strong in the role that it makes a nearby bird think twice before coming around here with all its damned tweet-tweet noise. I don’t even know if birds are capable of that kind of thought process, but I’d imagine even a picture of a bird would get nervous when Beth is holding a firearm.
5. “I am threatening the whole fuckin’ state.”
In case it hasn’t been made clear yet, Beth is already ruling the shit out of Season 4, at least in terms of dialogue delivered with hellfire embedded between the letters. Even after her soul-crushing threat to remove Wes Bentley’s Jamie from existence — never mind her misguided accusations against him — she followed up on his meek warning with the line above coming out as an expertly restrained roar that could have feasibly torn Jamie’s office in half if Beth had unleashed her full fury. My favorite detail is that she didn’t look him in the eyes in saying it, since she would have likely erupted that much harder if she saw his reaction.
6. “Because you have all the pussy, and half the money. That’s why.”
Considering part of this quote provided Yellowstone’s Season 4 premiere its title, it’s no surprise it was a line powerful enough to make this list. While the bar scene was potentially the most contrived sequence in Yellowstone’s history — I don’t understand how the bartender didn’t just take their order after pointing to the bathroom — it still gave audiences a bumper sticker slogan via Beth’s brief lesson in female relationship empowerment. I do hope that arrogant husband comes back into play at some point to get a beer bottle broken over his dumb face.
7. “Well then you win the Gettin’ Shot Least award, Kayce, I don’t know what to tell you.”
John Dutton sports quite the wry sense of humor on Yellowstone, and doesn’t often use his words with humorous intentions, but he’s clearly capable of producing witty brilliance when the setting calls for it. And in this case, the setting was a natural heated mountainside pool that I was very jealous of. Not enough to want to win the Getting Shot The Most award in order to use it, but jealous all the same.
8. “Killers don’t seek their victims’ approval."
Kayce doesn't often get marquee lines within Yellowstone episodes, since he's rarely the guiding force of any quote-friendly conversations. But in Kayce's back-handed defense of Jamie against accusations that he ordered the attack, he offered one of the most logical assessments possible to take suspicions off of his brother. It's not necessarily a universal truth, since there are probably exceptions even within the world of Yellowstone, but it's a solid soundbite for the youngest of John's kids.
9. “I am never early, and I am never late. I am the constant your time adjusts to.”
The best way to make an instant impact on Yellowstone is to have a blazing introduction, and while Jacki Weaver's quasi-villain Caroline Warner didn't factor into any of the premiere's explosive or hyper-deadly sequences, her first big line of dialogue sounds like it should already be taught in Literature classes. If you've ever wanted to make someone feel like a broken mouse of a human being using only 17 words, there's the blueprint.
10. “I’m a horse trainer, brother. When a woman goes off the market, I get a fucking email.”
Anytime Yellowstone co-creator Taylor Sheridan drops in for an appearance as horsetrader Travis Wheatley, some high-level shit-talking is in the cards. But still, no one expects a line like this one, which Travis offered as a reason for how he'd sussed out the notion that Rip and Beth were heading towards marriage. I would probably devour a series of How-To books written by Travis, especially if there were audio versions.
11. “No, martinis have vermouth and are enjoyed with friends. I don’t like vermouth, and these aren’t my friends.”
Setting Beth Dutton up opposite two douchey dudes in suits is like putting a bomb in the mouth of a bull on roller skates at the entrance of the biggest china shop in existence. And she did not disappoint, even for those who had "purposefully throwing her drink across the table so that it gets the other person wet without destroying any glassware, and then makes a comment about shriveled testicles" on their Yellowstone bingo cards.
12. “You gotta read the fine print, Bob. I’m the bigger bear.”
While "I'm threatening the whole fuckin' state" came very close to marking Kelly Reilly's Beth Dutton transcendence into Heisenberg-dom, she truly tipped the scales with "I'm the bigger bear." The pulled-back delivery was similar to the earlier line, making it all the more chilling as a conversation-capper. Bob didn't look too scared, but his genitals should have been more restricted than his wet cohort's. His future does not look cheery.
13. “Why not just use the Tuna Helper, darlin’?”
It's not often when Beth pulls out moments that could be considered "adorbsy-worbsy," but her attempts at domesticated life definitely rank high on that short list. There are plenty of questions to be had when considering Beth's path from Point A to Point Tuna, but Rip's line was the only reaction that would have made any sense at that particular point in the episode, at least without extending the runtime by about five minutes and totally deflating the child-sized reveal within their home. To think all of Rip's angst with The Boy was preceded by such a silly Tuna Helper query.
14. “I heard ridin’, I heard fuckin’. What are we doin’?”
What up, what up, what up? Teeter's in the motherfucking building, and she knocked a home run right back out of the building with this non-complicated and non-contextual response to all the filthy bunkhouse chatter. Classic Teeter, y'all. Who can I petition for an episode where John and Teeter are stuck in a cave together waiting out a massive storm?
15. “Guess they’ll just have to earn the title, then, huh?”
If the post-premiere previews for the rest of Season 4 hadn't already confirmed Kevin Costner's presence in upcoming episodes, the final line of "Phantom Pain" might have been viewed as ominously hinting at John going missing (again, I guess). But no, it was instead just a pretty clever follow-up after telling Carter to send a search party out if he didn't return. I feel like the wheels in Carter's head started grinding pretty heavily trying to grasp this additional example of John's dry wit.
I'll admit it was somewhat difficult even culling this list down to just 15 lines, as I could have kept it going to 20 or 25, and would have included such instant sub-classics as "What's a dryhump?" or the casino dealer's "Ain't a compliment." Not to mention the feeling of utter disappointment on display when John sternly chastised Jimmy for breaking his word. But we'll just have to make do with all of the above echoing around in our heads for the next week.
Yellowstone Season 4 will continue every Sunday night on Paramount Network at 8:00 p.m. ET, with Episode 403 set to be followed by the linear premiere of Paramount+’s new drama Mayor of Kingstown, starring MCU vet Jeremy Renner.
