GAMING BLEND

Dungeon Keeper iOS Review: Give Me Your Money

By Pete Haas 2014-02-09 13:29:36 discussion comments
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Is it possible to load up a game with nearly required microtransactions and still keep it fun? This question is worth exploring in a review about Dungeon Keeper's mobile remake. But first, let's talk about some of the premium add-ons that Gaming Blend is offering for this review.

Vocabulary Pack - $0.99

Sure, I could call EA greedy but wouldn't it be more educational if I called them avaricious or covetous? Why tell you I'm disappointed in their cynical remake when I could tell you that I'm crestfallen or dispirited? This DLC loads up the review with more advanced vocabulary to help you study for the SATs. Plus, it's only 99 cents. That's basically nothing! Except it is something and I get it.

Topical Joke Pack - $1.49

Dungeon Keeper has worse design than a Sochi hotel bathroom. There's never been a game this incomplete since the Broncos forgot to go to the Super Bowl. And what's the deal with Flappy Bird?

Jay Leno Joke Pack - $1.99

Dungeon Keeper makes players wait a day just to dig out one square of dirt from their lair. It's so boring that Al Gore gets royalties from it. It's okay, though, because you can spend money to speed up the digging. There hasn't been a game this sleazy since Bill Clinton played "Hide the Cigar" with Monica Lewinsky.

Juegos Electronicos Pack - $3.49

"Yo no quiero jugar a Dungeon Keeper más." That means "I don't want to play Dungeon Keeper" in Spanish, I think. If you spring for this add-on, I'll not only paste the whole article into Google Translate but also ask a Spanish-speaking person to skim it. This DLC has the best fun:pesos ratio out of all our options.

Clumsy Defense Pack - $4.99

This is our most popular in-review purchase. It provides the reader with lazy justifications of our microtransaction-laden article. For example, did you know that some people have read this review without paying a dime and enjoyed it? I mean, I'm sure that their smiles weren't as broad as the people who did spend money. But that's their own fault for not springing for the $3.49 Smile Pack.

Historical Context Pack - $9.99

This add-on is the most expensive and therefore best. It provides additional background information so you can better understand why the mobile version of Dungeon Keeper is so disappointing. I'll give you a run-down on how great the original DK was and how poorly the remake stacks up to it. I'll also note that EA has a history of ruining classic franchises by trying to turn them into cash machines.

While we offer a range of DLC packs to enhance your Dungeon Keeper reading experience, this is not a "pay to understand" review. All of the core content is available to our readers no matter you pay. Whether you give us nothing or give us $100, you'll leave with an understanding that Dungeon Keeper is a poor remake rendered unplayable by a cynical, awkward business model.

You should probably spend money on the review anyway, though.

Players: 1-2
Platforms: iOS (reviewed), Android
Developer: EA Mythic
Publisher: Electronic Arts
ESRB: Mature
Rating:
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