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Made-for-TV Christmas movies are a booming business. This year alone, Hallmark managed to come up with 33 brand new films just for the holidays. And, people go insane for these movies, even though some of them leave a lot to be desired when it comes to writing, pacing, acting... While there's no doubt that some of these holiday movies have groan-inducing plots, it's also true that an unfortunate number of them, beloved though they are, have some seriously terrible titles. From bad holiday puns to clunky wordplay and titles that make the movies sound very different from what they really are and much more, here's our list of the best worst Christmas TV movie titles we could find.
The Spruces and The Pines (2017)
I would have loved to be in the room when the title for this movie was proposed.
Network Exec 1: So, I love this story of a Romeo and Juliet style romance between feuding Christmas tree lot families, but right now it's just called The Johnsons and The Carmichaels at Christmas. It doesn't sound holiday-ish enough.
Network Exec 2: Yeah, I like the idea of naming it after the families, though. Oh, what if we change the names of the families to something more Christmasy, like The Hollys and The Berrys?
Network Exec 1: I think you're on the right track, but that will just have everyone thinking Halle Berry is starring.
Network Exec 2: Right...right. Wait! The trees! We'll name the families after the trees they sell! It won't be weird at all that two nearby families that each sell Christmas trees are named after trees at all. We'll make it seem totally natural. Lots of people end up doing what their last name tells them to do for a living... The Spruces and The Pines! It's gotta be The Spruces and The Pines!
Network Exec 1: By golly Network Exec 2, you've really outdone yourself this time! Be prepared to get a wonderful bonus at the end of this year!
That's how this had to have happened, right?
Love at the Christmas Table (2012)
Maybe I just have a dirty mind (hint: I totally have a dirty mind), but this title sounds a lot more porny than I think the producers, writer or whoever signed off on it wanted it to. I mean, there have to be tons of Christmas themed porn movies, and why wouldn't at least one of them involve sitting down to a nice holiday dinner with friends and ending up in a wild, food-laced, red and green orgy? I cannot imagine that several people weren't seriously disappointed when they decided to tune in to this movie when it first aired on Lifetime and they realized the plot was simply "a man realizes that his best friend since childhood is the woman that he loves."
It's Christmas, Carol! (2012)
Well, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that this movie is yet another take on the classic Charles Dickens novel A Christmas Carol. Instead of focusing on Ebenezer Scrooge, though, this modern version of the story follows heartless publishing executive Carol (obviously) as she's confronted by Christmases past, present and future to see if she can change her ways in time for this year's holiday. A play on the words of the original title isn't automatically bad, but this one does feel like someone was trying way too hard to get us interested.
Christmas Mail (2010)
Alright, someone completely dropped the ball here. While we all love getting packages at Christmas, who decided that our dreams of getting wonderful things mailed to us during the holidays was enough for them to not even put any real adjectives in this title? Seriously, since none of us are going to actually get Christmas mail just because we watch this movie, you need to tell us what's so damn special about the Christmas mail we're going to be watching. Literally any adjective would make this film sound more intriguing. Lovely? Horrible? Romantic? Snowy? Murderous? Golden? Angelic? Just...do better, people who title things!
At first glance this title is sorta cute and seems perfect for a holiday-themed TV movie. The cringeworthy-ness of it really only comes in when you know the plot, which focuses on a woman who falls in love with the latest version of her "snow beau," i.e. the snowman she has built in her front yard every year since she was a kid, when he comes to life and begins courting her. That's right, friends. Snowmance is actually about a woman who falls in love with living snow. Granted, the snow looks like the hunky man of her dreams, and she doesn't go into this weird thing knowing that he's her snowman, but...still.
A Cookie Cutter Christmas (2014)
Understanding, as I do, that this movie is about two teachers competing in a cookie-baking contest while also trying to win the affections of a cute single dad does not excuse this title at all. Doesn't everyone know that describing anything as "cookie cutter" that is not an actual cookie cutter means the thing you're describing is actually pretty damn boring? Who wants to carve time out of their busy schedule, sit down with the warming beverage of their choice and watch a movie that telegraphs how much of a waste of time it'll be? No one, that's who. Why didn't they call this movie A Cookie Baking Christmas or Christmas Cookies for Love or something? Clearly, I should be in charge of naming all these films.
Fir Crazy (2013)
Well, well, well, here come the Christmas puns, folks! As much as it's clear that this title is a play on the phrase "stir crazy," it's also very apparent that this is another movie about a Christmas tree lot. Must we be so on the nose with these titles? Yes, I suppose we must.
A Very Merry Daughter of the Bride (2008)
What in the trying-too-hard, confusing ass hell is this title, even? I mean, I completely understand that it's probably been difficult for several years now to title a made-for-TV Christmas movie in a way that means something for the plot of the film and also doesn't sound like the title of a totally different movie that's already been made, but, damn guys. Take it down a notch next time, OK?
Santa Con (2014)
Obviously there would have to be at least one made-for-TV holiday movie about a con man who works as a mall Santa, and this is it. I suppose this title could be worse. But only if they'd gone with A Very Holly Jolly Santa Con Claus.
My oh my. This terrible holiday pun grates on my nerves more than any other title on this list, and I have tried (really, really tried hard) to figure out why. And, you know what I came up with? It doesn't matter. I can only hope that the movie is much easier to stomach than its name implies, because if it isn't...ooof!