The only major film and music festival that I have any hope of ever actually getting around to attending happens each year in Austin. It is known as South by Southwest. When I lived there five years ago, it was a pretty big deal. In my absence, they’ve blown it up bigger still. Will this finally be the year I attend? Hell no! I’m buying a house. Frankly, I don’t know how anyone who isn’t a filmmaker or a homeless person manages to attend these things at all. The cost is prohibitive and the time required out of important things like working your ass off to pay rent is something best described as traumatic. Still, people do. Really lucky people.

So, for those of you in the lucky bastard category (this category includes rich mama’s boys, people who cover film festivals for major publications, and Harry Knowles), the point of all this is that SXSW has released their official list of feature films for this year. For nine days this March they’ll be screening and awarding them. For nine days we’ll be sitting here wishing we were covering them. Movies of note include Jet Li’s Unleashed, The Ballad of Jack and Rose, Kung Fu Hustle, Old Boy, and The Aristocrats. Movies not of note include entries like The Puffy Chair, Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room, The Life and Times of Guy Terrifico, and Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic. For a full list of films and to book travel arrangements using your mommy’s credit card, click here.