When Katy Perry and Russell Brand decided to end their high profile marriage after a measly fourteen months back in December of 2011, people who care about such things collectively had a near panic attack trying to figure out which mega-star was the real bad guy. For days, the relationship implosion was worldwide news, and in the subsequent months, whispers about even the smallest divorce-related details were traded like rare pogs. At one point, the comedian decided to unfollow his wife on Twitter, and it seemed like a legitimate story worth reporting, which is why it should surprise no one that fans are still willing to gobble up any new details about the split. Like this one.
Apparently, Brand told his wife he wanted a divorce via text message. That’s right. The preferred mode of communication for junior high dance invites was used to end a marriage of fourteen months. How mature. Here’s what Perry told Vogue during a recent interview…
”Let’s just say I haven’t heard from him since he texted me saying he was divorcing me December 31, 2011.”
You know what happened when one of my friends broke up with a girl he’d been dating for two months via text message in high school? Every single one of his friends told him he was a dick. Deep down, he even knew it was a dick move. If you’re going to break up with someone, you need to look him or her in the eyes when you do it. The other person deserves the right to melt your soul with death glares. That’s just how the world works. It’s shitty when people go against that natural order by doing it during a phone conversation, and it’s way way way shittier when people go against the natural order by doing it via text message.
As for exactly why the relationship cratered like one of Perry’s dresses, we still don’t know exactly what happened, but the singer did kinda sorta imply it was Brand’s fault in a vague, runaround type way. Here’s a look at another one of her quotes from the article…
“I felt a lot of responsibility for it ending, but then I found out the real truth, which I can’t necessarily disclose because I keep it locked in my safe for a rainy day. I let go and I was like: This isn’t because of me; this is beyond me. So I have moved on from that.”
Does that mean he cheated? Does that mean he briefly got excited about drugs again? Does that mean he secretly wanted out and became distant to make her pull away so he could justify splitting in some kind of complicated multi-step divorce plan? I have no idea. She would have needed to give the world more words, or at least more purposeful words, but until that rainy day comes, we’ll probably never know. Luckily, if these past eighteen months have been any indication, people will definitely still give a shit when the truth is revealed, even if it’s decades from now.
Here’s to hoping Perry is able to find her happy ending with someone, whether it’s John Mayer, that dude from Florence + The Machine or an entirely unexpected candidate. And here’s to hoping Brand nets himself the same. They may not have had a break-up they can be proud of, but that doesn't mean they should be doomed to unhappiness.