Boll Makes Audiences Go Postal

By Joshua Tyler: 2005-10-24 00:00:00

When you hire Uwe Boll to develop your movie property, there’s two ways you can handle it. One, you can hide in a bunker and count your money, or two, you can step out in the open and try desperately to put a good spin on the whole thing. Game developer Running With Scissors has chosen the latter.

In a press release issued today, Running With Scissors has announced that their infamously violent, depraved, lunatic videogame Postal is being turned into a movie, and it’ll be German director Uwe Boll who makes it happen. “Start firing those AK-47s into the air,” is the press release’s recommendation. Maybe if we point them just a little lower, over in Uwe’s direction….

“Uwe Boll is the perfect producer-director to make POSTAL,” says Running With Scissors CEO Vince Desi. “He understands the subject matter and has an appreciation and affinity for controversy and political incorrectness. POSTAL has always been about reason and insanity, violence and motivation; producer-director Uwe Boll is simply the right guy to bring that vision to the screen.”

If Boll is controversial, it’s only because of his insistence on continuing to make terrible movies. Uwe’s resume includes two of the most loathed films of this decade, Alone in the Dark, and House of the Dead. He does however have a reputation for taking on otherwise ignored videogame franchises and turning them into movies that are then also ignored. His next film, due out early next year is BloodRayne, based on the vampire game of the same name.

As he does every time he starts a new project, Doctor Uwe Boll declares whatever it is that he’s working on his most favoritest thing ever. “I see it like a mirror for our society -- funny, violent, absurd!" he declares. "So then the movie must be powerful, strange, and so full of the game's political incorrect outrageousness that if we do it correct, we will all probably end up in jail!" If anyone ends up in jail, it’ll probably be because Germany finally closed the tax loophole which allows Doc Boll to continue profiting from unprofitable films.

So what is Postal? A vile, plotless, crappy videogame reviled, hated, and spit upon by legitimate gamers and game reviewers. It’s success stems from it’s extreme violence and moral reprehensibility. In other words, it’s popular with pimply little asshole teenagers who think anything that society says is unacceptable is pretty damn cool. But even those teenagers don’t like Uwe Boll films.

In a way, I guess this is good news. If Boll has to keep making films, at least he’s making something out of a game so horrible he can’t screw it up… or rather when he does it’ll only be a positive since it’ll help the burgeoning franchise die a quick, miserable death.

To label yourself a complete loser, visit the games official site at GoPostal.com.

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