Anyone who's even remotely clued in to happenings on ABC's The Bachelor knows two big things about this season: 1) star Colton Underwood is a virgin, and 2) star Colton Underwood will get so fed up during his season that he will attempt to flee the set by jumping dramatically over a very tall fence. The show has made no bones about either fact, and has especially delighted in teasing viewers with Colton's fence jump since before this season even began airing. Also? Colton's damn fence jump has been used in literally every show promo but one since the first week, so the moment is set to be inspired by something that we've never seen on the dating show before.
In addition to the crazy snippet of footage we've been treated to of Colton taking his rather impressive leap over that fence, Colton, host Chris Harrison and even ABC executives can't stop telling us that Season 23 will be like nothing the show has ever given us before. So, in the spirit of something absolutely batshit causing Colton's fence jump, here are six ways that we'd like this (hopefully) fascinating moment in reality television to go down.
Completely dashed hopes
OK, so right now the only thing we really know about Colton's fence jump is that it's supposed to happen during the all important fantasy suites episode. What are fantasy suites, you ask? Well, that's when our chosen bachelor (or bachelorette) for the season gets to invite each of their final three contestants to spend the night with them in a swanky hotel room and, you know, possibly (probably) do a bunch of not-ready-for-primetime stuff to each other. So, something is going to send Colton off the deep end and over that fence when he should be getting jiggy with it (probably) for the very first time. The promos seem to indicate that there will be tears and fears from Colton aplenty when this episode comes, and rejection could certainly cause that.
I almost said "simple rejection," but let's remember that this event is supposed to blow us away. What if Colton invites each of his final three hopefuls to the fantasy suites...AND ALL OF THEM TURN HIM DOWN?! That's right, ladies and gentlemen, not one or two rejections, but a whopping three rejections for our ex-almost-NFL player Colton. Then (according to the promo), he'll declare, "I'm fucking done," walk off into the night and leap to (temporary) freedom from all this Bachelor bullshit that he completely agreed to go through. I'm only four seasons into my time with this franchise, but has any Bachelor or Bachelorette ever been turned down by all their fantasy suite possibilities? I seriously doubt it, therefore, there's a solid case for this to happen.
Not here for the right reasons
The bane of any well-meaning Bachelor or Bachelorette is finding out that one or some of their potential soul mates is actually "not here for the right reasons." This, of course means that they've decided to take a chance on a dating show where they might be engaged at the end of roughly six weeks of dating a man or woman who is also dating, like, 25 other people at the same time simply because they wanted fame and not true love. Throughout his time in the Bachelor franchise (remember that he was also on Becca Kufrin's Bachelorette season, and last year's Bachelor in Paradise), we've seen Colton make some odd decisions that some might say show the young man isn't actually ready for a long-term commitment.
What I'm getting at, is the idea that Colton's fence jump might come because he realizes that he was the one who was on the show for the wrong reason all along. Maybe one rejection sets off his self-reflection or the sudden understanding, when presented with the possibility of having sex with three women in three days, that he's actually not that into any of them will do it. However it comes, though, Colton will see that he needs to take a step back from this whole experiment and that he may have just wasted everyone's time. Yay!
Too much adventure
As is true for pretty much every season of The Bachelor, Colton and his ladies were treated to some fun times in exotic locales just a few episodes ago. The cast jetted off to Singapore, Thailand and Vietnam earlier this season, and while abroad they engaged in the totally unnecessary practice of tramping through jungles and being forced to eat bugs and insects and get up close and personal with elephant doody, all because Colton has what I can gently refer to as an unrelenting hard-on for athletics and adventure. You know, cause if you're willing to eat bugs and can pull a limo with your teeth it means you'll absolutely be a wonderful wife.
