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A twenty-nine-year-old woman was arrested for masturbating inside a Starbucks, and in perhaps the least surprising cause and effect ever, authorities have announced they think drugs played a role. The incident in question went down yesterday in Bradenton, Florida. Employees reportedly spotted Jennifer Piranian going to town on herself in the business’ lobby and decided to phone police.
When authorities arrived, they asked the woman what she was up to, and she told them she needed a ride to the hospital. They agreed to transport her on the condition she allow her bag to be searched. She agreed, and inside, the police reportedly found a pipe with cocaine residue inside.
According to The Smoking Gun, Piranian denied knowing anything about the pipe or the residue in her bag, but she was arrested and hauled off to jail anyway. Her bond was set at $1120, and she’s reportedly still locked up because she can’t foot the bill.
In the grand scheme of reasons needed to get one’s life together, being caught masturbating inside the lobby of a Starbucks would probably fall in the top 5%. This lady hasn’t spoken publically about what happened, what her motivation was or whether this will alter her behavior in the future, but if she does release any kind of statement, you can be pretty confident we’ll bring it to you.