At some point during all this "adventure" what if Colton got parasites? Yeah, I know that trips to exotic places usually come after doctors make you get a bunch of inoculations in personal places, but who the hell knows what's really hanging out in the deep, dark crevices of every damn jungle? What if Colton encountered something that no medicine we know of can eradicate? What if this unknown pathogen took a few weeks to take root and will soon be crawling its way through his lower gastrointestinal tract or...his brain? Theoretically this could cause his crying, foul protestations, bad mood and, yes, fence jumping. I hope you get the help you need, Colton. I might not be your biggest fan, but you don't deserve brain or booty bugs.
This is it, guys. This season of The Bachelor is how the machines take over and we lose this planet to our stronger, smarter creations. You know all that not-so-great behavior displayed by Colton across his time in the Bachelor universe (like taking a hopeful to meet his fucking family and then dumping her the same night)? What if he's not just indecisive, confused and way too young for all this shit? What if he's actually a robot who's been created by mechanical overlords to tempt the people of Earth, keep us annoyed and guessing but still emotionally attached, and then lead us to our certain doom?
"OK, smarty pants," I can hear you saying, "If Colton is a robot sent to help lead us to lives spent serving our mechanical masters for the rest of eternity, then why the hell would he need to jump the fence?" Honestly, that question is easier to answer than you might expect. See, Coltonbot isn't a leader in this takeover, oh, no. He's just a pawn used to keep us off guard, and when he gets word that he's served his purpose and helped to keep the masses complacent enough for his robotic brethren to infiltrate the highest levels of society, he'll get right the fuck outta Dodge and jump that damn fence. He's probably been promised a higher level of importance in the robot rebellion than his current role of "mostly shirtless eye candy," and he will literally jump at the chance to move up in the ranks. Damn you, Coltonbot!
I don't know if you've had enough time away from Bachelor Nation in the past year or so, but ghost sex is actually a big deal right now. While living, human ladies are generally the ones partaking of this relatively new pastime, there has been the odd gentleman who's been active in this particular area of sexuality. Though, I will admit that, usually, these folks are getting involved in ghost sex willingly. So, what if one of Colton's final ladies is actually not the one in control of her actions? What if Colton has been dating a woman suffering under the curse of a demonic possession or ghostly invasion upon her oh so young and pretty personage?
I have so many questions now. How did this young woman get possessed? Is she still in there at all, or has the ghost/demon completely taken over her thoughts? If she is still in there, did she and the ghost/demon come on The Bachelor for the right reasons? Does she even really like Colton at all, or has everything "she's" done really been the actions of a supernatural entity bent on taking Colton's sweet virgin ass to the heights (lows?) of interdimensional nookie? We'll have to wait for a bit yet, but my bet is on Hannah G. That's right, like so many of Colton's hopefuls who have been concerned that he was falling for someone who does not have his best interest at heart, I'm naming names. He's been fascinated with Hannah G. from the start, having given her his first impression rose and then taken a tumble around his bed with her. If he invites her to the fantasy suite and she takes her face off or walks on the ceiling or something, that could certainly instigate a very determined fence jump.
This is it, ladies and gents, my personal top possibility for why Colton starts cursing and finally decides to abandon all hope by taking a jump over that damn fence: he's trying to avoid getting abducted by aliens. I know you must be thinking, "Out of all the people on this planet right now, why the hell would aliens try to abduct a man who's in the middle of looking for love on a reality show?" Oh, that answer is easy enough, really.
Don't you think the aliens have been watching this season of The Bachelor? I don't know where they are (in a small cloaked space ship hiding in the shadow of a satellite...probably), but if your job is to spy on Earth and see what humans are all about, you'd absolutely tune in to one of the biggest shows in the world. And, if you were an alien, knowing that there must be millions of people who are, right now, roughly the same age as Colton Underwood and also virgins, wouldn't you be wondering why this one dude's lack of full-on sexytimes is so much more important than anyone else's? I think, in the middle of other assorted fantasy suite drama, the aliens come to Colton and try to get him back to that ship so they can see what all the fuss is about. Cue Colton's fence jump!
Alright, fans of The Bachelor, we don't have much longer to wait to see why Colton jumps that fence, so be sure to watch as the drama continues on ABC, Mondays at 8 p.m. EST.
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